Need Encouragement

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Need Encouragement
8
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:15pm
I have been dating a guy for almost 2 years and until 2 months ago i was a virgin. Now that we have started having sex (and vaginal, i've been doing oral and stuff for years), I am totally into it and you might say "addicted." However, like most women who are de-virginized, (lol) I am disappointed. First of all because it has been 2 months and we have sex probably 2x per week and I have only came on two occasions. Most of the time I end up thinking "oh lets just get this over with". We talk about our sex life all the time so that we can improve it, but I just feel like nothing is working.

On a different note, in those two months since we started having sex, my boyfriend has lost his job, moved houses, and just this week is going through filling out applications and stuff for a new job he is starting next week. He has so much going on that I feel like my demanding for more and better sex needs to be taken down a level, but on the other hand I am also starting to feel hopeless about sex. While I do still enjoy it sometimes, I am never very close to coming, and yes we have tried quite a number of things. I'm trying to do research to get ideas for new things to try that could be good for me, but my bf is too preoccupied right now to learn these things for himself. He wasn't a virgin beore he met me so I just assumed he had pleased other girls in the past and would know how to please me too. But it seems that is just not so.

Please someone encourage me because I don't want to lose interest in sex!

Sandra

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
In reply to: s_dawn
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:26pm
Just because he was not a virgin and may have pleased other girls does not mean he will be able to please you right off the bat. Every woman is different and likes different things. Play around with the positions until you find out what works and feels good for you. I know that until I got together with JT, I had never had an orgasm from sex and never knew where my g-spot was. No one else could hit it. As for all that has happened to him, maybe you just need to give him a little space until he finds that comfort level he lost. There is a lot more to a relationship besides sex and if you have been dating for almost 2 years AND only just lost your virginity, you know this. Just give it some time, work a little more at it but wait until he can have the spare time to learn these things as well. You both need to be able to enjoy it, not just one or the other.
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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: s_dawn
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:44pm
Is this a matter of him not lasting long enough or you not getting the stimulation you need, before or during intercourse, to orgasm? You didn't provide much detail about your problem.

I would suggest that you do what works for you. IF you orgasm through oral and manual stimulation, then that's because you're receiving direct clitoral stimulation. So, why not stimulate yourself during intercourse? Or find a position that allows you to stimulate yourself using his pubic bone, as in woman on top?

The vagina isn't rich in nerves or sensation so most of what we feel is pressure. Most women expect more from penetration alone because of what we are exposed to in movies, etc. The truth is that most of our pleasure is derived from what we do to become aroused BEFORE intercourse through foreplay. Without that, intercourse can be disappointing, particularly if that stimulation doesn't continue.

But the bottom line is that YOUR orgasm is your responsibility and all your BF can do is take the guidance you give him. He can only be a great lover to you if you teach him how to be. Doesn't matter that you think he pleased other girls in the past either, since we start over learning to please each new partner.

The frequency issue is one that you'll have to figure out together, just as we all have to do. Talk about it when he's relaxed and receptive and be willing to compromise.

Good luck!


Edited 6/4/2004 3:59 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: s_dawn
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:43pm
Welcome to the wonderful world of intercourse. It's kind of sad that you've held out for so long, obviously thinking that when it happened the earth would move, and it didn't, and it rarely does. Approximately 70% of women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone! As Katmandoo explained, there is very little feeling inside the vagina, with the exception of the "g" spot. What you've been doing up till you started intercourse is where the real sensations are! If you want orgasms during intercourse, then either you, or he, or your postion(s) need to provide clitoral stimulation at the same time.

It's not a question of him "pleasing" you...it's a question of understanding what it's all about, and that is clitoral stimulation. I hope that you don't think that now that you've gone "all the way"....that intercourse is all there is. All the "other stuff" is now foreplay, and it's just as rewarding as intercourse will ever be.

You "assumed" that he'd pleased other women in the past, but experience doesn't equate knowledge, either. Maybe he didn't please the other women. Maybe they were faking and he thought he was pleasing them. Maybe no one ever showed him what he needs to do to help you reach orgasm. He can't give you an orgasm, either. He can only help you have them. Ultimately, no matter how you have them, it's up to you, not him.

Are you saying that if you don't have orgasms, you're going to lose your interest in sex? The point of sex isn't to have orgasms, it's to share love and intimacy....and to take pleasure in ALL the feelings that intimacy evokes. In the end, orgasms don't make sex good.......but good sex will help orgasms to happen.

Right now he's under a lot of stress, and you can't expect him to be concentrating on anything but the problems he's going thru. It's up to you to be considerate and understanding of that. When things settle down, there will be plenty of time to "refine" the situation, and figure out what he can do to help you get there. That's all he can do is "help" you....it's really up to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
In reply to: s_dawn
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 5:56am
greeteabag, are you buckeyejo reincarnated?

And you forgot to add to the OP, you've been doing "oral and stuff for years", but you're dissappointed that the earth doesn't move during intercourse, and you've only been doing it for 2 months. Well??? Hey, here's what happened with my DF and I. 2 months, earth doesn't budge. 4 months, earth starts to rock some, 6 months, earth is definitely quaking. One year, 9.0 on the Richter scale. (results may not be typical)

taoist

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: s_dawn
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 6:32pm
Hi sandra,

It's still so early for you... .trust me, it takes every woman a different amount of time to get the full hang of things...

I know, I know it's not exactly what you need to hear. But it DOES take time - there's not one trick that works for everyone... Some women always experience vaginal orgasms (from g-spot stimulation) others much find positions that rub their clitoris (or have him do it while you guys are having sex)... it differs for everyone.

So let me give you two helpful options maybe -

1) For ultimate g spot stimulation. Lay on a high bed on your back and have your butt at the edge. Have him stand to enter you while he holds your legs up by his shoulders. Brilliant. It hits the g spot, is damn hot looking, AND AND AND if he is not too distracted he can gently rub your clit too

2) when you're on top, have him use his free hand to rub your clitoris (again, he'll have to make sure you're lubricated and be gentle)

But don't get discouraged. Also, don't try to stress about it too much. Not every woman comes every time (let me be bold and say that most women do NOT come every time)... but practice makes perfect.

Good luck hon!!!! Don't get down about it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: s_dawn
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 10:37pm
taoistnovice has the right idea - it takes time for you to know each other, and for you to know what's going to work for you. i don't mean to sound discouraging, but with my first partner, it didn't really click as well as it could have because i didn't know what i needed from him physically.

i can say that with my current bf, we've had some mind-blowing moments because we took time to figure out what worked for us - we're still working on it and its been 3 years now. give him some time for his job/life/etc. to even out and give yourselves a chance to explore what it is that each of you wants in the sac - and the experimenting itself will be quite fun!! :)

and kudos for waiting until you were ready - that in itself means you take sharing yourself seriously and it means the same to him since he waited for you. now give him the chance to help you figure out what you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: s_dawn
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:29am
First off, The earth moves differently for everyone, and for some it takes a while to get it really rocking, for others just a slight touch will do it. It all depends on so many things it boggles the mind. But, now that I have mentioned the mind, that is where your orgasm is going to spring from. Your mind is the most powerful orgasm organ in your body. If your mind is on orgasm the whole time, you may never make it. But if you are in the moment, focused on your pleasure, not the ride at the end, you will have much better luck achieving it. That was my problem for a while. My mind would go directly to my orgasm, and my erection would wain. Then my mind went to my erection deficiency, and it would get softer. Instead, I need to learn still how to focus on my pleasure, and the person I am with, and not my own orgasm. It is hard to think of anything that is not as powerful, pleasurable, and complete as an orgasm while you are progressing towards it, but by focusing on what is happening, what you are doing, and what you are feeling youa re actually promoting your body to get there. The mind produces all the chemicals that make orgasms so Euphoric, and by being in the right mind set, you kick start the production, therefore increasing the odds of actually having one. Your comfort level in general does a lot to hinder or enhance your pleasure as well. Take it easy, relax, and enjoy yourself. There is nothing to stop you from having a great time with sex, other than yourself and your lover.

His current state it seems has put him into a preoccupied mind set. He is so concerned with life in general right now, that I am sure sex becomes a second shelf item. Once things are straightened out in his life, I would bet you it will kick start his libido, and his desire to please you will return. Then your experiences with him will start to sky rocket again. Be patient with him. It is really hard to take life at times, and the when one you need the most is not there for you in everyway, it only makes it that much more complicated, stressful, and depressing. Orgasms do get better with time, and they do get better with your experiences of them. Give yourself a break, him a break, and get reaquanted with the man you love. Hopefully it wont be long now before cloud nine gives you the biggest hug you have ever had, and keeps getting better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
In reply to: s_dawn
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:08pm
Thank you guys soooo much for all your responses. Good news - my SO landed a really great job this week and starts on Monday! So I hope this weekend and next weekend we can have some great celebratory sex!

I also decided that I will take some of your advice as much as possible, and I will also continue doing research with the idea that knowing more will only open our relationship more and make it better. I will start another post on this topic.

Sandra