O.K. ladies, a question for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
O.K. ladies, a question for you
26
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:02am
I am having an issue with my SO. I have tried and tried to explain to her that she is not doing anything wrong, but she seems to think that she doesn't know how to please me. Let me try and explain some of the situation. My SO and I have been together for 4 years. We have two children, both girls. We have been living together since the beginning and though we have had several problems, some of them serious, we are still together, and still making things work. Till lately our sex life has been awesome.

About a month and a half ago I had a very bad experience, and I wrote about it here on this board. The women who responded were very nice, and helped me a lot, but didn't really solve anything, as I still feel like I am not enough for her. But that is not the point at hand. Ever since that day, I have had performance problems. I am not able to oprgasm from oral stimulation, and lately that has effected her self esteem. She has started to blame herself. I have tried to give what I thought would be helpful pointers, trying to show her new things that she can do to me to make it work, but I was wrong in all that. It is my problem, as I cannot yet let go. I started focusing to much on prgasm, and then I started going soft on her, while she was orally stimulating me. She is now to a point where she doesn't feel like she does anything right to please me. She seems to think that the last four years she has been doing things wrong. And that is so not true. She has been the best lover I have ever had, and by far the most giving, loving, and wonderful woman. She has always known how to please me. But no matter what I do I cannot tell her this, and have her believe me.

Not only all that, but now it seems like she is so nervous when we start to make love, that I begin to feel like she is not interested, and then I am unable to perform for her. It is a viscious cycle, and I am trying to figure out a way to get out of the circle. When I am pleasing her, she has become very good at showing me that she is enjoying it, and that I am pleasing her. I just want to be able to do the same for her. And I do, most of the time, but she is wrapped up in this whole men don't enjoy it unless they orgasm thing, I think. I have talked to her plenty of times, and her answer is always the same. She needs to learn how to please me again. She feels like she is starting from the bottom, all over again. She said that she thinks I would prefer it if she did things differently, and that she wishes I had not waited for 4 years to show her how to do it right. I get so upset with myself when she tells me things like this, because I feel like I am the one who is caused all this. I feel like I am not being good to her. I know I am the one with the problem, but how do I convince her of this? How do I tell her that she is the one who does everything right, and that my mind is what is stopping me? How do I tell her she is very good to me, and that I need to let go? And lastly, how do I tell her that my pleasure is directly related to her enjoyment of what she is doing to me??? If she is not having a good time with what she is doing than I will never enjoy it. I cannot feel like she is doing anything, JUST FOR ME. It has to be something she enjoys, or it is no deal. What can I do???? Please help me. I am sure with all the combined knowledge on this board, one of you will have some answers for me. I really need the assistance in getting her to understand.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:44am
Jeep, I'm confused. The two of you were on the brink of a threesome this weekend. I can't relate but I do know that if I felt inadequate (whether imagined or real), I wouldn't want a threesome with another woman. What if you had no problems with a strange woman? What if she fellated you to orgasm, or you remained erect while inside of her? I'd tread carefully if I were you.

Does your SO always respond sexually? Doesn't she ever NOT orgasm or NOT get fully aroused? Try and explain it to her in those simpler terms. Make her understand that "thinking" about it, "sabatoges" it. I'm not always at the same level of arousal and I can't predict what level I'm going to live up to, so this only makes sense that she doesn't either. Then just because your arousal is apparent, your anxiety is causing further performance issues. What is so hard to comprehend. She has to understand that taking it personally is CAUSING you to take it personally and until she stops, you won't stop. "Cause and effect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:00am
We weren't really on the brink of a threesome. Just taking the steps towards, i.e. meeting people for it. But that never happened as the teenager was not home to sit the babies, and we did not get a chance to go out at all this weekend. But you are right. We will be taking a serious break from all that, till this is settled. I have tried to tell her all those things that you mentioned. She is convinced otherwise. During the threesome one of our rules is no oral ejaculations. I agreed to it, as I made it obvious I didn't want to have it happen in the MFM, so I will not allow it in the FMF. But that is irrelevant. She seems to think the answer to the problem is so simple, and obvious. I no longer enjoy what she does to me, and that is all there is to it. She has started asking me what I want her to do, and instead of doing what she wants, she will just lay there with her head on my chest, stroking me manually, and ask me to tell her what to do. I am not very good at that, but I tried to show her that what she was doing felt good in my movement, breathing, and vocal expression. It ended up being a total lose, because I eventually had to stop her, because all she was doing was asking me what I wanted, and then started the personal stuff again. How she can't please me anymore, and that she is not good enough, etc. I did not realize how bad this situation was, for if I had, I would have never mentioned the threesome idea, until it was resolved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:36am
Well...Jeep...since she won't change, then you'll have to. You're in control of your erection, not her. If she's doing everything she's always done, then if you allow yourself to "feel" it then it'll work. You're the master of your mind. You can learn to relax again. It seems that both of you have lost trust in yourselves. She in her abilities, and you in yours. You have to learn to trust yourselves again. Perhaps if you learn to overcome she will eventually too. No matter what she does, it's all up to you anyhow. In essence, you're doing exactly what she's doing...and since you can't control her, just control yourself and overcome you're own insecurities. It's always nice if someone backs off to allow you to regain control, but since she's not doing that, you need to. Someone has to.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:40am
Does she know that you post on this board, Jeep? IF not, then ask her to come on and read your post. She'll realize that no one can be convinced of something against their will. IF she doesn't trust that you will be truthful with her about this, there's really nothing you can do except continue to reassure her. This is HER issue.

I don't think that exploring a threesome is going to do much to reassure her that she's enough for you though.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:44am
Double posting!


Edited 6/1/2004 11:57 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:59am
Thanks Kat. Posted twice. LOL You too free. I sent both your responses to her email, so I hope she starts to understand this. I also cut and pasted my OP to her. She is still argueing with me that she must be doing something wrong. But I think you both are right to an extent. It is my problem after all, not hers, and I am in control of my problem, not her. I need to relax, just as much as she does, so maybe I need to start the whole process. I did however ask her to start using Fellatio as a foreplay thing, rather than going for the gusto everytime she does it. I want to learn to enjoy it again, as that is part of my problem. I think to much about it, and that causes me to not enjoy it as much as I would normally. I think that if we move it to a foreplay event, rather than a singular event, it will help eleviate much of the issue, and help me to learn to relax again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:46pm
Has it occurred to you that your "problem" might have something to do with the fact that you decided to make a fantasy into a reality, and the nervousness connected to that? Particularly after reading the post above titled "threesome".

As for her insecurities, that's something she has to deal with, and I doubt very much if a third party will help with that, either.

Here's something that might help her better understand the male sexual response, and particularly the portion about "occasional" impotence.

http://www.calgaryhealthregion.ca/hlthconn/items/sex-male.htm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:02pm
My issue was long before the threesome. It has been an issue for a while. Ever since I found out about something my SO had not been honest about for the entire time we have been together. It had to do with another man, who at the time was my best friend. After that, I had serious performance issues, and for a while arousal issues, in general. So, in order to make this a short post, NO, the threesome had nothing to do with this issue, at all. Those problems in the post were cleared up, within a week. Now there are no worries, and I am willing to do it again, when we are ready.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:04pm

Jeep, have you forgiven her for what ever happened with your friend and forgiven her for not being honest from the beginning?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:25pm
Thanks Tish. I as usual really appreciate your input. I have forgiven her for my friend, as it was not her fault, but it was mine. I allowed her to see him, by not telling her that he was married at the time. I blame myself totally for that one. As far as lying to me about it, I have given it a lot of thought, and I can see her point, but I still disagree with her reason for not telling me. She should have been honest with me from the beginning about him. So, I am out on my own on this. Oh well, life is just what it is, isn't it. LOL And she keeps having pupies.

I have edited for content, as I know this is not the right place ort time for these things to be said.


Edited 6/1/2004 3:35 pm ET ET by jeephead

Pages