maybe have my explanation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
maybe have my explanation
41
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 1:48pm

I think maybe I have the explanation that I have been so desperately looking for.
I have been doing a lot of reading and research trying to figure out my pain, why everything happened and in doing so I think I discovered what I was dealing with in xap.

After reading so much info on this. I really believe he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has every trait listed.
In love relationships they go through 3 stages: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase, The Clinger Phase and The Hater Phase.
They come on very strong. Quick intense involvement,premature conversations about living together. I had never felt so close to someone so quick. He started talking about moving in together about 2 mos. into the relationship.
In the clinger phase they need your constant reassurance that your not going to leave them. They are terrified of being alone. He asked over and over if I would be there for him. That he didn't want me to give up on him.
Then in the hater phase they push you away. Once they know they have you they no longer want you. They will either just abandon you or find faults and reason to push you away. The thing they say they want most which is love is the thing they can't handle.
That is just a little bit of info on someone with BPD.
There were so many other traits that he had. I felt like I was reading about my relationship.
The psychologists say someone involved with someone with BPD for even a short time is left feeling like they have been involved in a hit and run accident.
I feel like I now have so many answers. I also know I will never get answers from him because he doesn't understand it himself. BPD's have very little remorse or empathy.
Now I have to deal with the problems with myself and why this man was so enticing to me. I have always been drawn to the mysterious,troubled types in movies and books. For example: Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, Max in Rebecca, the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Because the chances of the BPD coming back around are great. And I don't think I could mentally survive going through this with him again.
This was not just me looking for any explanation. I found this info by accident and couldn't believe the similarities.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 2:21pm

Willow,


I’m glad you believe you have an explanation for his behavior.


<>


I agree this is the most important thing to focus on.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 2:40pm
I am ready to let go. There were just so many reasons and not all things I ever expressed on this board, that left me feeling in such a state of confusion. I know that affairs alone lead to confusion but you add this to it and you have crazy making behavior.
I do realize his adoration of me and his seemingly need to be rescued filled my emptiness. I have never felt so needed before. I had never had a man be so emotionally open before. I also knew early on from things he said he had issues but I didn't realize to what extent. But I certainly chose to overlook them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 2:54pm

I counted “I” nine times in that brief post. That is a very good sign Willow!


I’m not saying you will be coasting all downhill from here. I won’t mislead you with such a statement. However, you are no longer at the crossroads. You have chosen a road and it is the one of introspection and healing. All I can say is welcome and we will be here to support you and help you through all the rough spots.


RL is keeping me hopping in positive way! You have my email address if you need me and I’m not around these parts of IV. I do try to check my email regularly even when I’m not on EAS.


Much love and big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 3:05pm

You scared me. When I read I counted "I" nine times in that post, I thought you were about to scold me. haha

Thanks for your encouragement and support. I agree with you I know I won't be coasting downhill from now on. But I do feel a great weight lifted.

I am sure I will be emailing at some point, I have a long way to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 3:20pm
I think you have to realize that all he said and did during the A was a LIE. It's sad but true. It was a lie to keep you making him feel good. That is what A are all about. Everyone gets lied to. I know it's a tough pill to swallow but it was all smoke and mirrors. You've diagnosed your XAP but unfortunately you really never really knew your XAP in RL therefore you don't really know what kind of personality he has. He was acting. He looked perfect and poured on the sweetness because that is what we do when we are in an A. We see only the good and we are on our best behavior. He's probably gone on with his life and you are spending your time analyzing his behavior. It really is time for you to put up a STOP sign in your brain and live your real authentic life because I can assure you he is living his.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 5:01pm

I know what you are saying...I have been doing a lot of reading too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 7:02pm

I was just re-reading this post and I felt the same way about my X.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 8:21pm
Not to be smart. But everything I seem to post you seem to have a problem with. No I didn't know him in RL but I do know the problems he told me he had. I know he told me his fear was ceasing to exist, I know he told me he had a great fear of the unknown, I know he didn't like to be alone, that he was scared of death and said it even caused panic attacks when he thought about it, I know he even had some gender issues. So you tell me if that was him looking perfect. I say those are all things most people would try to hide. I also know he was constantly asking if I really liked his body, if I really would want him in my life everyday, if I really loved him. I saw his insecurities. No I am not a therapist but I do know he had problems, that fit a BPD perfectly. So I think if he lied it would be about the way he felt about me because he never portrayed himself as this perfect,great guy.
And yes I think I needed to understand him to understand my attraction to him and what I got out of the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 8:45pm

Thank you so much! I am so glad my post helped you a little.

I agree with you why does the problem always have to be us. He came into my life when I had lost so much and it was wonderful to have someone who cared. I also had a hard time trusting him, but after his repeatedly asking me to open up and let him in and see what happened. I let all my defenses down, and yes that was a huge mistake.

That is what I have had such a hard time dealing with how the loving,caring man I knew seemed to just drop off the face of the earth, and could cruelly ignore me. And maybe it is wrong but I felt like I needed to understand that kind of behavior. I have always been interested in what causes people to act the way they do. If it had of been a friend going through this I would still be trying to figure out why her xap acted the way he did.
I am also not of the opinion that just lumps an affair into one category. Every A involves unique people in unique situations. I am sure there will be those who disagree but I never felt he was in it just for the physical aspect, and here I go "diagnosing" but people with the disorder I believe he has use sex as a way to get their emotional needs met, they don't use like a lot of men in A's the emotional aspect to get sex.

I feel so much for you. The way I am feeling after only 4 mos. of the A, I can't imagine what it must be like getting over and no longer having your xap in your life after 10 yrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 6:29am

I have want to understand, or try to understand why people do what they do.

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