i really need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
i really need some advice
10
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 3:42pm
i have been seeing this guy for three weeks now and i really like him. we had sex early on even though i knew we sjould have waited. i really enjoy hanging out with him and would like to be his gf. when we hang out its cool i just wish he would ask me out on a real date. our dates basically consist of going to the mountains and talking and hooking up. i basically told him that i was liking him and wanted more than a friends with benefits relationship. he says he is not ready for a relationship. so i basically said that we should just stop having sex and he agreed. i kinda want to continue having sex with him cuz i know that if he is getting it from me he wont look elswhere and besides the sex is great. the problem is that i want something of a real relationship with him. he tells me he cares about me but then i always have to call. he tells me to call him everytime we hang out. i wish he would call me more instead of having me call him all the time. please any advise would be appreciated cuz i know that i am in a mess.

thanks

mo

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 4:27pm
UNLESS you can deal with the fact that he doesn't want you for a GF but only a hookup, then don't begin having sex with him again. What would be the point?

I mean, look at his behavior. You said that he isn't taking you out in public, even as a friend....he's taking you to the mountains, where no one can see you together, just for sex. Does that sound like a friendship to you?

And don't kid yourself, there is no guarentee that he isn't doing the same with other girls! None at all! Sex has never and will never keep a person in your life, much less turn into more than that.

You two don't want the same things from this relationship, so spare yourself some pain and heartache and move on and find a guy who does want more.




Edited 5/14/2004 4:49 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:36pm
No, you're NOT in a mess, yet. But you will be if you continue this reckless behavior. You've known this man for only 3 weeks, and you go to isolated mountain areas with him? You're lucky they haven't found your BODY up there. You don't even know this guy!

It's very sad, but what you want is NOT what he will give you, and he told you so. How immature are you to think that if you give him sex, he won't have sex with anyone else? He's probably in those mountains a lot more than with you.

Let this be a lesson for you. The "dates" and the discussion of relationships should come BEFORE the sex...not after. You have established with him that you have no rules, you just have sex with whoever wants it. A man doesn't want a relationship with a woman just because he has sex with her....and he told you he doesn't WANT a relationship with you.

He doesn't call you....lucky you, now you stop calling HIM, and get out and get a life. Save your body for someone who CARES for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:48pm
thanks for both your advise. i think i am going to step back and stop calling him and see what happens. that is going to be hard for me but it will show what kind of man that he is. do you two think that by him saying that we shouldnt have sex and just be friends proves that he does want a friendship with me outside of sex? do u think that will be possible for us to have that?

thanks

mo

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:27pm
Personally, I think he said that because he could see that you were becoming way too involved emotionally. That's not what he wants. At least, he was honest from the beginning, I'll give him credit for that.

It may be possible to be friends IF you move on and date someone else but at this point, I think you're going to continue to hope for more! Move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:43pm
do you think that it would be best for me to stop hanging out with him and try not to have a friendship? does it sound like he wants a friendship or just doesnt want me to be in love with him? cuz i would like to believe that he would want a friendship with me.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 12:43am
child, he doesn't WANT to be your friend! He wants sex with you, nothing more. You keep asking the same thing.....and the answer will always be the same. He doesn't want you as a girlfriend, as a friend, or anything but a sex provider. If you stop calling him, and stop giving him sex, you'll never hear from him again, and you'll be better off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:20am
What jo said.

It's gone past the "Perhaps we can be just friends" thing the moment that you had sex with him. He doesn't want a g/f and he agreed to not have sex anymore because he is keeping you happy by agreeing with you. He knows that if he keeps you happy and keeps you around him you'll probably give in and still have sex with him.

If he wanted a proper relationship with you he would have told you by now. You've made it clear that you want more and all he does is nod and smile and say "Yes, yes". He doesn't want a relationship, he wants sex.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:10pm
Here are the "facts" as you've stated them so far. You're having sex with a guy you like a lot and with whom you'd like to have a relationship. He has said that he doesn't want more than sex from you and now, has stopped even doing that with you! Now, you're calling him because he isn't calling you for sex anymore. IF he wanted a friendship, he would have kept things platonic from the beginning, he didn't.

I think you can see that he doesn't want the complication of a "friend" who wants more from him in his life, especially, since he's already told you all that from the beginning. Because you had sex so quickly, he must have assumed that's all you wanted from him too.

So, no, IMO, I don't think you're going to be able to keep him as a friend now. Move on and stop wasting time on this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:18pm
ok, thanks for your advice. im not going to call him anymore. if he wants to call me he can but im not giving him sex until i get what i want and deserve. actually, in the very beggining he said that he did want a gf but i guess not now. i really should have waited to have sex. also, to tell u the truth im so tired or worrying about whats going to happen that i really am starting to not care what happens between us. thanks


Edited 5/16/2004 8:31 pm ET ET by mo2032
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:41am
Well, if he said he wanted a GF in the beginning and then changed his mind AFTER he got sex, it's pretty evident what he was really after. But you're right...you do deserve more! Good luck!