Hey Jeep! My Counselor said....
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| Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:32pm |
The biggest surprise for me and my wife during our counseling was the fact that we had to "learn how to receive" just as well as we already mastered how to give. Interesting, huh?
She and I were the absolute CLASSIC example (according to the counselor) of a couple who consistently supressed itself from one another.
We were so certain that (1) everything had to be mutually enjoyed at the same time, (2) it was better to not receive from the other that the one wasn't willing to do--such as oral--which the counselor called the "guilt of fairness" syndrome, and (3) the receiver had to stop the enjoyment as to not over-indulge on the pleasure being given.
(Please note that this is counseling provided to the Para's and NOT intended to suggest that all else should do things this way, so take the info as you please) So...the counselor 'trained' us to:
1) STOP feeling guilty for enjoying something. If the giver is still giving, then don't ever stop enjoying it until either its enough or until you can't handle anymore OR if you'd like to save whatever energy/breath/etc. you have left for something mutual, such as intercourse. By doing things this way, she & I learned to stop worrying about pushing beyond one's limit or even time limit. YES its elementary thinking, but sometimes she & I naturally need reminding or retuning on things anyway. LOL!
2) Nothing is ever going to be fair, so don't bother and just enjoy! LOL!! Wifey hit me with fellatio LONG time ago before I even considered cunnilingus her. Now that is not an issue and according to her "bursts" I'm REALLY doing her right too...WHOO! Anyway, if its been a while since I went down on her or even gave her a backrub, but she feels like pleasing me more often those ways anyway, then my orders were to shut up and enjoy! SSSSTOP feeling guilty about when its my turn to do something or how often so I can catch up, etc. If our relationship is truly secure and based on TRUST, then I shouldn't EVER have to worry about feeling guilty and Mrs. Para shouldn't ever have to worry about whether or not I'm being selfish, just enjoy and do what I feel like doing whenever I am actually ready. If I return a gift out of guilt, then I blew it. THIS is about te trusting relationship, so enjoy it or be the same old same old before coming to counseling in the first place.
Whew, this lady had a knack for verbal spankings...I tell ya. LOL!
3) Finally, sigh, learning to receive involves letting go and being completely selfish. Just because receiving "the right way" means being selfish...(pause)...
...remember, these are the words the counselor used to get through to our thick skulls, lol...
...DOESN'T mean that you can't also appreciate it. This again goes back to TRUSTING each other to both KNOW and REMEMBER that you both know these things. The receiver should NEVER have to worry about whether or not the giver knows the pleasure is appreciated because quite frankly the giver should never have to worry about whether or not the receiver appreciates it in the first place. If you can't trust each other in a secure relationship to already know and feel these things, then nothing in this counseling session will work anyway. ALLOW open communication and DO NOT take exception to anything said. If the giver says thats enough, then the receiver is not to feel guilty about, "Whoops, did I push it too far?" Just appreciate it and DO NOT feel obligated to return anything until you are ready...BECAUSE...the giver, as of this session, is now ordered to expect 'nothing' in return for it. It is either a one-sided gift, or it truly isn't. If it isn't going to be, don't bother; if it is, then do what I say! You're paying good money for this! The trust you have actually keeps you from thinking, anymore, about whether or not you "should" do something. "Should" no longer has a place in your gift. If you're doing something mutual, such as 69 or intercourse, then thats for a different session, but when you're choosing to please one another, we have just set your communication and established your trust, so have fun!
Okay, so this lady was the type that if she were a doctor, she'd be the one to spank babies. RAOFL!! Anyway, Mrs. Para & I took that step a little further. We decided to trust each other to discuss fantasies, even if it meant a little embarrassment and also the possibility of refusal. We really didn't seem to have any inhibitions other than we both aren't into anything anal or bondage-wise or too far into "items" sorta speak. So we discovered that we're actually more compatible than we thought. At times we would ask if one were "willing to try" something here or there, even though it was clear that it wasn't liked . Sometimes yes, sometimes no...but the important thing was we "allowed" that communication anyway and trusted each other to not feel pressured by it NOR guilty for asking. I'm not a mind reader, so if she were in the mood for something that I didn't feel for back whenever, then I'd be offended that she didn't trust me enough to ask me to be the one to satisfy her. When it comes to something that we declared off limits, then THAT is never asked. Learning what bothers us about 'off limits' stuff helps us learn more about each other too, so we don't mind talking about it without feeling pressured, but hopefully that isn't so rare among relationships.
Now honestly, jeep, I think I still view some of the comments by others, including Free, to still be a bit different from the views that the Mrs. & I have. Others seem to be so incredibly cautious about not pushing and not bringing anything up again because its THEN called pressure...but I think that still depends on which relationship and is not the same for ALL. I view doing something completely for the other as a gift, and because of the way my marriage was 'trained' for sex, if you will, I don't view things as being a "sacrifice" to suppress my own needs for the sake of keeping the Mrs. from giving. If I'm not ready to give, even after we've talked about it certain times, then its not a gift from her when she says "okay, don't do it." LOL!! Just because I chose not to give my employee a raise doesn't mean my employee sacrificed for me my sacrifice would be had I given the raise. I personally see that as WAAAAY different. Thats just an example of how I see things differently than others may. So anyway, I wouldn't say that I had the same points as others across the spectrum of points, but I do see how you viewed that. Thanks for the kind words, nice of ya.

Anyway, I just wanted to clarify...I wasn't getting any idea about 'you' at all, but I was describing to you the difference I personally see in how the Mrs. & I view married sex (because of the counselor) and the view that other posters have. You felt that my points were to as some of the other posters' that you've read, so I just wanted to detail the differences that I was pointing out from what 'they' were pointing.
{Maybe} someone could benefit from what our counselor helped us with, but it'd take some reading...lol...what're the odds? ;)
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