confused......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
confused......
8
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:22am
well..where do i start....

i had been going out with this guy for awhile, really amazing, sweet and caring guy..

so much fun to be around...and we got along really good, but all that has changed.

since we had been going out for quite some time we started to have conversations about making love and what it would mean if we did..he told me that he would want to be with that person for along time and he would have to care about them alot.

well i always told myself i wasn't going to do that until i got married, however i have had one other partner, but i just promised myself that wouldn't happen again.

i had thought about it with this guy, like any girl would, and recently we did.

here's the problem:

almost right after my feelings changed, in a bad way.

i really do care about him and love him, well atleast i think i did, i'm not so sure now because now that we have my feelings have changed towards him, it's like i have no romantic feelings for him anymore.

i did up to that point, but for some reason they have went away since we have been together.

i don't know if this is normal and just a phase, but i hurt him alot and i don't know how to get them back, if you can get them back, why they went away..i am just totally confused..has anyone been in this situation before? is this normal?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:05am
This is just MY theory but it sounds like you may be unconsciously resentful toward your new guy for bringing sex up and enticing you to become intimate again. That would certainly explain why you've turned off your sexual feelings now.

Did you think if you had refused to become intimate and explained that you wanted to wait until marriage, that he might not want to be with you? Did he give any indication of that?

Did you feel that you had no choice about it? Did you feel pressured, even subtlely?

I think you need to talk to your guy and let him know that this isn't a good time for you to be intimate with him or anyone. When in doubt, don't. At least, until you know that you really care about this guy. It's just not worth throwing all your principals away just to be with someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 2:36am

You didn't mention if the sex was good or not.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:04am
So many different reasons for what you are feeling. Or explanations that is. Let down sexually, physically, or emotionally during, or after you had sex. Only you know the real reason. Find it, and either fix it, or forget it. It is your call. This one I am not sure any of us can help you with. I am a guy, so I don't even know where to begin, other than the sex. As Yasmin said, was it good, bad, embarassing, offensive, etc. Did he do something to turn you off, have a small penis, not know what to do, no tongue, what??? There has to be more to this than you are letting out here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 2:17pm
well i did feel pressured the third time.

we have been intimate more then once, 3 times actually.

it all happened so fast..it was my first time with him and we had done it 3 times in a matter of hours.

now the first 2 times i did consent, i don't know why but i guess one of the biggest reasons was the fact i was begining to weaken because we were fooling around and i was just turned on more then usual.

but the third time i said no atleast 10 times and he wouldn't listen to me, i was saying no and he was taking off my pants..i told him this and he said "oh come on, if you didn't want to do it you wouldn't have, so obviously you did" i agree,completely, however when i was saying NO why would he even try?

the night before we had talked about sex abit, just what he thought about it and what i thought about.

he already knows that i wanted to wait until i got married, not necessarily implying with him, but with anyone, however i have been intimate with one other person, but right after i had sex with him, my feelings only became stronger, so how come with this guy have they almost completely went away? *i was alot more comfertable this time though*

another thing i told him was "if i ever want it, even so so bad and i am begging for it, say no and don't give in because i know i would regret it after" and he said "ok" and he never did that, i mean i know he is weak too, but i had already told him i WOULD regret it, and i did, so why is he so shocked? did he forget? i think so, i honestly do.

when we talked about intimacy the night before, he told me that he wouldn't do that with someone he didn't think he was going to be with for along time, that he was planning on marrying, he wanted to make sure he loved and cared about that person alot, that it just wasn't about having sex with random people anymore.

it's not that the sex was totally disappointing, i just felt like it was more for him then me.

i wasn't hating it but i wasn't loving it either...i just figured he would be alittle bit more about me, as in kissing me while being intimate or even just cuddle with me after, but he got dressed almost right away, didn't lay with me and went and had lunch.

i mean he did kiss me, and he wasn't completely rude, but to me that was still alittle rude and hurtful.

considering this was our first time i wanted to be more about "making love" then just "having sex" and thats all it seemed to be to me.

when i talked to him about how my feelings had changed and so on, he told me i was just using him for sex..and i asked him if he really thought i was like that, and he said no i'm just confused, i dont know what else to think.

but thats how i feel, used for sex, i told him that also and he said "why would YOU think that? if anything i love you more"

i haven't told him what i wrote above ^^ but i'm kind of scared too, i don't want to hurt him and make him think he was being an inconsiderate jerk, and thats exactly what he'll think.

but there's so much more to it that he doesn't know, all of that ^^ he has no clue, i didnt say any of that..how do i tell him this without hurting him? or do i even tell him? where do i start..?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:30pm
As I said above, "when in doubt, don't." It's clear that you don't really know what you want and that he isn't being considerate of your feelings. Continuing to undress you as you're saying "no" is a good indication of that. Of course, you were also giving him mixed signals by allowing it. Guys will say just about anything to have sex including that they intend to be with a partner for a "long time." I'm not saying that he's lying to you necessarily but only that it's a possibility.

Sounds like you need to sit down and figure out what you want from him, from sex and from this relationship. I would suggest that you stop complicating things by continuing to have sex during this time, too.

And you will never get what you want in bed unless you ask for it, particularly from an inexperienced lover.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:49pm
It usually the guys who feel this way afterwards! lol. Was the sex good? Did anything in particular happen during the act that may have made you feel badly or weird/awkward? Other than that, I honestly can't say what might have happened. Usually making love to the person you care about bonds you closer. If your feelings have changed, they've changed! What can you do? Just tell him as tenderly as you possibly can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:57pm
Sorry, I hadn't read this message before posting my first message above. It sounds like you didn't want to have sex the third time, even telling him you didn't want to, but you did anyway. That is probably what turned you off. It was all for him and he wasn't even thinking about you. And if you think a man is going to say "No, remember now honey, you don't want to have sex, remember"? and all the time, you are hot and horny for it, forget that! They are going to go for it! It's got to be you who is the strong one, not them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:30pm
Well, it all seems pretty straight forward to me.

You have ended up having sex with the guy even though you've been in two minds whether or not you should have sex at all. After the third time you didn't really want to have sex and you feel a bit used. Add to that you're upset that he didn't stop when you wanted him too and you are confused about that too.

No wonder you have lost any romantic feelings for him. You weren't 100% sure you wanted to do it and it went badly and your b/f didn't help things at all.

If you went bungy jumping for the first time and weren't sure you wanted to throw yourself off a bridge with only a rubber band around your legs, you certainly wouldn't want the instructor to push you off if you weren't ready. Especially if you had just told him that you weren't ready. You'd decide that the instructor wasn't a very nice guy.

Only you can get any feelings back for your b/f. Bear in mind that it didn't go well but your b/f wasn't very experienced either and he made mistakes too.

What you wanted from making love was obviously not what he wanted and thought would happen. I think that you need to talk about it some more before you try again because your expectations didn't match the reality. I don't think that he's using you, I just don't think that he has learnt to be a considerate and caring lover yet. But you don't know what you really want either.