when to draw the line ?
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when to draw the line ?
| Thu, 10-02-2008 - 1:02am |
First, I am new here. I finally got the nerve to "join the club", as it seems there are some wise and experienced people here. :-)

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I just realized I probably posted this Q in the wrong section...(sorry) However, any feedback is STILL greatly appreciated.
Wow!
Hi and welcome justforty. Will you do us a favor and please fill in your profile so we can know something about you? Thanks. Stick around and jump in anytime. The folks here are great!
Wow, like nikki suggested, have you guys thought about counseling? Or maybe you should go yourself. I know all about when your self-esteem takes a nose-dive. It's not a good thing. My therapist finally got through to me that I deserve to be happy. I have to stop always putting others before myself all the time. It's hard, but it is doable.
Have you tried talking to her about what you want/need in this marriage? I gather she's always been like this, so what happened that made you decide you want her to change? Why doesn't she like giving you oral? Does she just not want you to cum in her mouth? If so, then ok, let her know when you're about to cum, and she can give you a HJ.
Is she Catholic? Has she been brought up that sex is "dirty", or that the man has to be the initiator? Would she be interested in role-playing, do you think? Does she have fantasies?
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Hi
I love this messageboard, and your responses. I'm very similar to the point I'm about to embark on an affair, what advice would you guys offer?
Terry
Hi there and welcome to the boards!
This is a pretty sticky situation, and unfortunatly one that many couples face nowadays. I am a pretty sexually liberated person. My husband and I participate in a BDSM relationship and besides my hard limits, there isn't anything I won't try for him. I think its important in a relationship to be able to be open and honest about what you want in bed without being judged for it. For us, trust and honesty are of the utmost importance and we feel comfortable sharing things with each other. I doesn't sound like you and your wife have that kind of communication.
Its very important in a relationship for both partners to contribute equally into everything, including in bed. I don't think its fair of her to expect you to perform sexual acts for her when she has no intention of reciprocating. Where in her mind she thinks thats ok is beyond me, but perhaps it could be linked back to her childhood. Was she one of those kids who got everything she wanted without having to ever give anything for it? If so she may think shes just entitled to what she wants and what you want doesn't matter. Thats incredably selfish, but some people are that way.
Does she have hang ups about sex because of religion or the way she was brought up? That might lead her to think certain acts are wrong or immoral. If thats the case, that is something thats a bit harder to overcome, but it can be done if she wants to move past it.
The other girls mentioned counseling and getting a dialogue going with her. I'm not a huge proponent of therapy. My mom is a shrink and sometimes therapy can do more harm than good if one of the parties involved thinks their partner thinks something is "wrong" with them. If that makes any sense. I think that first approaching her in a non threatning, non sexual connotation would be the best place to start. (therapy later, if you feel it needs to be taken to that level.) She may be resonsive, she may not. But all you can do is try. Try to be compassionate and understanding if she has a legitimate hang up that is preventing her from engaging in these acts with you. You don't want her to feel attacked, but you also want to get your point across. Her saying "I just don't like it" isn't really a good excuse to not do something, especially if its something you know your spouse would like and enjoy. Getting to the root of the problem is really the best way to resolve it, and it will take time for her to open up, hopefully she will.
Lothiriel
Our psychological reality, which lies below the surface, frightens us because it endlessly surprises us and drives us in a direction which society's rules and organizations define as wrong or dangerous
~Anais Nin
Hi and welcome playful. Please fill in your profile so we can know something about you? Thanks. The people here are great, so jump in anytime. No more lurking.....
Think long and hard before you move to an affair. Have you tried talking to your spouse (not sure if you're a man or woman)? What do they say? Is this other person married, also? Just remember that if it gets known, it's more than just your family that gets hurt.
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Her saying "I just don't like it" isn't really a good excuse to not do something, especially if its something you know your spouse would like and enjoy.
Sorry L, but this is one time I can't agree with you. If I say I don't like something, I don't want someone, especially my spouse, to tell me I will. I know what I like and don't like. But, I will say that something should be tried once. I don't like anal. I don't expect anyone to tell me I will with the right person. Tried it many, many, many years ago. How, exactly can someone else know what someone will like and enjoy? What happens when the person doesn't like it, they're not going to want to try anything again that that person suggests. Especially if it's something out of their comfort zone.
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I should have known that's what you meant. On that I do agree with you 100%. I could neer understand how one person thinks it's ok to always receive, no matter what it is.
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Good morning!!
Lothiriel is a very wise woman. Justforty should take notice to what was said here IMO. I've been in his shoes, believe me. There's nothing worse than to be in a relationship where one person is always the initiator, and the giver. After a while, one tends to stop trying and moves on. When two adults both feel they want to share everything with their mate, and not have to "keep score" as to whose turn it is to be the giver or receiver, and, in fact, both enjoy pleasing their partner, that's a powerful combination.
I've been in situations where someone was positive they wouldn't enjoy certain things during sex. Either they had tried it with a partner who wasn't sympathetic to her needs and fears, thus making the experience not good or pleasureable, or she hadn't tried it at all because she "knew" she wouldn't like it. Certainly I don't mean to pat myself on the back here, but after some gentle persuading, and lots of reassurances to her that it will not be a bad experience, in the end she trusted me enough to allow herself to be taken to another level where she had been terrified to go, and enjoyed it. It always amazes me when I hear someone say he or she would NEVER try that or do that. When the chemistry and trust is there between two people, whether they're straight or gay, there shouldn't be any boundaries to their lovemaking.....because EVERYTHING feels wonderful for them. I hope everyone has a nice day today. It's sunny somewhere I'll bet....just not where I'm at darnit.
mwm
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