Turn ons and Fantasies

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Turn ons and Fantasies
16
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:21pm
My GF and I have a wonderful sex life. At times, it does get somewhat hard for me cause at times I feel she doesn't desire me as much as she use to or think about being intimate as much as before. Since, I'm in love with her (for four wonderful years), and I want to be a wonderful lover, I have talked to her many times about what turns her on, and what her fantasies are. The answer I get is she doesn't have any fantasies about us or about sex, and she doesn't know what turns her on. We are both in our late 20s and I find it somewhat unbelievable that she doesn't have fantasies and doesn't know what turns her on. At times, this bothers me because I feel I always have to initiate sex and ask her, in a polite manner, to do things. Also, I try and be creative and talk to her about scenarios we could try or games we might play, etc. Now, I'm not pushy or anything like that, and I don't treat her like an object, she has even told me that. But, in the beginning of our relationship she use to initiate sex all the time and was very open to what she likes. Now, since I don't want our sex life to be routine, I have asked her about things she likes that turn her on, or if she fantasizes about sex. Has anyone ever heard anything like this before and how can we solve this? Sometimes I think that she needs to get in touch with her sexual side because we are all sexual beings. Right?

-Utah

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 6:00pm
I think sexual slumps are normal and we all go through them at some point, so more than likely, this will resolve on it's own.

BUT why not invest in some written erotica and start reading to one another each night? IF she's thinking about sex more, she will probably be more interested in acting out some of what she's hearing and reading. This has helped my DH and I in our 28 yrs. together.

Sometimes, you just need to take the pressure off, and start priming the pump again....the "pump" being her mind. Women need to FEEL sexy before they act sexy. And the best way to encourage your GF to reconnect with her sexuality is aurally. We women respond to what we hear.

Think about how much you "wooed" (is that word even used anymore?) her in the beginning and how she responded and start doing that again.


Edited 5/25/2004 6:02 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

Avatar for imblushing
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 6:07pm

>>>I think that she needs to get in touch with her sexual side because we are all sexual beings. Right?


Wrong!


Sharon

A friend is the person who kn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:42am
Ok, I want to clear some things up here, since that when I wrote my previous post, I was in a hurry. I don't constantly push her to fulfill my fantasies or anything like that. We have our entire lives to do that. My question is that I have asked her more than once if she had any fantasies like places to make love or whatever. Also, I asked her what turns her on and she says she doesn't have fantasies and doesn't know what turns her on. That's my question. I guess, I just assumed everyone has fantasies and knows what turns them on. I don't push her in any way to fulfill my fantasies, I just ask her what hers are so maybe I can fulfill one of hers or at least know what turns her on. I do however, like the idea of reading to each other in bed. That does sound relaxing. Also, who cares if I'm in my 20s and looking to make things better sexually. There isn't anything wrong with being creative and who's to say that later on in our lives together, we will not have anything else to try. It's fun being creative and experimenting to find out what we both enjoy. I'm not going to be less creative later in my life than as of right now. I guess, I don't understand what was meant by that from reading the other posts. So, that's my question. How can someone not know what turns them on or not have fantasies, I guess. No one is the same and that is true. She doesn't think about sex as much as I do, but I still think if the shoes on the other foot, I would still have some fantasies or at least know what turns me on. I guess, we just need to discover what does turn her on and just plain love each other in every aspect of a loving and healthy relationship.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:55am
While it's possible that she really doesn't have any fantasies, more than likely she just doesn't want to share them (fear of judgement or criticism, maybe?)or believes some thoughts are private and should be kept that way. Everyone's personal boundaries and need for space are different. So, you can't FORCE her to be as open and inclusive as you are about yours. You'll just have to respect that. Maybe through reading erotica in bed together though, she'll develop some.

The hardest thing to do in any relationship, is to allow your partner to be themselves and not try to change them, ever so slightly, to be more like you. Change only occurs when your partner decides to compromise for the benefit of the relationship. In this case, that can go both ways, can't it?




Edited 5/26/2004 11:59 am ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:31pm
This is true. I have a problem sharing fantasies with my SO. She does with me as well. It is not something I really care to share, for at times I feel like it will be to much for her to hear, they are to open for her, or whatever. It all adds up and so I keep my mouth shut. My SO on the other hand says she just doesn't feel the need to fantisies. So, I have no choice but to believe her. If I thought otherwise, I might have to push a little(LOL) to get the answers, but I would eventually get them, and we could try some out.
Avatar for imblushing
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:49pm

Sorry, If I wasn't clear originally, but I don't think you fully comprenhended my reply.


Sharon

A friend is the person who kn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:01pm
How many women on this board enjoy sharing their fantasies with their SOs? I know I don't like to share mine but absolutely love it when my husband shares his. How is that for a double standard, lol. I don't like to share my fantasies because unless it is also his fantasy, he generally isn't interested. Threre is nothing worse than putting yourself out there and then receiving something inane like...that's nice. Or to receive rejection with something like...you've got to be kidding. Both of which I have received. Least he hasn't ever said...eeewwww, lol. Although I don't like sharing fantasies, I will share what is turning me on. There is something safer about disclosing what I'm finding exciting in what we are doing.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:46pm
Point taken. The last thing that I want is to become a gimic lover. What I want is to be the best. I want to know everything, what turns her on, her fantasies, etc. I'm not saying I want to fulfill every fantasy. I know constantly talking about it only makes things worse, so to say. I just want her to feel secure enough to open up to me in every aspect of our relationship including sex. It's not like that's all I want to do is games, and act out fantasies. It's hard to explain, but I want to know what turns her on, etc. I do understand that not everyone has fantasies and that it is truly hard to tell someone, even when that person is someone you totally trust, your deepest and darkest secrets. That is totally fine, and if she is ever ready to tell me what she desires, then that's wonderful. Thanks for helping me see that badgering her about this subject isn't the right way to go about things. I just assumed everyone has fantasies and everyone knows what turns them on. It isn't about what I want...

Well just reading what I've said, it is. Amazing! I see that I want to be the best she has ever had. And by badgering her about this, doesn't make things easier for her to open up to me about this subject. Basically, I do need to give her a 'just her night'. A night where it is all about her. No gimics, no games, just wonderful and passionate love. Cuddling, kissing, just show her exactly how much she really means to me. Thanks for helping me understand and see where I was going wrong with this entire situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:17pm
My hubby and I are the same way. It is mainly "his" fantasy that he tells "me" about. And that works out good for us. That's just the way he his and the way I am. Although I will get things going as well. For instance, this past Sunday, I went out to my sisters' and spent the day with her. On the drive home, I called R up to let him know I was on my way home and the first thing I asked him was if he missed me. He said, of course. Then I told him that I bet his ---- missed me too. He loves when I do that. That opens up the convo right into phone sex for him. By the time I got home, I couldn't wait to see him. My daughter had friends over so we couldn't do anything until we went to bed. But what a session it was!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:50pm
utah...i was married many years and had a very fulfilling and exciting sexlife with my husband and you know what?...i never shared a fantasy with him....fact is i don't have the kinds of fantasies many guys would hope us females do...i don't fantasize having sex in odd places or weird positions...i don't fantasize about movie stars or the neighbor down the block....personally, when i have sexz i get lost in the moment, i love to get swept away by our love making, to move as one and give and receive pleasure...i don't wanna roleplay during sex, i don't want to play games...i want to be sensuous and loving and sexy and playful and creative but i don't wanna be all about fantasy when i'm in bed with my man...i don't bother with fantasies during sex...while i masturbate i have fantasies but they are personal and i am not sharing them with anyone...i don't think of those fantasies during sex anyway, so why bother sharing them with my man?...and its hard for me to describe what turns me on....i am turned on by the way my man takes my hand when we cross the street, it gives me butterflys when he pushes the hair out of my face while talking about our day during dinner, i get goosebumps when he calls for no reason and i hear a smile in his voice for me, my knees get weak when he breathes in the scent of my hair when he hugs me hello or goodbye....as for turn ons that bring me to orgasm?...i express myself by moaning and curling my body up to his, there is no need for me to describe in detail to him what turns me on, that seems boring to me.

i actually would find it a turn off to have my man question me about what turns me on, can't he tell i'm pleased by him when we make love i'd feel?...i'd be turned off to have him question what are my fantasys, i am quite sure they would not turn him on and besides which they are mine alone and i only fantasize during masturbation so he need not know.

just my $.02.

honey

    

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