enders vs. endees?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
enders vs. endees?
16
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 2:58pm

So I'm trying to work through something - and I'm curious with how both sides of the coin feel.....


As an ender (it was me who cut things off) - I hit a point where my day to day life became more of a burden and unhappy event with him than it brought joy, or laughter or love - I had a lot of the enoughs that I read down in the healing library - especially a few that struck chords with me like enough of carrying my phone to the bathroom and to bed so I didn't miss ONE text or call - I'm almost 40 for crying out loud...anyway - I wonder if for those who are endees, and who didn't have the choice - but are dealing felt the enoughs too?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 10:33am
I was an endee...and the only thing I can say is that I too am glad I don't have to have my cell attached to me at all times because I too did not want to miss a call or a text.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 11:12am
I am an endee. And I never reached an enough stage. I was happy and saw things lasting. I could have went on in the A. I don't think he was ever strong enough to. It wasn't long after it started that he saying thing in a joking way at first. Like lets just get divorces and move in together, or can I move in your attic. Then he quickly said he wanted to leave his marriage and be with me. I told him I wanted him in my life either way. He said he was hurting because he couldn't be with me as much as he wanted in his current situation. I don't think he could handle it like it was but didn't have the courage to leave. So it took less courage to leave me rather than his wife.
Anyway back to the question. I have not reached the point that I am glad the A is over. It would have been easier I believe if I had got to the point of enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 11:25am

Hi Lolly,

I just didn´t have time to feel the enoughs. xAP said he didn´t want to continue after our very first encounter (how flattering, uh?). Thanks to the EAS community though, I know what I had ahead of me and now I thank the heavens that he jumped off the boat so soon.

Pru

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 11:42am

I am a half and halfer, I guess. I ended it but it was a preemptive strike since it was coming to an end, either way. However, I was then in the mindset that I wanted the A to continue and it wasn't until I'd been out for a (little) bit that I realized how very glad I was that it was over. Not only glad that it was over, but stunned and incredulous that I'd not previously gotten to the "ENOUGH" stage. There were so many enough-incidents that I could have taken and run with, but didn't. So damaging! I really regret not getting to the enough-stage quicker, since mourning that A was prolonged because I was holding on to a really f'd up, romanticized version of it.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 1:36pm

Everyone is so going to get fed up with me constantly saying I was not in an affair (inside my head) but it permeates everything and all my answers. I was only interested from Day 1 in being with him forever, but once we met and I knew the hurdles that had to be overcome I did not see how it was possible but all my friends and family kept encouraging me to hang in there (can you believe that) one friend said, 'you cant end it, that would be cruel. You come into his life, turn it upside down, offer him something he has wanted for 30 years and then say, sorry I cant see how it is going to work.


I was miserable and became very depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 12:09am

lolly et al,

its been a busy few days and its going to be a busy few more, but i just popped in to EAS and i wanted to respond to this thread bc i too am an End-er, and i do believe our experience is a bit different. your post really resonated with me becuase your question of "hey, endees, do you now understand that the A just couldn't last forever?", is exactly what i was trying to say to AP.

like you, i got to a point where day to day life had become a burden, and that even the time i spent with AP just didn't feel good anymore. making time for AP became such a drag; thinking of new excuses an inconvenience. i was just spent, and the more i pulled away, the needier he became.

when we had our multiple ending conversation, he'd say all kinds of things that would make me doubt myself, but at the end, i just wanted to shake him and say "dude, what did you think would happen? that we'd just have an affair forever? that we'd run off into the sunset together? these things are by nature, finite and destructive. i'm just calling it first!" to the last day he was hell bent on the fact that cutting contact completely with somebody "who shared what we shared" is downright cold, and has more to do with my issues and my inability to handle things than anything else. suddenly my AP was the victim; the one who was willing to sacrifice anything for me and i couldn't even do him the courtesy of being his friend.

ok, whoa, i just realized im on my way to hijacking this thread which was not my intention! i guess what i mean is, i wonder if what you were getting at in your post is whether endees eventually come to similar conclusions as enders, i.e. "affairs are destructive, this will never go anywhere,t he longer we continue this the worse it will be, etc". i felt like i was speaking nothing but pure logic to my AP, and he was plugging his ears and screaming "la la la" like a child. and maybe going along with that is, will the endee forgive the ender? will my AP understand why i did it? or will he think i'm forever cruel for cutting contact?

to the end-ees, im wondering about your experience. did you get angry at your APs for ending things? did you feel the same way but were just waiting for somebody to admit it?

have a lovely long weekend, and i'll come looking for this thread in a few days to continue our chatty chat :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 4:52pm
I'm an endee and yes I got angry but more than anything hurt and confused. And right now I can't ever see me not thinking he was cruel to cut all contact without a warning. I wish so bad I could go back and be the ender but I never in a million years saw it coming at the point we were at.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 5:10pm

Hello Willow,

I believe the point that we have been collectively trying to make, is that the warning of the ending of the affair, was the actual beginning of the affair.

The fact that you were in an affair is, in and of itself, THE warning.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 5:11pm

Willow -

I was in my A for a long time, with several endings. I've been both the "ender" and the "endee". Try to get past thinking that it matters WHO ended it. You said you wish you could go back and be the ender. How differently do you think you would feel right now? It hurts like HELL, no matter who does it. Focus on YOU and your future.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:24pm
I guess I should look to the future but right now I just try to get through the day without losing it. The future doesn't look to bright to me right now.

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