Question mainly for men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Question mainly for men?
33
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 4:17pm

I am going to ask this since this board is so open and honest. This is mainly for the men but ladies you can reply also.


I will just be blunt and not sugar coat it. For at least 5 years maybe more hubby has had a hard time keeping an errection. He just turned 40 and has a clean bill of health. Years ago I ask him to try viagra, he told me no. So as many of you know I get my needs met by someone else. Also he spends many hours looking at porn. My question is he has stated he wanted to our relationship to be good. Why would he not consider viagra or something like it? Could it be that he is just to use to the porn and pleasuring himself to keep it up for sex with me? I have just given up on having sex with him. At this point I guess I am trying to figure out if it is worth trying to stay with him in a sexless marriage. Of course there are other things that are not working in our marriage I am trying to sort things out to decided if divorce is just the way it will have to end. After being together for 19 years it is hard to end it for good. At this point it is like we are two friends living together and yes he has some good points. So do I settle for a friend as a husband and step out on him when I need my needs met? I dont' know why I ask that last question cause I know no one can answer that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 5:48pm
Maybe I can shed some light on this I was in a relationship for 7 years and never had a phyiscal relationship EVER! That was my choice though she accused me of cheating because she said at my age i should want it all the time. WRONG! We did have an age gap but that had nothing to do with it at all. Mentaly I was not attracted to her I could not even think about her in that way. We were like brother and sister so I ended the relationship. I would say though stop stepping out on him that may be a reason hes not intrested in you is because in his mind you have diffiled your relationship so I BEGG you stop stepping out and put that energy into helping him want and desire you. Try again to discuss this with him and tell him how unhappy you are. If sex means that much to you just get a divorce and move on. I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 7:14pm
He doesn't know I am stepping out on him. As far as him being attracted to me only he can answer that question. In the past I have put a lot into our relationship. I would try to do everything from taking a bath, the doing full hair and make-up, and putting something sexy on that he had picked out ect. Sometimes he would want sex, many times not. I know it is hard to really understand a realtionship by posting because you are not gettting the whole story. So in the past when I did ask him if he would get viagra and he said no, any ideas why he would say that? At that point I was trying whole heartedly to keep things interesting. I even started sleeping nude just in case he might be interested. My thought was maybe if I just make myself avalible then when he is ready he will let me know. I have tried my best not to pressure him. When things would go limp I did not make a big deal of it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 8:18pm

All very tough questions. With no direct or correct answers.


Maybe the porn he looks at is extreme stuff that is not quite mainstream. There is some brutal stuff on the internet where the women get slapped,beat


resize2.jpg image by Roy5k2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 8:37pm

Hot...have you asked him why he wouldn't consider Viagra? Maybe he's afraid of taking it...it did have a nasty reputation for causing heart attacks. Maybe he's afraid of the side affects. Perhaps you can suggest you BOTH talk to a doctor about which drug may be best -- since there are quite a few of them out there.

I know it's hard to get men to open up and talk about things. But try. Try and make an environment where he feels completely safe to open up and talk about what's going on. I've never been married, but I have been able to get men to open up and tell me things that, quite frankly, surprised me that they would share with ANYONE. All of them have told me it was because they feel safe knowing that I wouldn't make them feel stupid or less of a man or judged in anyway. Let him know that this subject is important to you and you want to work on making your marriage work -- and this is part of that.

I certainly do not envy you your position...I can't even imagine what you must have to deal with...but I sincerely you find the right solutions for you. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, because the fact is no one has to live your life but you. I hope you find the answers that are right for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 1:19am

follow your bliss


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 6:38am

I left my husband for this very reason....

You say he doesn't know your sleeping with someone else, I'll bet he does. He has been with you for 19 years, he knows your happy mood.

In your position, which like I said I was in it myself, I would get rid of the kids for a day, and night, sit him down and lay it on the line for him. Don't sugar coat it, don't be mean either but tell him very directly how you are feeling, do not mention the affair! Spell it all out there for him and see where that takes the two of you. Tell him this is a last ditch effort to save your marriage.

When I did this things got better for a while but then it was right back to nothing after a couple of weeks. a few months of this I sat him down again and that conversation ended with were splitting up.

Now you could say it didn't work for you so why would I do that? Communication is the key, if you don't talk you will never know.

Myself I cannot, will not stay in a sexless relationship. you need to ask yourself if your really willing to stay in a relationship that never fulfills your needs.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:28am
Boudreaux, so true!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:32am

Siana, I thought about your post for quite some time. I guess instead of staying in limbo, I need to address this and tell him this needs to be worked on no exceptions. Due to past history he will change things for awhile and then go back to his orignial behavor. :( I guess if I were willing to stay in a sexless marriage I wouldnt' be so torn about this right? If it were ok by me I wouldn't feel so bad....Thank you for your wisdom


I think he does suspect but has no proof and maybe doesn't want the proof.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:42am

Male, well I wrote out this long reply and my computer locked up and I lost it. So here is the very condensed version.


I would have to imagine after the many years he has been into porn that it has had to have esculated. Once I had my first daughter he seem to see me as a mother not his wife. Because of the past I do believe he knows I am open to many things, I have proven that one ( i was surprised at myself).


He is a very prideful man. I think it would take a lot for him to even consider viagra. Maybe I dont' turn him on or maybe he can only be turned on one way. Hard to say. His reasoning for no viagra was there is nothing wrong with me, I can pleasure myself and have no problems. So I droped it because he was either to hurt to admit it or I just dont' do it for him and he really doesn't want to say that.


Something someone else said brought something to my mind. Since we did split up for a year and I was with other men, and since hubbys apperance has changed quite a bit maybe he doesn't feel I am attracted to him. If he is some how picking up on that he thinks I am or will cheat on him, I know that would affect the situation. Then again maybe since he has gotten use to not having sex for so many years he is just used to it.


He will not go to any type of counseling. I dont' want to settle. Life is to short

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:44am
I have to say thank you to all of you for making me think. Many times you ask me questions that are hard to answer. Sometimes I dont' even like the answer. I am working threw a lot and I appreciate you all helping me do it.
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