Hello and welcome to the board! I've lived the BDSM lifestyle for 10 years now, collared to my husband and Master for the past 9 years (He and I have been married for 8 years). Just to let you know, one board that you might want to go to is the Taboos board. We have a whole section on BDSM there and you can ask questions there without feeling embarrassed. We have several Doms and subs on that board.
I myself have been kinky as far as I can remember, before I really understood what sex was. Barbie would often get tied up by Ken. All my fantasies focused on BDSM, with me being kidnapped, tied up and "forced" by powerful, dominant men, usually several at one time. My first marriage was strictly vanilla. We had sex on a schedule, the lights were always off, there was no toys, no talking during sex, and I was lucky if I had one orgasm. So after my divorce I knew that my next relationship would be a kinky one. I had to wait until I was almost 40, but the wait was worth it! I will never, ever go back to vanilla.
Since you asked what BDSM is, I'm assuming that you are a complete beginner, so I'll explain it in beginner's terms and you won't get overwhelmed. BDSM itself means bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadomasochism. You have Dominants, where the men are called Doms and the women are called Dommes. Then there are the submissives, also called subs (for both men and women). And then there are the switches, which are people who can be Dominant and submissive. I am always sub and my Master is always Dom. There are different places to practice BDSM. You can go to clubs and dungeons, where you play with others in public. You can go to a pro Domme (though I have heard that there are pr Doms as well). You can go to a private play party, which is held at someone's house. You can play with your own partner at home. Some people only practice BDSM during sex with their partner. Others, like myself and Master, live the lifestyle. That means that I always call Him "Master" (except when W/we are around people who don't know that W/we are Master and sub). I always wear His collar. I always discuss major decisions with Him. I am always submissive during sex.
Another thing about BDSM is that you and your partner have limits. This lets the other person know how far you will go. There are soft limits, which are activities that you've fantasized about doing and never have done them, but would be willing to try. Hard limits are activities that you will never do and these are non-negotiable. Your partner can push you with soft limits, but with hard limits, no means no. For example, my own hard limits are no children or animals involved, no water sports or scat and no other women involved. Subs will have safe words to use if things are getting too rough. Subs usually have a word they use should they want the activity to slow down because it's starting to become frightening or it's going too fast. Subs also use a word when they want the action to stop and then the Dom/me stops immediately. A lot of subs use the "stoplight" method: they say "yellow" to slow down the action and "red" to make the action stop.
A lot vanillas think that BDSM always involves whips and chains, though that isn't always true. It is in my case, since I'm a bondage whore and a pain slut. But that's just me. You can participate in bondage with no actual chains or straps. Bondage can be mental. For some subs, discipline involves whipping or spanking. That's not true in my case, since I love pain, so being whipped would be seen as a reward. I personally hate being disciplined by Master because I hate disappointing Him and because I hate His punishments. He usually gives me a task that I despise or worse, He ignores me. Being ignored is the absolute worse punishment that I can think of and I'll do anything to avoid being punished by Master. Roleplaying is another big factor in my relationship with Master. I love being His baby girl or His kidnap victim or His kitten or lots of other roles. Roleplaying can be very simple or it can be very elaborate, with costumes, scripts, props, etc.
There is a lot more involved within BDSM and I'm sure that other posters will give you more info and ideas. If you want some websites just e-mail me through my profile and I can give you direct links to some of my favorites.
welcome to the board, and to the light! ;oP there's nothing that you can't discuss with us- we're all here to answer questions and give advice to the best of our abilities.
i'm 24 and have just had DD 2 months ago...i'm HL and am still HL, but am at the same place as you- DF and i have vanilla sex, and i'm looking to move back into BDSM after roleplaying the lifestyle in Second Life (www.secondlife.com), a realistic virtual world of sorts.
sister has most def hooked you up with the best answer (i learn from her with each post!)- my add on is to maybe check out second life and have DH sign on too- you can test the lifestyle out before taking it to the real life sheets to see if you'd like it. there are also many strictly BDSM message boards and online meet ups where you can learn from experienced lifestylers.
hope you have loads of fun in the sack! tell us how it went, should you decide to give it a try.
Sisterhoney gave you a great introduction. The only thing I would add (and I am a submissive as well) is that you have to understand that BDSM isn't just about the physical, it is also about the emotional and mental. This is the aspect of BDSM that alot of folks find they're not prepared for. The range of emotions one feels during a scene can go from complete and utter terror to helplessness to adoration to infatuation and back again. You'll cry, you'll scream and you'll experience unbridled exstacy, but if you're not prepared for it, it can hurt your relationship.
DH and I participate in alot of mental and emotional games. For us they enhance the physical. Since I enjoy pain, a whipping isnt always nessicarily the best punishment for a wrongdoing. Generally I get orgasm denial, and it can last a while. Learning to control it can test you in alot of ways.
I recommend having a nice long discussion with your DH, discuss limits and what you both want to get out of experience. We have a saying in BDSM that is "Safe, Sane and Consensual". Everything is
Glad that we could help you with your questions! There are some really experienced people on this board so you're sure to get answers to whatever you need to know. And yes, there is a whole subculture built around BDSM, especially when you add in the gay and lesbian people, the crossdressers, the transgendered people and the transvestities, along with the straight and bi people. And then you add in the fetishists as well (even though I know some who don't consider themselves part of the BDSM community). That's a lot of people involved in some sort of BDSM.
I had a friend in college who had a French maid outfit fetish. She was a drama major and any play that had a character who would be in a French maid outfit was one that she audtioned for, even if the character didn't have any lines. Sometimes I think she would've audtioned for the French maid character rather than for the major speaking part. Master's considered having me dress up as a French maid as well. I don't think that any roleplaying costume/part is cliche as long as you and your partner have fun and enjoy yourselves. And one thing to think about: do not worry about seeming to be dumb or silly when you're roleplaying. After all we in BDSM do call our scenes "play." We try not to take ourselves too seriously all the time. So I'd say go for it and get that French maid outfit and have fun!
NP- as sister said, we're all here to help, and welcome any questions or concerns you may have!
yay- i've found a fellow grrl gamer! i never got into WOW, but i'm totally an RPG whore- i'm now into neverwinter nights, after coming out of a long tabula rasa addiction, LOL. my DF is totally into it as well, and we play together, too. we're also both in the computer field.
yea, Second Life would def be something that you'd like then...its more like just living a new life, and doesn't have a "point" per se- for DF and I, it was a place to explore alternative ways of living without doing them in real life...we tried BDSM, Gor (based on stories by John Norman- might want to check out this SL lifestyle as well...google search!), the vamp lifestyle, and a few others.
lemme know what you think of it...perhaps i can meet you in-world and give you a "tour" LOL.
Master is a gamer and He's tried His best to get me involved. I do play "Titan Quest" and "Diablo 2" (can't wait for "Diablo 3"!). But He plays lots of games: "WoW," "Everquest," "Guild Wars," "Neverwinter Nights," etc. W/we did roleplaying online in RPG chat rooms in Yahoo Chat many years ago. I really miss those days. It was so much fun to RP as someone completely different from yourself.
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Hello and welcome to the board! I've lived the BDSM lifestyle for 10 years now, collared to my husband and Master for the past 9 years (He and I have been married for 8 years). Just to let you know, one board that you might want to go to is the Taboos board. We have a whole section on BDSM there and you can ask questions there without feeling embarrassed. We have several Doms and subs on that board.
I myself have been kinky as far as I can remember, before I really understood what sex was. Barbie would often get tied up by Ken. All my fantasies focused on BDSM, with me being kidnapped, tied up and "forced" by powerful, dominant men, usually several at one time. My first marriage was strictly vanilla. We had sex on a schedule, the lights were always off, there was no toys, no talking during sex, and I was lucky if I had one orgasm. So after my divorce I knew that my next relationship would be a kinky one. I had to wait until I was almost 40, but the wait was worth it! I will never, ever go back to vanilla.
Since you asked what BDSM is, I'm assuming that you are a complete beginner, so I'll explain it in beginner's terms and you won't get overwhelmed. BDSM itself means bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadomasochism. You have Dominants, where the men are called Doms and the women are called Dommes. Then there are the submissives, also called subs (for both men and women). And then there are the switches, which are people who can be Dominant and submissive. I am always sub and my Master is always Dom. There are different places to practice BDSM. You can go to clubs and dungeons, where you play with others in public. You can go to a pro Domme (though I have heard that there are pr Doms as well). You can go to a private play party, which is held at someone's house. You can play with your own partner at home. Some people only practice BDSM during sex with their partner. Others, like myself and Master, live the lifestyle. That means that I always call Him "Master" (except when W/we are around people who don't know that W/we are Master and sub). I always wear His collar. I always discuss major decisions with Him. I am always submissive during sex.
Another thing about BDSM is that you and your partner have limits. This lets the other person know how far you will go. There are soft limits, which are activities that you've fantasized about doing and never have done them, but would be willing to try. Hard limits are activities that you will never do and these are non-negotiable. Your partner can push you with soft limits, but with hard limits, no means no. For example, my own hard limits are no children or animals involved, no water sports or scat and no other women involved. Subs will have safe words to use if things are getting too rough. Subs usually have a word they use should they want the activity to slow down because it's starting to become frightening or it's going too fast. Subs also use a word when they want the action to stop and then the Dom/me stops immediately. A lot of subs use the "stoplight" method: they say "yellow" to slow down the action and "red" to make the action stop.
A lot vanillas think that BDSM always involves whips and chains, though that isn't always true. It is in my case, since I'm a bondage whore and a pain slut. But that's just me. You can participate in bondage with no actual chains or straps. Bondage can be mental. For some subs, discipline involves whipping or spanking. That's not true in my case, since I love pain, so being whipped would be seen as a reward. I personally hate being disciplined by Master because I hate disappointing Him and because I hate His punishments. He usually gives me a task that I despise or worse, He ignores me. Being ignored is the absolute worse punishment that I can think of and I'll do anything to avoid being punished by Master. Roleplaying is another big factor in my relationship with Master. I love being His baby girl or His kidnap victim or His kitten or lots of other roles. Roleplaying can be very simple or it can be very elaborate, with costumes, scripts, props, etc.
There is a lot more involved within BDSM and I'm sure that other posters will give you more info and ideas. If you want some websites just e-mail me through my profile and I can give you direct links to some of my favorites.
welcome to the board, and to the light! ;oP there's nothing that you can't discuss with us- we're all here to answer questions and give advice to the best of our abilities.
i'm 24 and have just had DD 2 months ago...i'm HL and am still HL, but am at the same place as you- DF and i have vanilla sex, and i'm looking to move back into BDSM after roleplaying the lifestyle in Second Life (www.secondlife.com), a realistic virtual world of sorts.
sister has most def hooked you up with the best answer (i learn from her with each post!)- my add on is to maybe check out second life and have DH sign on too- you can test the lifestyle out before taking it to the real life sheets to see if you'd like it. there are also many strictly BDSM message boards and online meet ups where you can learn from experienced lifestylers.
hope you have loads of fun in the sack! tell us how it went, should you decide to give it a try.
Sisterhoney gave you a great introduction. The only thing I would add (and I am a submissive as well) is that you have to understand that BDSM isn't just about the physical, it is also about the emotional and mental. This is the aspect of BDSM that alot of folks find they're not prepared for. The range of emotions one feels during a scene can go from complete and utter terror to helplessness to adoration to infatuation and back again. You'll cry, you'll scream and you'll experience unbridled exstacy, but if you're not prepared for it, it can hurt your relationship.
DH and I participate in alot of mental and emotional games. For us they enhance the physical. Since I enjoy pain, a whipping isnt always nessicarily the best punishment for a wrongdoing. Generally I get orgasm denial, and it can last a while. Learning to control it can test you in alot of ways.
I recommend having a nice long discussion with your DH, discuss limits and what you both want to get out of experience. We have a saying in BDSM that is "Safe, Sane and Consensual". Everything is
Hey Sisterhoney!
Thanks for that information, it was really helpful!
Hi Sexsistah!
Thanks for the reply!
Thank you, Lothiriel!
Glad that we could help you with your questions! There are some really experienced people on this board so you're sure to get answers to whatever you need to know. And yes, there is a whole subculture built around BDSM, especially when you add in the gay and lesbian people, the crossdressers, the transgendered people and the transvestities, along with the straight and bi people. And then you add in the fetishists as well (even though I know some who don't consider themselves part of the BDSM community). That's a lot of people involved in some sort of BDSM.
I had a friend in college who had a French maid outfit fetish. She was a drama major and any play that had a character who would be in a French maid outfit was one that she audtioned for, even if the character didn't have any lines. Sometimes I think she would've audtioned for the French maid character rather than for the major speaking part. Master's considered having me dress up as a French maid as well. I don't think that any roleplaying costume/part is cliche as long as you and your partner have fun and enjoy yourselves. And one thing to think about: do not worry about seeming to be dumb or silly when you're roleplaying. After all we in BDSM do call our scenes "play." We try not to take ourselves too seriously all the time. So I'd say go for it and get that French maid outfit and have fun!
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NP- as sister said, we're all here to help, and welcome any questions or concerns you may have!
yay- i've found a fellow grrl gamer! i never got into WOW, but i'm totally an RPG whore- i'm now into neverwinter nights, after coming out of a long tabula rasa addiction, LOL. my DF is totally into it as well, and we play together, too. we're also both in the computer field.
yea, Second Life would def be something that you'd like then...its more like just living a new life, and doesn't have a "point" per se- for DF and I, it was a place to explore alternative ways of living without doing them in real life...we tried BDSM, Gor (based on stories by John Norman- might want to check out this SL lifestyle as well...google search!), the vamp lifestyle, and a few others.
lemme know what you think of it...perhaps i can meet you in-world and give you a "tour" LOL.
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