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| Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:43am |
I am 35 years old, I tell everyone that I am 45, my logic is that when I am actually 45 everyone will think that I am 55 and the compliments will be coming like crazy! LOL!
I have two beautiful daughters (14 and 9) who are my whole world. I don't know what I would do without them!
I was born and raised in VA but I now live in WA state, which is where my husband is from. Well, both of them. My first husband was from here, and through him I met my second husband. That is to say, I would never have been in WA state if it had not been for my first husband and therefore...you get the idea.
So,I am married. Yeah, okay, therein lies my problem...
We have been married for going on 10 years this July 4th. The problem is, I don't want to have sex with HIM. I mean, I want to have sex, and I have had sex (we were separated for about a year and I was with someone else) but I don't want to have sex with him. Before we separated the sex was good, sometimes it was great, but now, I just can't seem to muster up any desire for him. He doesn't exactly DO anything that would be considered sexually arousing either. We have not had sex for three years now. Yes, I said THREE YEARS. He has never been the one to initiate sex, that was always MY job, and now I just don't want to have sex with him (okay, sex with him got to be a bit ROUTINE. Nothing new and exciting. I guess the fact is that I know that if we were to have sex, good or not, it would only last about 15 minutes, he'd GENTLY fondle my breasts for a minute, thrust a couple of times and it would be over. I want...more). So, what am I supposed to do? I just don't see the point in going to all the 'trouble' of having sex when I am not going to really get what I want out of it.
If anyone out there has any helpful ideas, let me know! No, I have talked to him ENDLESSLY and he is not going to change. Matter of fact he just turns up that country song about "she changed her mind when she couldn't change me." I am changing my mind all right...just not the way he thinks I will!

Are there other problems in your marriage besides in the bedroom.
Have to completely agree with Tish. Your problems are not in the bedroom. Your problems are outside the bedroom, and they need to be addressed. You are both having a difficult time with intimacy on a level that is much deeper than sex. Sex is a "canary in a Coalmine"...it is often an indicator of problems, not usually the problem itself. You mentioned that he was kind of "Wam-Bam" guy these days, but you also said that sex was good before the split. What has changed? Most likely, neither of you feels emotionally safe with the other. Basically, you have physically put the marriage together, but emotionally you are still seperated. You need to heal that first. You need to be able to look into each other's eyes again and "see" the other...truly see them. And that means being vulnerable and open about your feelings, without blaming the other. It usually takes outside help, referee (counselor) to help with this and to help keep you on track as to what is real and what is your own 'junk'.
Focus ont he relationship and the sex will take care of itself.
Good luck and much love to you.
Scott.