help! confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
help! confused!
6
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 10:50pm
Hi, I just wanted to see if this seems normal to anyone else or if they have had anything else like it happen to them. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. I am 20 and he is 22. He is the first guy i have ever slept with and our sex life is so-so, not bad but not great. Anyway we have the occassional "dry streak" i guess, where we dont have sex that much but this streak seems to be lasting too long. The last couple of months he has been depressed about school and work and such, and he could change things, but he has been a procrastinator so its almost like he doesnt want to. I give him encouragement and he always says how much he loves me and doesnt know what he would do without me. Lately we dont have sex much. The last couple of months its been maybe once a week. Its been a week now since we have and last week when we tried to, he couldnt cum because he was depressed and not in the mood, even tho he initiated it. Before that, it had been another week or so since we had sex. I initiated it a couple nights ago but he wasnt into it. I asked if it was me cuz he got all upset (he said, what am i supposed to do? yell at my dick?) and he says he gets horny in the morning (but im not around them and live with my parents so i cant be) but not that much later anymore. He says its not me that he just has a low drive right now because things are bothering him but he keeps assuring me its not me. I guess since hes my only experience, I dont know if this is normal or weird? I feel like it has to be me because things in his life arent THAT bad and he could change them if he really wanted to. I tell him to call me in the morning when he is so i could come over for a quickie but he never does? I guess i am insecure and scared that somethings going on and hes scared to tell me. He told me today that he is sad about us not having sex that much anymore as well. Does anyone know what is going on? Is it me or do guys get like this? Thanks for any insight to this problem!

*Confused*
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
In reply to: jhbry
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 7:25am

Is it normal for one's sex life to suffer if they are stressed and depressed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jhbry
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 7:48am
I agree with Yasmin. What seems "simple" to you, isn't that simple to a person that's in a depression. Has he seen a doctor about it? If not, he should. This isn't something "guys" do....it's something people do, if they're depressed.

Some people handle stess, some don't. Since life is full of stress on a daily basis, it has to be handled, or the problems just get worse. If he's procrastinating, then he's not dealing with it.

Whatever his problem is, it's NOT you, and it's not something YOU can deal with. HE has to do it, whatever needs to be done. You can encourage him, you can "be there" for him, but HE's the one who has to fix it.

Your "instinct" about something going on that he's afraid to tell you about MIGHT be true, but until you can get him to talk about it, you won't know. If that's the case, then there's nothing you can do about that, either. It's a sad fact that some relationships don't last. It's also a fact that we all get over it. If he's a chronically depressed person (you DID say that your sex life is just so-so at it's best!) moving on might be the best thing for YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
In reply to: jhbry
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:58am
Thanks for the suggestions! I am not going to bail out of our relationship at this point because if something is going on that is deeper than i realize, I'd rather be there for him because i know not many people are. The missing sex isnt a huge deal to me, its just that i wonder if he has more problems than i know, and that is what worries me. Anyway I guess I will just see where it goes and hope that his problems clear out in time. Thanks.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jhbry
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:50am
Depression that lasts 2 or more weeks is more serious and requires professional diagnosis. We all get depressed or "blue" occasionally but this sounds like more than that.

Encourage him to talk with his dr. and to find out what his options are for dealing with it. He may require medication. This is a chemical problem that no amount of encouragement or willpower can cure though.

Once he's back to his old self, the sexual issues will probably disappear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
In reply to: jhbry
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:48pm

good on you for deciding to stand by him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
In reply to: jhbry
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 7:23pm
Thanks for the responses. I feel that maybe this has become a conversation too focused on depression. He might be blue about things which, by reading this board, i think that stress is the reason for the no-sex attitude. He has an abundance of friends, more than i wish i could ever have, and there is always someone that wants to hang out with him. He is by no means a downer, he is mostly always cheerful and positive except a few days lately. Its just been the past couple of months of not much sex but his attitude hasnt changed at all....he's had a couple bad days, but i seem to have even more bad days than him. If I broke off our relationship at this point, that would be a waste because we've had way worse times than this. This is just a little nuisance that had me bothered but i think its starting to become too much that hes like depressive and needs meds. I dont think that is the case at all but i wanted to thank u all for ur imput. I think he just needs time and motivation. What i meant by i am the only person who understands, is that his parents dont talkto him much about school or work, they just nag him and that shuts him out. Then his friends, half are graduated and the other half must have their stuff done or just dont care because they dont understand when he says he has to hang out with me (none of them have girlfriends) or he has homework or just wants to be alone. They always bug him to come and play video games. Anywho i guess i just have to sit and wait for his head to clear of stress. Thanks again.