friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
friends with benefits
7
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:56pm
I was just wondering what everyone here thought about having a "friend with benefits". I had always thought of it as a bad thing, and somewhat skanky I guess, untill now. I have been casually sleeping with a guy. The thing that makes my situation somewhat unique I guess is that this guy is my ex-boyfriend, and he's the only guy I've ever slept with. We are not back together, we have just been sleeping together.

Has anyone here had an experience with a friends with benefits situation? I guess my major concern is that I will get hurt (eventhough I have talked about that with him). Sex is strongly tied to emotion, at least for me. Yet, we seem to be having a really good time together, and we enjoy each other's company. I certainly don't want our current "relationship" to end. However, I sometimes wonder what would happen if I got asked out by another guy, would I have to end the "benefits" relationship with my ex? I'm not quite sure how this works.

Any experiences or advice are appreaciated. Let me know how any of you have dealt with a casual relationship like this... Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:14pm
I haven't personally but my best friend had a "friend" and i guess she felt everything was ok and would always tell me that it was just them sleeping together nothing more, until he started talking to another girl and then the jealousy reared it's ugly head. there is emotion tied to it even if it's not realized right away but eventually it will come out and then there will probably be a big mess to deal with, IMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:20am
This isn't exactly FWB......be honest with yourself and admit what it really is. It's you, having sex with your ex, because you're trying to prolong the relationship that you HAD! He's taking full advantage of that because he hasn't found anyone new yet, and sex is sex, even if it's someone you have broken up with, and don't really want to have a relationship with.

You're worried about what will happen if you find someone else? How is that going to happen, if you're still all wrapped up in your ex, hoping for more, hoping to keep up a "relationship" that has already ended.

What you REALLY need to worry about is what happens when HE finds someone new! What you have now is what you had before you broke up, only he's free to look around, and do his thing with whomever he wants to. And, since he doesn't want to be with you, (except for sex) he WILL find someone new, and you'll be devastated.

You two broke up, and it's time for you to accept that and get on with your life. "Ex" means it's over, and whether or not you give him sex, he wants it to be over. Let him find someone else to have sex with, and YOU get on with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:29am
First off.....been there done that got the t-shirt....my ex and I broke up and I thought that if we kept sleeping together maybe just maybe he would want me back, and the answer to that was NO....he is getting a peice.. so why have a relationship....second..if you start to date another guy you might wanna break off your sexual relations with your ex....and it might not be a good idea to let on to a new guy that you are sleeping with him still.....I hope you don't think I sound rude, but I will tell you this, it is hard and you might not think that you have feelings and that it is just sex but soon you will relaize that....it is an awful thing to go through....and I wish you all the best and I hope I helped you somewhat.....keep me posted....

jacki

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:57am
I did the same thing with my ex, he was also my first so the breakup was that much more devastating. But then, we skipped school together, just to hang out and ended up having sex. It just went on from there. I started sneaking out again just like I did when we were daitng, just for the sex this time and not to spend time with him like before. My advice to you...stop it now. If it was friends with benefits and he wasn't an ex, that could be different because your "relationship" would still have the potential of growing into something more. But with him, you've been there and done that with the whole BF/GF thing and you obviously broke up for a reason. He is just using you, and maybe you are using him some too, until you find someone else to date without the sex dry spell in between. OH! And if you do start dating someone else, STOP THE FWB!! Otherwise you will be CHEATING! Overall though, I think it would be a good idea to end it now, before jealousy rears it's ugly head when either you or him found someone else. You said it yourself, sex is mixed with emotions. Sex is never JUST SEX. I hope you don't feel like I am lecturing you, it's just my two cents on the subject. Just trying to give you some advice from someone who has been in the same situation. Good luck in what you decide to do!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:01pm
I think everyone has been in a "friends with benefits" situation in their life. Like sweetbutterfly said, sex is never sex, there is always some complication no matter how fun or care free you may feel at the time. I think that because he is your ex-boyfriend it makes it harder on you because you've already been his girlfriend, you know what its like to be the "only girl in his life" and sometimes you probably still feel like that, which is bound to happen. Maybe you need to talk to you ex-boyfriend and decide why you broke up in the first place? I've been in a FWB situation twice, once ended badly and the other time i ended up going out with the guy (who is still my boyfriend).I'm not sure if I helped at all or just kind of babbled...

let me know how it goes

Jenn

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:14pm
Uh, no, I never have. My friends were my FRIENDS and my lovers were my lovers. I don't like blurring the lines that way because it only causes confusion and eventual heartache.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 3:30pm
I ended up in a FWB relationship with an ex-boyfriend also. We had dated and were in a exclusive relationship for 2 years and I wanted to get back together with him and thought that maybe we would if we continued to at least have sex. (So stupid) Like he would change his mind. Well, he didn't. We had great sex and a really nice relationship, but he was not ready for commitment. We broke up, but stayed in contact (bad idea), finally I ended up over his house one late night - I was so horny and had been drinking with my girlfriends. Well, we did the deed and in my desperado, I thought I could handle just having sex with him. WRONG! We ended up having a FWB for about 4 months. I got really hurt in the end. Very few people can do this I think without having any emotions tied. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.