He's mad cuz he's too quick??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
He's mad cuz he's too quick??
10
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:56pm
Lately, my DBF has been getting FURIOUS at himself for finishing during intercourse too quickly. It doesn't amount to a hill of beans to me cuz by then, he's already made sure I am MORE than satisfied. I told him it's cuz he's just been more excited. I've lost a lot of weight, got a tan, highlighted my hair, toned up a LOT, basically, I'm "one hot fox" if you ask me.. (tooting my own horn.. don't mind me).

Anyway, this last time, he just got so mad that he didn't last more than a couple minutes (3-5 not sure how long). And it upset me that he was so upset at himself. He even had trouble going to sleep.

So, any ways I can handle this situation? Tricks I can try so that he doesn't even know I am "helping him" or ways I can talk to him and say "Honey, I am MORE than satisfied.."?? He does the stop and start method and then can last like 10.. not much more, but sometimes he just gets so turned on.. and well... I hate to see him upset. HELP!! I really think he thought he let me down last night... and he didn't. *sigh* NOT AT ALL. I just love him and think he's the most incredible lover I've ever had. I tell him that. But all he knows is that "He didn't last more than a couple minutes..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:21pm
Actually, I think that 3-5 minutes for intercourse, after a long while of foreplay, is on the low side of average. But, if he wants to last longer, then HE has to train himself to last longer. Getting mad, going into a snit isn't going to change anything.

What can you do? Get fat & dumpy? Ok, just being silly, but I'd sure question his feelings for me if it took dieting and highlights to make him enjoy sex with me. Not that you shouldn't do those things, for YOURSELF, but I think I'd be very hurt by that.

He needs to get a grip, and he needs to practice holding it back. He's acting like a kid, if he can't have what he wants, he'll just throw a fit and upset you in the process. It's going to get to the point that you won't even have sex with him if you have to have this performance after ever session. He needs to grow up.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:42pm
What can you do to help him? Well, to start, don't get caught up in the routine. He bemoans his performance and you spend a certain amount of time reassuring him. And that's obviously not doing any good. Reassure him ONCE and leave it at that. IF you spend any more time than that, it seems forced and insincere and it WILL get very old quickly!

He will eventually get used to the "new you" and calm down some but the best thing he can do is to keep practicing with the stop and start method and mature. Most men find that they slow down and gain more control as they age. Also, education is the key. "The New Male Sexuality" by Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld is a great resource book for men and I highly recommend it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:11pm
I don't understand what the big deal is really. You're getting off, so is he (a litte too quickly for his own preference), but that could change. Try making love more often, so he's not so quick to the punch, so to speak, maybe. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:53pm
Must be the Kegel exercises you do...you go girl!! He is being way too hard on himself. His attraction to you is playing a part in him finishing fast...it happens. what you could try is having oral sex and stopping before he ejaculates...he can also masturbate and stop before he ejaculates. Practice makes perfect and the more he plays with himself or you play with him (dont let him ejaculate) the better he will get at controlling himself. I dont know if you use condoms. Condoms reduce the sensation the guys feels when he penetrates the vagina....so that may be something to try. It also dependes on how often you and him have sex. If he rarely get's it then by the time he get's some he is so exctited he cannot control himself...and on top of that you look good.

Anyway those are just afew scenarios I have ran into personally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:46am
Ummm.. We've always had a gerat sex life even before I lost a pound... I just thought that might have added to him cumming more quickly.. kinda like being with a new woman. My weight loss had NOTHING to do with our sex life...(or rather I didn't lose weight to make out sex life better)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:48am
Making love is already almost a nightly thing... well it was till this last event. And now he hasn't even touched me. I'm hurt now... I'm beginning to wonder if it's something more...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:57am
From a guy's perspective...

I'm somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to some aspects of my life (sex, relationship, martial arts, work) and I sometimes end up getting upset because I disappoint myself. With sex, I understand fully well what it's like to have your own body betray you. You have this mental image of a hot, sweaty, long, drawn out, torrid sexual encounter. What your body does instead results in a cataclysmic fizzle after two desperate minutes of trying to calm the hell down.

That was an explanation. What he does (and I must admit, I do as well) as a result of his perceived failure is abusive. He's angry with himself and whether he realizes it or not, is taking it out on everything and everyone. It may not be directed at anything external, but the mere exposure to it is acrid enough.

You may be right, there may be something else going on, but on the other hand, he may realize his upsetness displeases you and bottles it up instead.

Communicate. If he thinks he can sort it out without your help, give him all the space *your* comfortable with. In the end, it's your needs that are most important to you.

As far as the sexual problem goes, try having him orgasm first (pre-plan this of course) and continue with the foreplay until his refractory period is over. By the sounds of it you're both young, so the refractory period shouldn't be that long. Also, as other posters have mentioned, tell him to masturbate more frequently. The sensitivity of the glans is what, more often than not, gets us off faster than we want to.

Hope that helped.

Mutt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:56am
THanks, Mutt... I am going to talk to him about it, but I was giving him his "cooling off" period before I approach him (learned that the hard way..lol). It's just taking him longer than usual to "cool down". Normally, it's a day or 2 at most. We are going on 4 days. In his defense, he's going on the 15th straight day of work (had been on 6 days a week. Got moved to 7 days..*sigh*). And I'm not sure what "young" is to everyone here, but he's 36 and I am about to turn 30 (13 days). SO, we aren't "kids" if that's what anyone is thinking (by that I meant how people often generalize those in their early 20's as "kids" - drives me nuts actually..lol). Does that change any of the light on the subject?? ALso, he hasn't (as long as I have been with him) been able to achieve a second erection except maybe one time... So, I think that's why he doesn't want to ejaculate through other various methods before WE make love... he doesn't want to "waste it" (that sounds harsh..lol) but being "inside me" is so important to him... it's such a personal intimate connection that we both cherish... BUT, I think maybe I'll experiement SHOULD I ever get him on a day that he's not worked to the bone and has a bit of extra energy ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 2:57pm
Here is something my SO did for me when I was going through a rough period as far as stamina. She would orally please me, and by the time I was finished orally pleasing her, I was ready to go again, and I must say, after a great orgasm orally, I could go for a while with entercourse, and didn't feel like I was letting her down. I know the feeling he is going through. I was that way for a long time. My exwife never knew entercourse for longer than a few minutes, and no matter how hard I tried, there was no stopping the ejaculation. My ex never really cared about how long I took, as long as it was over quickly. She would have some orgasms, and when she really got horny, she could use me like a vibrator, and tose me away when she was done. Thank goodness we have such a thing as divorce. It was required in my case, for my self image to improve. But, orally getting him off first, then letting him rejuvenate will help a great deal in his stamina. And him being quick during oral is never that bad of a thing. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:07pm
Well, I think there might be good news...

He got angry at what I think he THOUGHT was about the stamina problem, but after last night (which is when his mood finally broke) he discovered that WORK was the core of his stress. I think that when he had his most recent quick ejacualtion, he got upset, but that little upset triggored the EXTREME stress he's been going through at work. We didn't talk about the "sex problem" last night cuz incase he forgot about it, I don't want to bring it up. I simply asked "are WE ok" and he reassured me that WHATEVER his problem was (at that point he still didn't know), WE were ok and ~I~ was not the problem. Then we proceeded to go about our VERY enjoyable evening at dinner (celebrating our 6 month anniversary) and when he got relaxed, his thoughts cleared and it dawned on him that IT'S WORK that is getting to him (after all, he's working 7 days a week, 70 hours a week till who knows when..). And of course, when we got home last night, the fires were hot again and he had no complaints. I guess I learned that things aren't always what they seem and some things may take more time (in this case a LOT) than others...

THanks, guys, for the input!! I am so thankful to get the perspective from "the other side" most of the time. Sorry to any gals that read this, but when I hear "well, when a man does this, it's cuz of this" from a woman.. I feel like asking "HOw do you know? You aren't a man..." Hey, I've read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!" That should be the instruction manual for understanding the oppsite sex. GREAT BOOK!! THanks again!