Regret, and how to deal?
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| Tue, 09-07-2010 - 9:20pm |
Hello ladies and gents!
So, it's been about 3 and a half weeks of NC for me. Total NC, no fishing attempts on either side. I feel...good. For the most part. I've had zero desire to contact xAP, since there's nothing to say, nothing to talk about, nothing to 'get'. It's a bit of a strange feeling...like I've woken up from a dream (or, more likely a nightmare!) and I'm in the process of clearing my head, looking around and realizing 'ah! so *this* is where I am!'. Some of the things I see are good, and others not so good. I think that likening it to 'waking up' is apt, because it captures the feeling and process of sorting what is real and what was in the dream/nightmare. xAP is firmly in the nightmare part, there is no room for him in my 'now', the reality of waking up, but there's still some residue and uneasiness from the nightmare that needs to be shaken off. At the very least though, I'm awake and have no intention of slipping back into that dream-space again...and I can say that with full confidence, something I couldn't (and didn't) do before.
The new school year is coming up and I've been having some discussions with my supervisor and a few other profs regarding research, papers and things. I'm also gearing up to leave on my first trip overseas in a week and a half! As I've mentioned a time or two, I'm presenting at a conference in Oxford. I'm a mix of nervous and excited! But anyway, the point of this post - regret. I see a lot of good things on the horizon, I see that I can and will do good things, that while damaged from this and have a lot of work to do...it isn't hopeless. I remember well that hopeless and broken feeling, I'm so glad that I'm not there again. However, while I feel and see all of these good things, and I don't feel like contacting xAP for any reason whatsoever...I'm dealing with some heavy bouts of crushing regret. I suppose we all have to deal with it, looking around and seeing the damage we've done to ourselves, others and our lives. I know I wasted a year of my schooling, and I regret that. I mentioned briefly before, there is/was a colleague who had expressed interest in me during the A, and had I a clear head, I would have reciprocated. I've known him for the better part of 2.5 years, and over the past year and a bit have become pretty good friends. Anyway, I still get mixed messages from him now (re: interested or not) and I'm trying to sort myself out and just need to put words to it. I know that even when he was interested I wasn't in a good place and couldn't have done anything about it in a healthy way, so that is really a moot point. I'm sure that in my mixed-up state I sent mixed messages to him in the past, and I feel like I should apologize for that. But, is it smart to do so? I like him, always have since I've known him, but I know I'm not in a good place even now to be involved with anyone else. So, again, the 'what might have been/what could be' doesn't matter. Sorry if this has come across so confusing, I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with the crushing regret of the A in relation to many things, not just this guy. But at the moment the regret seems to have manifested itself in how I relate/deal with him. With school it's a bit simpler, I can look at it and think 'okay, I messed up and school scares me sometimes. But, there's no choice, no getting lost in something else (which is what I did with the A) now it's a matter of re-focusing and picking up the slack and just moving forward'. With a person...not so easy. He's no H or bf by any means (so, I don't 'owe' him anything in that sense), but he is a friend and I feel as though I should apologize. I can look back and see the hurt and confusion I might have caused, and because he's not some random guy that I'll never see again, I feel as though I should say something. But...maybe that would just confuse him, and I shouldn't. Rather, I should just let it all go, work/focus on me and keep my distance as much as possible.
I do regret the A in its entirety and for all sorts of reasons!, But in this case its coming out of a feeling of 'had I not been in it, what might I have had a chance at?'. Of kicking my own ass at missing out on this chance and for what? I know, I don't have a time machine, so no point in dwelling on it...but boy, regret can be powerful. I'm just not sure how to process and deal with it, it's not as though I want or can be with anyone right now, but the regret and feeling the need to apologize is still there.
Sorry if this is making no sense at all...but, there it is!
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

hey wcfem,
first off, congrats on presenting at the conf! you will do amazingly, and it is quite an honor. also, i'm giggling to myself at how many academics we have here on EAS. coincidence? i personally think grad school is to blame for all of my emotional problems :)
2nd off, congrats on your total NC. very impressive. the fact that no fishing has occured and there's no desire to make contact will serve you well. the first month is by far the hardest.
and to your main point: regret is a bitch. i feel like i learned a lot from my A but i'm terribly disappointed at the depths i had to sink to in order to learn those lessons. i'm trying to tell myself that, given my psychological state when the A began, if it hadn't been the A it would have been something else. that's a scary thought, but in being honest with myself i have to acknowledge that i was a mess before i was in the A, and thats why i was vulnerable to getting in the A, and then everything go soo much worse. consequently, i half-assed everything in my life. school was a big one; i dropped the ball on a lot of publications and projects. i was so embarrassed to contact collaborators months after a scheduled deadline. of course, my marriage suffered the most and my H put up with so much crap from me.
wcfem, you, like me and many others on this board, become so entangled in your A that you lost sight of other things that are important to you. and maybe if you hadn't been in the A, you would have gotten other things in life. perhaps you did miss out on some opportunities. but listen, its in the past. there is NOTHING you can do to make up for the lost time. as you said yourself, it is about picking up the slack and moving forward. the person that you need to make it up to, is yourself NOT AP. he was a consenting adult who chose to get involved with you, and he is responsible for dealing with his own guilt and his own consequences. do NOT take on the guilt of leaving AP along with all the other guilt. i've been struggling with that so much, and its something i need to remind myself of daily. your AP, like mine, is a grown ass man, and will need to contend with this however he sees fit. in terms of the colleague who expressed interest in you--i think you'll just have to let that one go. affairs create artificial worlds, and our emotional compass becomes incredibly skewed. you think you were sending him mixed signals, maybe you were and maybe you weren't. what would you say if you apologized "hey, i was in this really tumultuous affair at the time, but i'm free now if you'd like to get together!" you are not ready to get involved with anybody right now. the person you need to focus on is yourself.
if i remember correctly, you're young like me. there's soo much time babycakes. what you need to do is shore yourself up so you're once again engaged with reality and the world around you. the kind of man you'll attract at that point will be infinitely better than anything you had with AP.
best of luck :)
Wcfem,
Existentialist offered you some great advice so I really have nothing to add. I will reiterate one thing she said though:
<>
Yep, that's about all you/we can do and having regrets, I found, is such a waste of mental energy. What's done is done. There are no re-dos. You just pick up the pieces and push forward with what you have salvaged. From there you start rebuilding your life.
I would also like to congratulate you on your Oxford presentation. How exciting.
((Hugs))
~Iddy~
wcfem,
I think it is interesting that you bring this up today - last night in therapy we addressed my inordinate amount of regret - and my T laughed and asked me what is regret?
Thanks everyone!
I know, there really is only one way to deal with it and that is to move forward. There is no 'undo' or 'redo' button in RL. Like I'd said, I don't have a time machine (yet? :p) so there's no sense in dwelling because it's not as though I can go back and change it. I know that the regret I'm feeling has more to do with the whole A than it does with the other guy. I suppose it's that I've never dealt/had to deal with this much regret before, so I was at a loss as to how to deal with it.
Exi - heh, there *are* quite a few grad students/folks with PhD's on here ;) It's true, grad school really does a number on you! Heck, everyone here seems quite brilliant and accomplished in their own right...and yet, here we all are. You're also right in that I'm quite young like yourself (I'm in my late 20's), and I (we) indeed do have a ton ahead of us. I know I do, and I also know that once I sort myself out I'll attract a very different type of guy. Right now, it's about me...I haven't made anything 'all about me' in awhile. Maybe ever.
Anyway! Thanks for helping me sort out my thoughts/feelings here and letting me just get it off my chest. It's hard to explain to friends who, while they know about the A, don't quite understand how some things that don't see to be tied into it are and how things can be triggering. It was good to just get it out, even though I knew the answer already.
((hugs!))
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry