lurkers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
lurkers
4
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 10:21am

I was reading some old posts and realized that there are a lot of one-time posters who haven't come back. Either they're lurking or gave up. Thinking that they gave up makes my heart hurt, literally. I wanted to extend an invitation for all of those one-timers to post again. My question to them and to the lurkers who never post but read often: Why? What is holding you back from posting here? Obviously, if you're not an ender, just a Contemplater, then you'd not post - but, if you're an Ender... why are you denying yourself the benefit of a two-way relationship with this board?

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 1:41pm

Dee,

Hello, happy weekend to ya...
In the famous words of Rapper TI, "Bring em Out, Bring em out"!!
Good post. I would love to hear from some lurkers. If you look at some posts and see that over 500 people have read it but only 12-18 have responded.
I always have wondered how one can not respond to some of our posts if they are have been in an A? I was so drawn to respond to people, esp with all being anonymous n all. I surmise it is because people in A's carry such big burdens and we are so stigmatized....we are the bad guys...who know? I am really hoping someone chimes in and tells us a bit.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 1:58pm

Yes! Come on in - the fire is warm and the food is yummy.


I think people may feel a little intimidated to "jump in", maybe? I know when I first posted, I didn't have my shiz together, but I needed the dialogue. The support I recieved was amazing. It was like finding an oaisis. I would love for those lurkers to enjoy the benefits of fill membership, kwim?


There is also something so powerful about that first post - really putting it out there for the first time that you had an affair, that your affair is now over/ending, that you need help, and that you have made some really bad choices.


Posting (and not 'just' reading) is a sign that

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 9:51pm

Hi there All ...

Ok I will bite the bullet and try and give a perspective. I am a regular lurker who stalks threads on many Affair boards but rarely (if ever) posts on any but MAS, which is for now my own safe space to thrash out my thoughts and feelings of where I go next with my lengthy EA. I guess there are many like me and that will obviously add to the 'view' volume of threads on all forums.

I do not have an 'Ending' mindset and I therefore do not post here due to respect for those beginning and enduring the journey of 'ending'; recognising the inappropriateness of jumping in with a perspective which comes from a totally different place from those needing to feel safe on this board in order to maintain their decision to end. I am a fierce protector of our safe spaces in these forums and just as I get annoyed at inappropriate posts on MAS, I also cringe at the occasional poster here who is obviously not in the mindset of truely engaging in the process of 'Ending' and ends up being sent packing to their rightful place in either lurkdom or MAS ;-)

However, there is unfortunately no place here for genuine Contemplators. We are not in the throes of the A like some who join us at MAS and are actively pursuing or seeking an A, excited at the prospect or settled into the rythym of one or trying to find a balance (if there is such a thing). We are way past all that and are moving along the pathway between MAS and EAS and it is sometimes a long and winding road. We move forward, double back on ourselves, lose the way, take a rest, fall into the ditch of indecision or just plain old decide to take a different path and continue down our A route. Some of us know we are not ready to commit to NC, block and walk and the long and painful journey it will take us on. Some of us are in 'better the devil you know' territory. We've tried NC in various forms and for whatever reason were unable to maintain it. I genuinely believe its because we were not in the mindset of truely committing to 'Ending', of accepting what that will mean, what needs to be done and hopeful of what can be gained and why.

For me personally, I hold EAS in my hand as a future resource. As somewhere I know I will be held tightly, respected and truely welcomed and supported when I arrive here with the commitment to do what you have all done. I came here once or twice several years ago as a reaction to long forgotten stunts pulled by AP and although I was welcomed, supported and given lots of insight (and I valued that highly) I was not at all in the mindset of Ending. EAS was not then the radical place it is now and much more forgiving of what I will call Reactionary Enders! With hindsight, I was not anywhere near the end of my A journey. I was hurt yes, very badly hurt, angry yes, disillusioned and disappointed in AP but nowhere near the stage I needed to be mentally to make an absolute decision to let this go. I still wanted the experience, the connection, the crutch, the distraction, the A journey or whatever else it was that kept me there, I wanted that more than I wanted the 'end'. I still do, but increasing less so. It is however my journey to complete and as such, no one can rush me along the pathway except myself. As enlightened as you women are here about the lessons learned by ending your A, I still have things to learn from the place on the path I am at now. You cannot learn those things for me. You can only be here to help me learn new lessons when I have learned enough from where I am now. And thank God you are! If those lessons are painful, I still need to learn them for myself.

I've read a few threads here recently about strong, enlightened women feeling demoralised that their views (tough love) were lost on some posters still learning from the place they were standing in. I want to share something with those women. When I last came to EAS when my now 5 year EA was only about 18 months old a poster called Shouldnobetter responded to me several times. Thoughtful, insightful, supportive, warm and considered posts. I still carry around some of her words in my head today. At the time as I have stated, I was not in an 'Ending' mindset but I have NEVER forgotten some of the sage words she said to me back then. They struck a cord immediately and they do even more so today and I keep them too as yet another one of the resources I have gathered along the way for when I want to move further along the path towards ending. Her words were not wasted just because I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't act at that time. Absolutely not! If by any chance she's here now .... I wish you well my friend and thank you ;-)

So ...one long and winding post later ... lol ...I guess I lurk here because when I finally do need EAS, when I finally choose to make that first post again saying I had an A and its over, I want to be a regular poster who follows through and not one of the 'one off's'!

Thanks for inviting comments from trespassers ;-) Hope it was all taken in the spirit intended.

Bird

PS - apologies for spelling atrocities - I Village eats my posts when I spellcheck on my phone so will edit for spelling when I finally make it to a PC !

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 10:32pm

Dear Bird,

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head in response to your post; probably too many to make much sense of right now. I am not too sure what the reactions of others will be, but I have been moved by your post, and so I will respond without concern or worry that I am not actively engaging you in some discussion about ending your affair. I am not sure that is the intention of this thread, and I am darn sure it isn't what you posted for (-:

What I did want to do is say thank you. Thank you for your honesty and courage. Thank you for reminding me that we are all works in progress ... and you reminded me of lessons I learned a long time ago in my journey as a woman abuse counselor: just because she isn't leaving the abusive relationship (this time), doesn't mean she isn't learning and that she won't be one day ready. And when she is, I hope she'll turn to me for assistance because I was patient when needed, and frank when required. Her process is her process and who am I to dictate how she ought to lead her life? If I was in her place, I would want compassion, balanced with sincere feedback and concern. I would want respect, but honesty. I would want concern without arrogance.

Thank you for reminding me that no words here go 'unheard' ... and even if the original poster wasn't able/willing/wanting the words of wisdom, doesn't mean one of the many lurkers aren't taking the lessons away to be applied at some later time. Doesn't mean that that original poster won't be 'haunted' as you were, by the words.

You reminded me, yet again, that forward is a direction, not a time line.

My best - and with all sincerity, I hope we are welcoming you here sooner than later.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:50am

Hi bird,

I had to chime in and report to you that Shouldnobetter helped me many, many times. Like you, to this day I hold on to her supportive words. I enjoyed reading your post, thanks for unlurking and stopping by to say hello.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 7:19am

MLS,


One of my favorite Buddhist proverbs is, "When the student it ready, the teacher will appear."


((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 8:00am

Hi all


I have to support Bird's comments. Im a lurker here and I read EAS every day. Through some very insightful words and tough love (which I think is great btw) I have learned soooo much. My A brings little joy anymore, for all the reasons I see on EAS and more. I have limped along with the A, trying to build the strength to move on. On my list of 'why this should end'' I have actually listed 'so I can join EAS'.


Like Bird, I wont join until I am absolutely an ender. I am looking forward to being supported by EAS through what I know will be a lousy experience.


But to get clarity and strength, I read EAS, Jane's blog and sometimes the BS board. This all adds much needed balance to my fragile emotions and I am sure its propelling me in a more healthy direction than I have been in the past few mths in this A.


Iggyxxx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 8:42am
I'm with Iggy and Bird on this one...I have posted here once in the past - and am a daily lurker. I am sad to report that I am still in affair-land, and am using it as an escape still. Not sure why...I am usually unhappy. Part of me wants to block and walk (and I am not proud to admit I'd have to block 3 -yes 3- different people) but my life is so boring and hard I do still crave that escape. This is why I lurk...I know it's wrong and I am almost there....I want to just enjoy life again. In comparison to my "Affair Life" my life is very difficult and stressful and mundane. Pre-A it didn't seem so bad - that has been the worst effect the affair(s) have had on me. I'm sorry - this is why I don't post - replying to your lurkers thread. I still gain knowledge and wisdom from this board daily...soon I will be here...I hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 10:41am

Hi TU

Thank you for your spontaneous reply :-)

No, you are correct, I didn't post here to engage in direct discussion about the ending of my A but felt the tone of this thread was a one off invitation to engage here respectfully (on neutral thread ground) so to speak, about our motives for laying in longterm lurkdom :-)

My main motive for posting was more to pass on the persepective of unseen value for the words, thoughts and insights of the vets here when the immediate impact on a poster cannot be seen because we can't all post generally without jigging up the board ...and rightly so!
!

You and I, TU, have the same work background lol my heart nearly stopped when I read your post!

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:26pm

Bird, et al.
I think that this tread is getting a lot of traffic and not so many responses because people really are respecting the 'neutrality' of this space. It's not about posting advice; it's about listening.

I have huge respect and admiration for y'all who took up my offer to come forward. I hope that EAS continues to be an inspiration and motivation for you all to join us one day (very soon!) In the meantime, know that you are in my thoughts and I am wishing you all well.

And to the enders/one-timers, I wonder why we're not hearing from YOU. You obviously have so much less to risk posting here that the brave fence-sitters who have come before you.... yah? So, c'mon, post.

Dee

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