Was he being selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Was he being selfish?
26
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:42am
A little background first…I have a serious spotting problem between periods. So much so, that I have only 10 days a month where I am spot & period free. So…

Last night, my boyfriend kept talking about how horny he was and that he wanted me to go down on him. I said fine, I wasn’t really in the mood at that point, but I didn’t have a problem doing it for him. About 5 minutes into it, I was definitely in the mood. I knew my spotting wasn’t that bad that day, so I asked him if he wanted to have sex. His response? “Not now.”

I didn’t really know how to take that. He orgasmed about 5-10 minutes after that, so did he say it because he was so close? Or did he say it because the BJ felt good and he didn’t want to switch gears? I felt slighted, like his needs were more important than mine.

I asked him about it this morning, and he said he didn’t know that my spotting was light. He thought I was joking when I asked him. Huh?? Why would I ask then?? I’m guessing that was his lame excuse for saying, “yeah, it WAS all about me last night.”

Thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:14am
Usually, my DH likes to touch me while he's receiving, and I do the same...for some reason this is enjoyable and coordinatable(if that's not a word it should be! ;-)). It's also effortless and adds to the recipient's pleasure. I almost always orgasm when I know his is impending. Why not try that? Additionally, if he's so into it and can't provide manual, why not do it yourself? I don't think he was being selfish, I just think he was enjoying HIS time...just as you do when it's YOUR time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:20am
Oh, and hopefully you've been to a GYN. Spotting is not normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:41am
I've been to 3 different doctors and have had all different types of tests and surgeries. Their diagnosis? It's just how I am.

I don't mind when I'm giving and he's receiving...but it's just that sex is not an every day occurence for us because of my issue. That being said, I like to make the most of the time when I'm all clear or lighly spotting. But instead of having sex last night, he just wanted it to be about him (which it was the last few times).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 12:04pm
I'm going to assume that he doesn't like to have sex while there's blood. That doesn't leave you much, then does it? If he'll have sex with you while you're lightly staining,but not oral, then that leaves you intercourse and manual most of the time. If you're not getting either, then you're not getting any. Yes, I think he should be a little more sensitive to the issue at hand and try and compromise...but you can't force him to be compassionate. He has to want to. All you can do is communicate your feelings. When he said that he wanted oral, and you hadn't had sex(of any sort) in a while, why didn't you tell him that you were lightly bleeding, so that he could consider your feelings? If AT THAT TIME, he **STILL**, after communicating your status, only wanted oral, then that's selfish and inconsiderate. It sounds as though you're becoming resentful of the situation. I advise that you cut through the chase and get down to business. You have a predicament....you have to work around it so that ALL is happy.


Edited 5/14/2004 12:05 pm ET ET by free_to_choose
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:49pm
Good advice Free. I am in total agreement. I happen to not mind oral during, but shy away from intercourse. Is she is wearing a tampon then it is cool by me as I make no ensertion with my tongue. If all he is doing though is getting oral from you, and not reciprocating in any form, then yeah, I would say selfish and you need to talk to him about it and be honest. Here is an idea. Keep a douch bottle, and one nights you want to have sex use it before hand with plain water. Water cannot cause any harm to my knowledge as my ex wife used to use in between her bi monthly douching. She had a heavy odor problem. So she showered often, and douched regularly which made it much, much better. Anyway, enough digressing. Use a plain water douche to clear yourself of any spoting, and that may help get him more inclined to pleasure you. I have a real hard time with menstrual bleeding. But then again I don't handle my own blood, or the blood of those I really care about to well at all. Anyone else, I have no problems with watching them bleed as I was an EMT before the navy and a combat field medic for my unit in the navy. I almost faint when I see blood of mine, or my SO, or my kids. Funny huh? Anyway, try it out, and see if that helps him at all. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:52pm

Hello,


Personally.. I would have been ticked off if i wouldve gotten that kind of response!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 3:06pm
He thought you were joking? Hmmmm. Who the heck jokes like that? Like you said, he was either enjoying the BJ too much to interupt it or he didn't want to mess around during "that time". A lot of guys don't want anything to do with it down there when you are having your period - or in your case, some spotting. And I think that is perfectly understandable and very normal. I wouldn't take it personally. I usually take that week and just please my hubby. We'll do strictly breast sex and oral - on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 3:10pm
See that to me is selfish. IMO. He needs to be able to please you regardless. manual, fingers wash, oral if tampon is used there is no worries. Anal is an option if you and he are into it, but one sided sex, just because you are spotting, or on your period is wrong, I think. I wont do intercourse, but I will manually or orally get her to orgasm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 3:22pm
Ugh no thanks. I don't want him messing around with his fingers or anything else during that time. And thank goodness, he doesn't want to either! I get very turned on giving him oral and can have an orgasm just by doing that to him. I actually relish in that week (well, besides the cramping and everything else - :( ) because I get to perform lots of oral on him without him going anywhere else on my body! heh-heh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 3:40pm
I don't recommend douching at all Jeep. Believe it or not, your ex could have had problems, because she douched. BTDT. Sounds as though she had some sort of infection due to the "strong" odor. The only time I had a strong odor was when I was 20 and I had an infection that kept reoccurring(over a year). In between seeing the doctors and getting some relief, it would be faintly strong, so I did the most sensible thing that I was told to get rid of it, and douched. I used my own douche bag(sorry out there if that sounds offensive ;-)) which was the norm in those days. I douched daily. Little did I know that it probably had loads of bacteria harboring inside. They were rubber, dark colored, and they remained damp and wet until the next douche(even if you dried the inside, the long tube was probably harboring mildew and other contaminants. So, I don't recommend using these types of apparatus. Luckily for us women, they came out with disposables, which eradicated that problem, however, douching in and of itself is bad news. It disturbs the natural balance and flora of the vagina. Even if using a disposable water douche(I don't know if they plain water disposables, however, I know they used to have vinegar and water...talk about drying out the vagina) might dry it out or wash away any natural lubricants and protectants. My symptoms finally disappeared by getting my husband(then boyfriend) treated as well. This new doctor also told me to refrain from all douching. That was 26 years ago, and I've never had another infection again. Douching caused nothing but havoc in my body, so I strongly urge against it for any reason(unless a doctor prescribes it). Even if she were to douche, there's no guarantee that blood won't show itself during intercourse, and it would probably dry it out.

Thankfully her bf does seem to at least want intercourse during her light days, which is most of the time. She can also bathe and insert a tampon for oral, and then he can also use his fingers. The thing is, if he has a true aversion to blood, where exactly does that leave her?

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