He changed his m.o....now what?
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| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:54am |
(Prior to me actually talking to my bf about this, I wanted to get some opinions)
So, I'm a little lost on what to do. This past weekend, my bf did something I NEVER thought he would do....unless *I* asked him. We're in our early 30's and have been together for almost 2 years. When we talk about sex, my impression was that he isn't into sex beyond vanilla. That includes ANY anal play or what not. I asked him if he ever had anal sex, he said "no, and I'm not interested in it". I asked him about anal play, and he said, "no, but I'm not really into it." (for me or him).
So you can understand my surprise when he starts playing with my anus. I was shocked, like why, did he do that? NOT that I'm really complaining, as I do like it, but here's my dilemma.
I was expecting sex for us to be very vanilla, unless *I* ask him to do something for me/to me. I'm completely thrown off that he changed his MO by himself. I'm also wondering if he just lies to me about what he's done, in order to make me feel like I'm so special. BTW, I've been with many men, and I absolutely HATE men that can't tell the truth because they're afraid I can't handle it. And it really bothers me that he may be lying.....
Therefore, I was wondering if I should talk to him about this. Y'know, ask him what is going on, what changed, why now, why do this, did he lie to me about what he has done and not done? I guess the reason it bothers me is two-fold. One, he feels he has to lie, I don't like that, because that means he can lie to me about anything else, if he feels he doesn't wanna hurt me (like ANYTHING from cheating to not really feeling like calling me back and making up some stupid excuse...to me, that's bad, and leads to bigger troubles), and two, I DO NOT want to teach, and dangit, if I KNEW he was into this stuff, it would save me so much trouble of trying to supress my kinky side.
Also, I can understand maybe up until recently, he wasn't comfortable with these things, but in all honesty, I would like to know what I can experience and what I cannot. Kinda like a man wanting anal, but never asking his SO, and he never realizes that she in fact loves it, but she doesn't want to bring it up because he gave her the impression he doesn't want it. It's confusing. I guess, I just want to know what I can one day look forward to, versus him giving me the impression it will never go beyond vanilla, and then he DOES do something w/o me asking. I guess that's what threw me off so much. He did it w/o me asking.
Your thoughts?
TIA
-T

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I would not get to stressed out over the situation....maybe he felt like the time was right for him...I would ask him out of curiosity why he did what he did but I would not go into detail about it.
I am not into anal sex but when my guy and I are giving oral at the same time and I am on top....and he messes with me there(anus) just some gental rub is wondrful. I enjoy it.
Talk to him about this and see how he feels if he is willing to do it more often...maybe he is going to open up to a lot more.
HTH,
Christi
I think you two SHOULD discuss all this though, particularly if you plan to be together for the long haul. It's not fair for one partner to assume that he or she will decide alone what will or won't happen in the bedroom. I think you both should lay your sexual cards on the table and decide what's important enough to negotiate about.
Don't assume your guy has been lying though, simply because of this incident! I think sometimes, we women overthink things and make problems where there are none.
Communication is the only way to make sure that BOTH your needs are met satisfactorarily.
Based on what you wrote, I don't think there is any indication that he lied to you initially. Unless he has lied to you in the past, sounds like you are bringing your own past issues to the table here. Doesn't seem like you have any reason not to trust him, just enjoy that it's not going to be as vanilla as you once thought.
Thanks everyone, so far.
Yes, I will talk to him, and well, I just want to STRESS that when we do talk about sex, his answers to me asking him what he likes, is ALWAYS "I don't konw". I ask him what he's liked with his X's that he knows he just likes in general, his answer, "I don't know". He's so uncomfortable talking about any of it. And (kat), I highly doubt he feels guilty as he said all of this a long time ago. I just never brought it up again, because he flat out stated he isn't into any of that anal play or sex stuff. And since that's the ONLY thing he ever said, I took him seriously.
"Communication is the only way to make sure that BOTH your needs are met satisfactorarily."
This part, I'm so frustrated on. ONly because I'm very open about myself sexually. I mean, I don't talk about my past, but will talk about what I like, don't like, etc. And like I said above, his answers are always, "I don't know". I hate that. Bleah.
"People change, as things progress in a relationship they tend to get more comfortable and want to try kinkier stuff. "
I'm thinking that's what it is. Because emotionally, we have gotten a lot closer in the past 6 months or so. And things have gotten a lot better sexually. I guess, I just wish he'd TALK to me about it more. He acts like he's never had sex and doesn't know what he likes. FRUSTRATING!!! Sorry, me just venting. =)
"I don't think there is any indication that he lied to you initially. Unless he has lied to you in the past, sounds like you are bringing your own past issues to the table here."
Sorry, didn't give the whole story, but yes, he has lied to me before because he doesn't want to "make me mad", "make waves", "hurt me with his past", etc. He avoids conflict. And in doing so, he justifies his own white lies. That bugs me. But yes, we ARE working on that part. And so, when he says, "I don't know", I know for
"I think you're overthinking it. Interests come and go a little, ya know?"
That is VERY true. As I said, I'm not complaining per se about the act. I guess I'm just whining more about him being so uncommunicative. AND the fact that it's changed like that so fast. I mean, it's like he's not into it and wont' EVER go near me in that area for 2 years and BAM, he wants to now shove his finger in there to get me off? I guess I'm just wondering, "what the heck is going on".
And since he doesn't "talk" to me about sex, what we do, what he wants, etc. I'm just tired of bringing things up. And well, yes, it bothers me enough that I need to bring it up. I guess, I'm just tired of "initiating" tlaking...we could've avoided ALL of this if he had only been more "open" about his talking.
He could've easily said, "no, i haven't done it, but i MAY be open to it one day". THEN it wouldn't have shocked me. But because he flat out said touching, exploring, etc in that area is not something he wants/needs/or is into, it threw me off. And to be honest. It bothers me.
overthinking, probably. but as I remind my bf. If I don't think for US, we'll get nowhere.
First of all, don't worry about the M.O. change. It is normal. I have been there before. LOL
Second of all. Did you think even for one minute that maybe he wants to please you so badly, because he is in love with you, and wants to make you happy?? This has something to do with some of the posts I have made here recently. A guy will do that, if he knows his girls wants something that he isn't interested in, and she makes comment about it, he will just do it. He may find thast he enjoys it, or he may not, but he will give it his best boyscout effort.
Third. It is not good to question him on it at all. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. A lot of things are going to change in your sex life with this man in the near future. He pushed himself past a boundary, and if he is anything like me, or many males I know, he will continue to push. He wants to please you, in every way. And his desire to make you happy, over rides, and heavily out weighs his aversion to what he is doing. I know that if my SO asked me to do something I was not interested in, I would try it, but I wouldn't tell her I was going to, just to get the rush out of her when I finally did it. So, no worries. Have fun. It all sounds excellent to me.
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