Feeling second
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| Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:02am |
Hello fellow FF wives. I need your help. I fear that without some support, I may be "formerly" a FF's wife.
Here we go - I have been married to my OFD FF for 5 years. I left my home, my job and my family to follow his dream. When he started on the department, we were not yet married, no kids.
Now, 5 years later, I find myself feeling alone, and second to his job. Single parenting 2 small kids and a teen and trying to have my own career has been hell. When I talk to him about this, he states that I am just jealous of his job, hours, and work relationships.
I am almost 40, married to a 32 yo who works with 26 yo's who date 21 yo's. This age span makes it difficult at times to enjoy FF functions where there are late nights, a lot of drama, and partying. Just not much in common some times. Alcohol seems to be linked to many many of the outings. I enjoy a glass of wine or good beer, but I have small kids, and a career, and can not afford the hang-over or DUI.
My husband also seems to put our relationship behind that of his FF "brothers". He acts different around them - not attentive or respectful.
I am very proud of my OFD FF, but insist that family and marriage be made to be the forefront. Duty calls, this I truly try to understand. The brotherhood is sacred, and a relationship that you can only really understand if you are in it. But I am truly in fear that I just can't cope with being second. This was not in our vows.
Help!
Thanks -
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Welcome Oshkosh! I'm Gail, I've been married to Tim for 19 years, we have two kids, Matthew is 17 and Brittany is 15. I can relate to the single parent thing,
WOW Gail!! Thank you so much for your reply. I suddenly feel as if I am not alone, and that means a lot! I did not take your suggestions in a negative way, and certainly it would be hard to disclose all of the dynamics of my marriage in an email. I am definately not perfect - and love my guy, so will try my best to do my 100%.
We are indeed going to enter into some more intensive counseling. That will happen after I take my State Nurse Practitioner Boards next week. We went to some EAP sessions, they were helpful, but limited.
Again - just finding this site has made me feel a little better. I look forward to contributing some happier entries in the future. I feel that just as FF's have a special bond, FFW's have the same struggles and worries. I am glad to have a new outlet of support!!
Thanks so much!
Lisa (Oshkosh.fire.wife)
I’m newer to the FF world as my DH started the academy in March, graduated, and has been a full-time FF ever since.
First of all, I'm Emily my (JUST RECENTLY!! YEAH!) DF and FF's name is Seth. We live in Southeastern, Mass. Seth works for an on-call department that needs to become and probably will very soon, full time. Anyway, on to your problem....
I think my first reaction to this would have to be that his issue (or your issues I should say) don't stem from him being a firefighter but stem from him not wanting to grow up. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but my DF and I are 23 and he has his nights out w/ the boys and that's fine but when he comes home he drops whatever attitude he takes w/ them and is respectful of our home and me.
You really need to tell him exactly what you told us. You don't mind coming second to the job, that's a given. But you do mine coming second to the boys. Ask him where he actually stands on the issue and whether or not he agrees w/ you and then make your choices from there.
I know it's so hard to see the truth sometimes but the girls here are always going to be honest w/ you so you're in the right place. I just think your DH has a case of "not wanting to give up the single life yet". The only way to resolve it is to talk to him about it and hope they he gets it.
Edited 8/13/2007 7:30 am ET by emaries414
Thanks Emily! The women here are very perceptive - amazingly so, being that the description of my situation was very brief. He definately has a need to "prove" something to the guys (no women on our dept.). There seems also to be a " have your cake and eat it too" mentality with my hubby. He wants a career wife/money maker, but one that is super mom, and doesn't mind that he stays out late with the boys. Granted, he doesn't go out often - but when he does, I expect him to consider what is going on at home. Like the fact that I have to work the next day, and just don't sleep soundly until he's home safely. Even Dr. Laura (do you know her work?????) who I don't agree with, says that you cut up your manhood card when you put your buddies ahead of the relationship with your spouse/sig other.
Thanks for your help! I will post on how counseling is going. In the meantime - I take my boards Wednesday - send me some good thoughts!!!!
Lisa
Hi Lisa! Welcome Aboard. My name is Tina and admittedly I am MIA tons from this board since I stepped down from CL in 0-2/07...life just got nuts for me. anywho just popped in tonight and saw your post quickly over the hundreds I have not had a chance to read. i agree with Gail on the counseling thing. also wanted to point out that the FFW website support page that you might like to read... http://members.tripod.com/cl-tina.startingagain-ivil/support.html
Good Luck! Take Care, Tina =)
Edited 8/30/2007 2:42 pm ET by tina.startingagain
Thanks so much!! I will check it out! I am amazed at the willingness of others to lend their help to someone they don't even know. Keep me in your thoughts, this process is really only just beginning.
Lisa
Welcome tiffy!
thanks for your insight gail - i think a lot of my uncertainty comes from "my own stuff" and i've been working really hard lately to be more understanding of both our needs to be individuals. with that said (and to reply to your question), we definitely make time for each other and go out on dates - i don't doubt that he loves me - it just feels extra hard when days go by (between our work and life demands) and he'd rather schedule time with his buddies than schedule time to catch up with me...
i guess when i initially responded to the "feeling second" forum, i didn't know what to say to be supportive to the questions about husbands putting others before their marriages...(i apologize for not having any helpful advice!)...maybe i'm wondering if it gets easier as time goes on because i really have a hard time with ff work schedules. our friends think we're crazy when we get to hang out on a weekday and go to the beach or when having dinner together is important to us - like we spend TOO MUCH time together. but they don't understand that my husband doesn't come home for dinner every night like theirs does - so yeah, having dinner together IS pretty important to me. and when we're at the beach in the middle of the workweek - they don't understand that he's gonna be gone again the next day for 24+ hours with NO contact.
okay, i think i'm babbling now - but i wanted to thank you gail for your kind words and reassurance. i'm excited to be a part of this community and look forward to lending an ear and being supportive to all of you!!
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