my man and disrespect

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
my man and disrespect
6
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 7:45am
I've been seeing a guy now for 4 months. He once sent me a link from his online message forum, and I continued to look at his other posts. Over the months, he has posted a good amt about his ex-girlfriend...how she is the best in bed ever, gives the best blowjobs, and one night he got drunk till puking because he got jealous of her and her new bf. He said that he still thought about getting back together with her, couldn't stop thinking about her no matter how many other women he was with, etc. The other guys on there told him they felt sorry for me, his current gf. I told him I saw this post, since has calling me at the same time that night telling me that he needed me. He apologized profusely the next day, telling me he really wanted to be with me, wanted to make up for it, etc. I forgave him. I understand how the ex thing goes...been there myself.

Well, yesterday he looked in my IM message archives on my computer and saw that I had had a small conversation with another guy. Basically, he's been IMing me for over 4 months, and I told him I had a boyfriend, he asked me out for drinks, and I told him that I wouldn't want my bf meeting people, so I would not meet him. He held it in all day that he saw this, and I finally got him to admit to it since he was acting so weird all day. He said he had been through this crap with his ex for over 2 years and didn't want to deal with it again. He has basically zero communication skills. Now I don't know if he's going to break up with me or not.

So, I looked at his message board again this morning, and low and behold, he made another implied comment about his ex. The post was about nympho teachers (his ex is a school psychologist, me a school librarian), and he said that he wasn't allowed to give any details, but that he knows SEVERAL nymphos in the AZ school system, from personal experience, and this was in reply to a guy's post about a teacher that gave him a great blowjob.

What the hell do I do? I can't talk to him...I don't want him to dump me. We really have a great relationship besides these disrespect problems. He travels on his job most of the year, so we don't see each other as much as a normal couple. I feel now like he won't trust me, and I trust him, just hate that he keeps posting about his ex...though he hasn't done it in over a month. Probably did it this time b/c he knew I'd look.

Do you think I should say something? Dump his ass?

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 7:57am
With both of you reading each others supposedly "private" things, I don't think there's trust on either side! Without trust, you don't have much of a relationship.

And, if he says the ex was the "best" at everything, where does that leave you? Second best? And what happens if the "nympho ex" decides she wants to try again? Sounds like you'd be out in a heartbeat! Making statements that he's made, I wouldn't trust him for a minute, particularly if he's "on the road" a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 8:07am

I don't see how you could feel that this is a great relationship.


He gave you a link to a place he posts about how great a lover his ex is and how much he wants to get back with her, how jealous he is of her, etc.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:56pm
This whole thing, with reading each others e-mail or postings, instead of communicating directly sounds extremely immature and not the best foundation for a long term, stable, loving and mutually respectful relationship. It appears that he gave you the link because he wanted you to know that he is not fully invested in your relationship. Why would you put up with this? If I were you I would break it off and tell him to give you a call when he has gotten over his ex and is able to fully engage in a relationship with you. If you don't respect yourself, why should he respect you? Right now he is idealizing his ex instead of realizing there is a reason they are not together, and there is no way you can compete with the idealized version in his head. Move on before this beats your self-esteem up even more and you waste a lot more time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:13pm
First of all, there are archeives of your IM? I never knew you could access those once you close out, wow and how do you retrieve them? (I know that is off the subject, but it is curious to me).

My 2 cents is that you have a direct conversation with him about what he is trying to say or not say, with the messages on the board that he has directed you to look at. Some people can be very passive and do things that say one thing but say another. I try to look at what folks do rather than the words. I'm not saying that I do this well either!

Think about what you want to say or questions you have and approach him with them and get answers! At least you'd know then.

Good luck and keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 2:22pm
I use Yahoo IM...and under tools on the "buddy list" there is a message archives. Saves them for like a week, or so.

When he originally sent me a link to look at on his board, it was not a link to one of his comments about his ex. I can't remember what it was to now, but nothing that would make me upset or be disrespectful. I was the one that saw you could see the other messages, so I looked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:02pm
I see, I use MSN and it doesn't have that, I don't think.

Keep us posted Pam :)