Both virgins--erection problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Both virgins--erection problems
7
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:45pm
I've been dating my boyfriend for two months. He's 28, I'm 24 and we are both virgins (neither of us had had any genital contact in a relationship before). We've experimented with manual and oral stimulation with pretty good results--we believe that practice makes perfect. :)

Tuesday night, I told him I'd been thinking about intercourse, and I was ready. We had a long discussion about it (we were both raised by strictly religious, abstinence-til-marriage homes). So last night, after about an hour of foreplay (kissing, manual, oral, during which I'd already orgasmed a couple of times), I told him I wanted to have sex. We tried for the next hour or so, but no matter what we did, he couldn't keep an erection long enough to do it. Once he got hard enough to put on a condom, but as soon as he was about to enter me, he lost it again. He was able to masturbate himself to orgasm then, but I guess he didn't really get hard enough for intercourse.

I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not. This happened the first time I masturbated him and the first time I fellated him, too--he was so nervous that he kept losing his erection. I'm hoping that's all it us--performance anxiety and nervousness. I know he can get really hard and I've seen him masturbate and I've fellated him to orgasm more than once. So, I don't think it's a physical thing.

Since we're both inexperienced, I'm not sure what to say to him when this kind of thing happens. I've tried to reassure him, telling him I'll help any way he wants me to, continuing to kiss and fondle him even when he goes soft. But I'm scared that I'm making him feel worse--any recommendations on what to say and how to act to let him know that I still think he's wonderful and sexy? Because once he starts worrying, that sure doesn't help. We're going to try again on Friday night--what can I do to help him relax, to not worry, so that we can (hopefully) have sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:51pm
Yikes
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 8:43pm
You two are both too nervous about the whole thing. RELAX. I think he may have some idea that this is a awful thing to be doing. Maybe he feels shameful about sex. I was raised like that too, but I figured out the sex is wonderful with the right person. You could tell him to masterbate the morning of the day that you are planning to have sex. I could be that he is just comfortable with the whole foreplay and not so comfortable with the whole IC.

The best thing to do if he goes soft is to not make a big issue of it. Just say "yeah I need a break too. That was great honey. Wow you really got my heart going with fill in the blank." and lay off for like an hour. It sounds to me like he is too nervous, and now he knows that you expect it from him he will be even more nervous.

On friday dont go with the attitude like " we are going to have sex or at least try to" dont plan it like that just go with the moment.

He might be nervous abotu the condom too. Make sure that you both know how to put it on and use it. make it as sexy as you can. help him put it on.

let me know how it goes.

jaime
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 8:48pm
It does sound like church vs sexual intercourse; mental games going thru your guys brain.

IMO, perform fellatio or manual sex to his penis; DON'T let him ejaculate. Leave him hanging for completion. Eventually, he should want to rip your clothes off. Please keep us informed & Good Luck, Mac

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 8:53pm

Sounds like performance anxiety since he has no problem in other ways.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 9:31pm
This happened to my boyfriend the first few times we tried to make love, and we were both virgins as well. Between nerves and all the fumbling to get the condom on, it just wasn't happening for us. We didn't make a big fuss about it and just kept trying. It worked eventually. Good luck and have fun trying!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 1:12am
Don't make intercourse THE goal. Do what you two normally would do when you're being intimate and when he's ready, he'll go for it. The brain is our main sex organ and if it's not fully engaged or feels pressure, there goes his erection.

Make no plans and set no time for intercourse, allow it to happen as a natural progression from your normal intimacy. And when he knows that YOU have no expectations, he should be fine.

But talk again and make sure that he's absolutely certain that he's ready to go to this level. His body may be trying to tell you both something. IF he's not ready yet, then wait until he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:58am
Thanks, all of you, for your advice. Because of the talks that my BF and I had had before about sex, I assumed (and he kind of told me) that he was just waiting for *my* go-ahead before we went all the way to intercourse. Now I'm beginning to realize that maybe he's not as comfortable with the act as he thought he would be (maybe he didn't realize what his reaction would be either). I think sex had been a fantasy for so many years that when he was finally offered the real thing, it was kind of a shock, and he couldn't get his body and his mind to agree on what to do :) Well, I'm happy to keep cuddling, fondling, and fooling around until we're both ready, physically and mentally, and I hope I can convey that to him in a way that's reassuring.