A No-Good, Very Bad, Sorta Great Weekend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
A No-Good, Very Bad, Sorta Great Weekend
3
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 10:22am

So - this weekend was the worst and pretty great all at the same time - I had some revelations about myself and my role in the demise of my marriage that I hadn't looked at before (hey guess what?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 11:03am
Huge hugs Lolly!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 11:09am

Hi Lolly,

I can so relate to how you feel . . I have been through a divorce and the ending of my A (twice) in the past few years, and the thing I still struggle with most is guilt and forgiving myself.

I know that I didn't end my M because of my AP. Before my AP was even in the picture, I wanted to end my M because 1), I was miserably unhappy, and 2) it just wasn't a very healthy marriage. Honestly, I was looking to have an A because I believed it would be my ticket out of my unhappy M. I used my A to "pull me out," so to speak, because my H was not letting me go very easily.

So I have struggled with guilt over both my divorce (I never believed it would be an option for me until about 18 years into my M) and my A.

I have asked both my H and my xAP (before NC) to forgive me for what I did wrong. And my faith is very important to me, so I have cried out to God for forgiveness. And now, eventually I will really forgive myself.

I guess the thing I'd say I'm doing in an effort to get to that point is, first accepting my humanity. I'm so not perfect, and I didn't grow up with perfect parents, and so as a result, I'm going to screw up--sometimes in a major way. My goal now is to move forward with the character and insight to NEVER repeat the same mistakes again. And for me right now, that means that I need to stay out of any kind of relationship with a man until I fix what's broken in me. If I don't deal with what the stuff in me that contributed to a failed M and my choice to enter an A, I guarantee I will continue in unhealthy relationships, and make more monumental mistakes.

And I talk through things often with friends who have BTDT, and understand all the emotions of what we're going through. To have people listen and support without judgment is very healing, and it helps me begin to forgive myself . . . if I just stay inside my head and rehearse all the mistakes and "what ifs" over and over, I continue to beat myself up. All that's going to accomplish is to further erode what little self-esteem I have.

I do think forgiveness is a process . . . and I think when you're trying to forgive yourself, it requires really looking at the heart of why you made the decisions you did. Once we understand what's broken in us, we can take steps to fix it, and that's when I think we start to see real healing.

-Juliette

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:19pm
Oh, BabyGirl-
hugs hugs kisses and hugs.
I can't think of a single thing to say. I got to "my daughter's death" and lost it. You might be wondering how you're going to manage going forward, but I can only think that if you've survived what you've said, you're a GD FN pillar of strength, in spite of anything that's happened before, after, or ever in your life.

GOD BLESS YOU!!!!
dee