consequences
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 09-05-2010 - 4:32pm |
This morning I had to help my teenage son navigate through an argument with his girlfriend. We talked a lot about the consequences of our words and actions. Ever since, I've been on the verge of tears. Holidays have always been hard for me, even before my A. I don't have any family to speak of - other than my 2 kids, my mom is it. I've already had my pity party. Poor me, XAP is probably sitting on his patio with a ton of people around. That's not what this post is about.
As I've tried to keep busy today, I keep thinking about consequences. I don't think I've even begun to understand the consequences of my life the past 7.5 years. What is the price I've paid? Emotional pain, distrust, jealousy, loneliness. I changed the lives of my kids.
Had I known what was in store for me, there is no doubt I would have turned the other way and ran. But I didn't. I can't change the past. I'm forever changed because of my affair. I'm alone. I'll admit that I'm lonely as hell right now. But at least I'm not creating any "new" consequences. There you go - NC = no consequences.
Bodhi

Dear Bodhi,
I am 'here' with you. I feel lonely, but safe. That's better than where I was last year. Last year at this time, well, I won't really even go there, but I guess what I could say, is that I was far lonelier and I was not feeling so safe. I could feel the earth shattering from under me. I was in full-on affair mode. This time last year he would have been surrounded by family and friends (but sneaking those oh so sincere "wish i was with you, love you so much, can't wait to see you " texts), while I stood looking at the newly vacated closet of my H.
We are all permanently altered by our affairs. I too am just beginning to sense the consequences of those changes, and to understand how I got 'here'. I experience intense feelings of anxiety, and overwhelming shame at the hurt I have caused those around me.
So this year is hard, but it is no where near AS hard. And next year ... who knows? I just know it will be better (-:
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TU :)
It's good to know we are not alone. My kids just left to have dinner with their dad's family. Another consequence.
<<>>
This is true. This Labor Day is no different than any other - I'd still be alone, even if I was still getting the texts from the bathroom. And next year HAS to be better!
Thinking of you -
Bodhi
<<>>
Trust is probably the hardest thing to recover. If I remember correctly, you were in your A about as long as I was - 7 years? That number still blows my mind when I look at it.
It's very hard when YOU know in your heart that you are an honest person now. But you are right, time will take care of it. All we can do is continue to live real, moral lives and let the universe take care of the rest.
Happy belated birthday ((((hugs))))
Bodhi
Bodhi-
A squeeze from me! I'm on a huge emo uplift at the moment so I hope I can share some of my exuberance and goodness with you - I've been reading a book called "celebrations" where it challenges to look at and change perspectives of things we face - you mention a couple of things that you aren't realizing the positivity in...
You mention having a discussion with your son - helping him navigate through an argument with his girlfriend - By the generic idea of this book - you haven't stopped to realize that while having an A does change the nature of your relationship with your kids - YOU got to be there today to help navigate that argument. Not someone else, and the truth is - having faced what you have in your A and ending - probably fed into your ability to help your son through this bad time.
Your statement "I changed the lives of my kids." is one that resonates loud and clear with me - it's the one part of the A that I regret most - and love most. I screwed up. You know what my kids see? I screwed up, took responsibility, and am trying to change and improve where I'm going. You are right - I changed the lives of my kids too - and will continue to. I am human. I screw up - all people do. It may not be in an A, it may not be in regard to relationships - but screw ups are fixable.
"there is no doubt I would have turned the other way and ran. But I didn't. I can't change the past." This is true - what you can change and are changing - is the future. It is lonely - I'm feeling it too - but this is not forever. This mistake does not define you -
Much love, Lolly
bodhi ~
I was pretty much in the same boat today. Tried to keep busy. Had my daughter with me all day and we did things around the house, watched a movie, went out for dinner. I too felt very lonely today. And like you pictured xAP with family and friends having a jolly good time!
In fact the loneliness I've felt since A ended has been the most intense of my life. I remember reading hearing Byron Katie (spiritual teacher, author) tell someone that the loneliness you feel is because your not here with yourself, you over there, with him! Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
Consequences? Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could go back and do things differently. But that's never going to happen. It's over.
But congrats on realizing the TODAY NC=No consequences!! Every victory counts!
You're in my prayers and I for one feel a lot less lonely now.
Thanks Lolly :)
<<<>>>
That's very true. I've learned a lot about relationships, to the benefit of both my kids. I think it's easy to have "the grass is greener" mentality but I have to remember that I have no idea what my life would be like right now if XAP wouldn't have come along.
<<>>
XAP and the A defined me while I was in it. Right now, I feel like getting out of it, getting through it defines me. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm far enough out that I can start figuring out what defines ME. I'm getting there!
Bodhi
Lilly -
I don't think I've said hi to you yet :) I'm sorry you are feeling down this weekend too. You're doing the right thing by keeping busy and reading here.
<<>>
IMO, it is far worse to be lonely "with" someone than to be lonely by yourself. I agree, these feeling are more intense because we don't have our "fix" coming to take the edge off anymore. But at least these feelings are getting us somewhere. They are no longer a way of life. Each day gets us closer to a better place.
Bodhi
Hi All
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Hi Bodhi,
I love reading every posts here and when you mentioned consequences