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|Wed, 03-04-2009 - 4:40pm|
I wanted to start a thread about d-days; for those that have had one I'd like you all to chime in. For those coming to the Healing Library I'd like you to read and be forewarned- for those that have not ended your a, to give you pause for thought along the lines of A-
.... for, the apoclypatic ending of a d-day is one that any one of us could face. it is one of the permutations of an A truly ending. it can happen to us all at any time, or, any where. it can and does surprise you. it is, after all, the wheels of life and justice crushing you....as they grind on and over your bruised, bleeding, shocked and prone body.
perhaps, no one of us is ever really safe- even after nc is initiated. and, during the a- or even at its ending- we still have enough of the rose-colored, fog-filled glasses left on our noses to pretend that it could never happen, truly, to us. but it can. always and forever. that's the price we pay to be in the a, to begin with. the carosel of lies continues to churn even if we step off the merry-go-round.... karma can always come back to haunt us.
so: hear this:
I had gone several months of nc with xmm. I'd initiated it, you see. I'd had several ah ha moments: (he suddenly announced a week after i'd head breast cancer surgery and he was driving me because i could not drive and because it was a snowstorm and i was a captive audience in his SUV that he would just have to wait, oh, another four years in addition to the 4.5 of the a - until his kids were out of the house- oh, and then he smiled and lied and said he'd already told me that; because it was my birthday and we went to a bar near work and he proceeded to turn his back on me and ignored me while we were there and every time i interjected into the conversation he sighed like i was a bimbo and when it was time to leave he left me in the bar, to put my coat on, so that i had to run after him, alone, like a whipped dog with my tail between my legs; because for my birthday he bought me a lame-o gift which was an afterthought, obviously, and signed the card, which was also an afterthought, with just his name- no ILU, no nothing; because when I told him on my birthday about my needs he said 'but i thought we could go on doing this forever'; because the last time we did the deed, he left with out a thank you ma'am and didn't call for several days and i realized/like duh/ how low i'd allowed myself to go; because because because there were dim lightbulbs going off all around me.. and there were many sad and lonely ah ha's that i could, today, go on forever and forever about. so i will not...i know you have all felt the same aftershocks of many of the same sort of sad tales. so it was, i finally got the drift as the lightbulbs became brighter and brighter. i had had no choice, you see. i had to save myself, eventually, with the one last breath i had left.
so, i went nc. i came here. i began to live. i began to enjoy the things i'd forgotten in life that used to give me pleasure. i began to hope. i began..... to begin.
One day it was icy, snowy. (why was it always cold, overcast and icy/snowy when bad things happened with xap?)... xap and i, unfortunately, had to work together. we had to do lc. i thought i'd done it sucessfully- all the lc tricks. i was feeling pretty good about things. i was moving on. well, there i was. in my office. i had a mutual project with xap. i had to get it done. he had dumped the majority of it on me. and i was sick of it. i sent him a fax to put in the file in case karma do doo decided to dump on me later on and i felt i needed to document things. i fax'd him all that week. zippo. nada. i had to work that weekend on the case and i was mad. another fax: this time- formally: we NEED TO GET THIS WORK DONE FOR OUR CLIENT. nothing.
monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday at 4pm i get a fax, finally, sent to my secretary: xmm: terse: meet me at my office at 3:30pm on friday. say what? who did that xmm, little rat that he was, think he was. it was snowing that friday. again. what a surprise. i didn't go. why should i? what was i supposed to say to the former great kimosabe? i was supposed to meet a co-worker/friend after work for a nightcap. she didn't call. we were friends, i thought. i was waiting in my office. suddenly she called. screaming. screaming at me. it seemed that xap had just left her office. he'd marched over there in a snowstorm. he'd brought along some old correspondences of mine. he portrayed me, to her, as a stalker as he showed them to her. as a derrang-o. as a threat. that the old correspondences 'proved' that i was going to send such things to his w. my 'friend' then sided with him, you see. she screamed at me that it was a done deed; that it was all my fault; that i was responsible; that i was crazy...yet, she had never called me when he was there to defend myself although she knew i was in my office. she never asked me to come down to her office to discuss this with the 3 of us rationally so i could defend myself. she never called me afterwards and asked for my side of the story. she just assumed.....
then i got a horrible letter from his office, typed by his secretary. hand delivered. horrible. ie: stay away. you psycho. you even came to my house and left tire tracks there. ugly, ugly stuff that does not bear repeating. it was cc:'d to his w. then, his secretary notified me that he'd changed his business cell. his w went ballistic and threatened me professionally even calling my cell provider (who had called me about it)...and so it went. i remember coming home, and, crying myself to sleep like a wounded animal- so much so that my dd thought i was going to harm myself and called my exH.
well, i'd saved stuff - letters- etc, he'd given me. i don't know why. some sort of self-preservation, i guess. we have a work relationship. a high profile one. i didn't save the stuff to care about him, or moon over it, or even look at it. it was just a sixth sense of things. and i got a friend, a lawyer, to march over there the very next business morning and tell him to cut it out.... that i had a little brown envelope that i could use if....
but it was ugly. and we all work in the same field. w, too. and i wonder about the reverberations. and it was so ugly that i think i've even forgotten all of what happened to me then. it was so traumatic that i think i've moved on so far into indifference that even typing it now i cannot remember it all. just suffice to say it was beyond horrible. and much, much more happened.
so, it can happen to anyone. at any time. we are never safe, truly.