Expectations of your partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Expectations of your partner
54
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 6:40pm

OK, my last question about duration of intercourse seems to have caused quite a bit of confusion on my meaning.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:02pm
I totally agree although I will sometimes suggest something I suspect my husband to feel uncomfortable doing just to see him blush, lol. Besides when he finds something humorous, his dimples are more pronounced. I will do almost anything to get him to flash those dimples.

Robin

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:54pm
I'm certain we all know that any unwanted sex act isn't a "pushed issue" in secure marriages, but I think its actually tougher trying to say "no" the right way with love and respect than it is to ask for something sexually different. Not sure how many ways there could be to simply not push an issue though, HOWEVER, I have some thoughts on this anyway.

When it comes to introducing something NEW like a new position or toy or even a new sexual act, OF COURSE we're not always in the mood, so on certain days I tell her (and of course, vice versa) "I'm all yours" which is our personal signal of "whatever you want baby!" GOOD GRACIOUS YOU SHOULD SEE HER EYES BULDGE ALONG WITH THAT GRIN WHENEVER I SAY THAT! RAOFL!!! I think a TRICK for us is to always be broad and open when asking what the other would like, THAT way the door is wwwwwide open for whatever our pleasure is.

In our marriage, its really all about the receiver. We're too secure to worry about selfishness or whose turn it is or respect or pride or anything like that. The love is very securely there and ego has absolutely no place in it. If I don't feel like doing something at all, then it never gets brought up unless I say I'm all hers. When she's really in the mood for something that I'm not in the mood for, I'd be utterly offended if she didn't 'trust me enough' to at least ask anyway. I don't consider that pushing an issue and she knows it. We know each other too well enough and are too secure to worry about stuff like that, thats part of growing in marriages together IMHO.

When she wants to tinker with face-sitting for example, then by all means, I'm so excited to know that something drives her out of her mind that I can't wait to do it! However, any of the...hmmm...couple of the things I don't like to do, I LOVE doing them anyway just because I KNOW what it does to her...I just simply cannot resist sometimes! The love and appreciation is absolutely great, but just the reaction from her and just knowing that I'm totally rapturing her is all I need...I'm just all hers at those times, bar none...can't resist!

Again, there's always things we're not interested in, but there are just those times when "I'm all yours" pops up and its all about the receiver. Doesn't work for all marriages, but in answer to your question, it REALLY works for ours. We could not POSSIBLY be happier.

Whew...hopefully she'll get home way before my next shift...grrrr!!


Edited 5/20/2004 8:00 pm ET ET by para1995

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:12pm

Para, you've told me what you will do outside your comfort levels for your partner.......however my question was the reverse:

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:54pm
>>your partner does not like to analyse their sexual responses.<<

This is a key point in this discussion. Some people are more analytical about their own and their partner's feelings and responses. If you tend toward the analytical ( I do) , you may think it very easy to adapt and make changes in yourself to please your partner and so assume that it is easy for your partner as well. If they are the "just relax and feel it" type( this is my DF), this can be very hard for them. I have come to realize that what I like the most about her is her responsiveness and how much pleasure she feels in our lovemaking. I also realize that this is probably mainly because she doesn't think about it or analyze it. This may mean that she isn't thinking about my pleasure (or even her own) and there are times when I wish she would be a little more analytical, but I just have to accept that this is a part of her and it's what most of the time makes her exactly the kind of lover I appreciate most. I want to add here that her attitude is one that never asks anything of me and is happy and satisfied with almost anything and everything we do.

taoist

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:28pm
Say, is this that thing I just read you talking about on another string? LOL!! j/k

Okay, if I ever get your question right, my answer is signals. During cunnilingus or fellatio, we guide each other, just like most relationships do I suppose. Our signal to each other goes a bit further though.

When she guides my head while I'm enjoying her down there, I'll quickly squeeze her hands to let her know that THAT is all I can handle or am willing to handle. This usually involves her signal for me to probe deeper. Likewise, when she tries to throat me during fellatio, she'll signal me regarding how far she can go whenever I choose to guide her, BUT there is no such thing as me pushing it once I get that signal.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOPEFULLY I'm not being 'too passive' by doing it that way, but really the only one that matters is her. I'm still not sure I understand your question or how a topic like this will help, but my wife doesn't believe in pushing it beyond our signals, and neither do I, so "how far" isn't really an issue. Maybe if you answered this I'd get a better idea of what you were looking for? Wish me luck. ;)

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:41pm

I don't like to be pushed outside of my comfort level, so I would never push my husband.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:10pm
Amen sister!

My wife wanted to try handcuffs on me along with the blindfold one time last year. She said it seemed like fun to be able to control everything without me having any ability to alter what happens. AWESOME!

But we never did that. Turns out that one of her reasons was to avoid me pushing her beyond her comfort level.

You see, she was so concerned about being perfect for me that she always avoided saying something or stopping my "push" if you will, so I never even KNEW when I was pushing too much until it was too late and she got silently irritated.

Once she finally trusted me enough to talk about it, I never felt so horrible in my LIFE because thats exactly what I DID NOT want to do to her. SOOOOO, I now focus so much more now on making her happy and making sure all is okay. After that episode, we came up with our 'signal' system.

Going the extra mile to please the one you really love to death and not pushing things while you're being pleased as well, I think should be just fine, BUT there really are so many diverse opinions out there...

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:18pm

mmmm....so I'm analysing the fact that people shouldn't be made to analyse.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:21am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:13am
I'm like you Yas. I couldn't/wouldn't push my DH to do anything. I wouldn't even present it as a "must-do" because that adds more pressure. I don't enjoy any acts that aren't 100% enjoyed by my partner. I'm just wired that way. If it's not freely given, I don't want it.

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