begging for some help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
begging for some help!
7
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 6:20pm
Hi,

My boyfriend and I are young (only in our early 20s). We have been going out for a little over half a year. Well, recently I've sensed that he has been having trouble getting aroused for sex. I think it is because we are so used to each other and just do not get as aroused because we already know what to expect. We have been having sex mostly twice a day (on a scheduled basis...we would plan to do it twice), and decided that maybe it is best if we switch to having sex whenever we feel like it instead of making it a scheduled task. However, it still takes him awhile to get aroused (even when I give him oral). It has never taken that long, but continues to grow in length...which makes it less enjoyable for me since my arms begin to kill me after awhile. I really want our sex life to be as great as it first was, and it seems way too early for us to be in a sex rut. We are very serious and plan on staying together forever, but I just don't want this to continue and hurt our relationship. Can anyone please help with any advice? I'd really appreciate it. I really don't know how to solve this. Thanks so much in advance!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 6:51pm
Is there any reason why you can't just take a break from sex for a period of time? Sometimes, that's all it takes to get the spark back in the bedroom again.

But IF he's taking a long time to become aroused, then he's not really in the mood.

Pressure, stress, meds. fatigue, family issues, etc. etc etc. can affect libido, no matter how attracted you are to your partner so maybe a short break is in order.

It's not really realistic to expect sex twice a day forever, even though all new couples go through that "honeymoon phase."

And BTW, age has nothing to do with libido. My DH and I are in our 40's and we still average between 3-6 times a week, depending on our schedules. Whatever works for both of you is what's normal, regardless of your ages. Maybe you're subconsciously trying to live up to some preconceived frequency standard that's unrealistic for him.

In any case, ALL couples have to find a mutually satisfying compromise on frequency because few, if any, come to the relationship with exactly the same sex drive.




Edited 6/3/2004 6:57 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:03pm
Try taking it easy for a while. Don't have a set time as to how many times you're going to do it. Spontaneous sex is the best and its the most satisfying.

I have experienced this before myself. Most of us men will experience it at some point in our lives and whenever you are about to do it you tend to think about the last time and whether you'll be able to 'get it' up this time. This delays it even more. Tell him to try not to think about it if that's what he is doing, even though its not that easy.

Finally, as the last person said...other factors such as stress, work, family etc etc can also affect things. Above all, get him to talk to you so that your are sharing anything that is playing on the mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:14pm
Twice a day for a 6 months straight???? WOW


I consider myself very high libido, but even that would get old after awhile!!

I think waiting til you're in the mood is a really really good idea! :P


Edited 6/3/2004 7:17 pm ET ET by vanillatangerine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 1:11am
You actually SCHEDULE sex twice a day? Can you explain why? Why it needs to be scheduled? Has anyone ever told you that "quality" is much more important than "quantity"?

I can understand his slowness......since he probably feels like a performing monkey...."oh, oh, it's time to perform again....." There is such a thing as being obsessive, or anal retentive when it comes to getting things done.....and he may not be into that kind of obsessiveness...and he's having trouble trying to keep to your schedule.

Wouldn't it be MUCH nicer to have sex 2-3 times a week, like MOST people do, and KNOW that it's because he wants to do it, not because it's on the schedule for 7PM?

In most good relationships.....sex is spontaneous.....it may not happen for several days......and then it happens....and I'm sure the participants enjoy it a LOT more than if they were "scheduled" to do it twice daily.

Why not get rid of that schedule, and tell your b/f that sex is off until he's ready and willing. Let him initiate on his own schedule. Let him feel like a man, not a robot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 1:07pm

I have to also ask, why are you having "planned" sex twice a day.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 12:20pm
When I read your post, I said to myself, "she wants quantity insted of quality", but the green-tea bag as usual beat me to it. If you want sex to become more enjoyable, do it when the desire is at its peak. Scheduling sex twice a day is certainly putting pressure on you BF and that is the reason he is frequently not "up" for the task.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 1:25am
Scheduling sex, huh? I consider myself to have a very high sex drive. Yet times when I know I am going to be with my boyfriend later on, if I even think in my head "I want to get F***** tonight," and when I have every intention to have sex with my boyfriend, I don't get into sex as much when I'm acutally there!!!!!!!

Planning it ruins it. Maybe not for you, but maybe for him.

Try not to have sex with him for about a week. In the meantime, do some research and find a new sex position that you never tried, or buy a fun toy or food that you can use during sex. The main idea is . . . withold sex for a while, and when you finally DO have sex again, do something different.

Best of luck.