Meeting Men Online???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Meeting Men Online???
10
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:46pm
About two months ago I was bored and had nothing to do so I got on a AOL chatroom. I talked with a few nice guys here and there and some I talked to more than once but nothing I wanted to ever bring to real life, even though they did then I met this one guy and there was something different about the feelings I got from him and the way he talked on AIM.

He asked if he could call me (other guys had before him and I ALWAYS said no) but after a little bit I said "ok, but don't expect much I'm not in the habit of making friends online", and he told me "neither was he so it was unusual for both of us". Frankly, I tried to put him off so many times during that first week, I kept tellng him "I don't do this", "you can't say things like that because you don't know me," "I have no reason to trust" you etc. I was blantantly honest, I mean I wasnt looking for a relationship so I felt I had nothing to lose, and didn't really care.

But our conversations were long and fairly intimate (as far as details about our lives etc.) He is a 20 year old (same age as me) mormon, going into basic training in the Navy in October. I know his full name, his address, and his home phone number. I have spoken (briefly) with his mother, father, and siblings. I know he is what he says he is (either that or he is an EXCELLENT liar). I test him now and then bringing up stories he told me a while back, and he never falters, never forgets, never changes his story. I have no reason to believe he's lying.

We have now been talking almost everday for two months. Most of the time I forget how I met him, he feels like an old friend. I trust him and I have developed feelings for him. We have discussed the possibility of this becoming a relationship and I think thats what I want. We've been talking about meeting for sometime, I live in Northern California and he lives in Oklahoma.

I know he wants to come visit me in August, but I kind of want to meet him before then and am considering flying out there. But when I stop to think it just sounds stupid! I am going to fly 1800 miles to a place I've never been to meet a guy I don't REALLY know! When I put it that way it sounds so stupid, but in my heart I trust him and I would really like to meet him.

So I guess my question is what would you do in my situation...I really have no NEED for a bf right now so I'm not desperate, theres just something about him that seems so right, and I really like him. I don't know what to do. I have voiced my concerns to him and he understands them and is understanding but always tells me I need to make my own decision because he doesn't want to push me into anything.

Sorry so long.

Angel

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 5:37pm
I think it's just as risky to meet someone in a bar or social situation as it is online HOWEVER, being online allows you to be whomever you choose to be for whatever purpose you choose.

It provides an anonymity that allows an unethical person to assume any identity they choose. I am aware of a case where a woman carried on an online relationship for 5 YEARS before she found out that her 20 yr. online "lover" was actually a 35 yr. old married father of two! She knew everything about him but the most important things. He always came up with excuse after excuse as to why they couldn't meet in person. And this girl also believed that she had met his "parents, friends and siblings." It CAN and does happen.

If you do choose to meet this guy, make sure that it's in a safe situation with other people around and minimize your risk as much as you possibly can. He just might be a great guy but take the necessary precautions to protect yourself until you know that for sure!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 6:17pm
What would I do in your situation? Honey, I've BEEN in your situation!

Three years ago I met a guy in a Yahoo chat room. We chatted briefly about a few silly things before having to go our separate ways. He seemed nice enough so I added him to my buddy list. We began having IM conversations that lasted hours. He was always making me laugh and I just enjoyed talking to him so much. I'd made plenty of male friends online but none had ever had me so excited to talk to them every day.

Less than three months later, I went to visit him. We only spent one day together, and agreed to meet as friends. No expectations. Well, the chemistry was there and now we're madly in love and though still separated by distance (around a 15-hour drive), we manage to see each other for a few weeks out of the year. I plan to move to MA to be closer to him as soon as I can afford it.

One thing to keep in mind: at the time, I was 18 and he was almost 20. I didn't travel alone; I was with my parents, and the moment he met me, he met them as well. Not everyone online is a complete psycho, but it doesn't hurt to be careful.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:09pm
Hum. I think the others gave good advice. I personally would never meet someone in real life who I met online. I just wouldn't ever been in chat rooms and talking on the phone with random online strangers. I agree that not everyone is a psycho. I enjoy message boards, but posting on boards and chatting meeting in real life in completely different.

I do know a couple (lesbians) who have been together about 10 years who met online and now have 2 kids together. They are perfect for each other, both totally normal. Both not really into internet chatting etc. Just both happened to be doing it and ending up meeting and feel in love.

Maybe he is a great guy who is who he says he is or maybe he is a 60 year old married woman.

Be super careful. I think you would be more safe having him come to see you for the first time instead of you going to him. You would have your own transportation, be in your comfortable environment, could have a friend with you. Could escape if you needed to, or just thought he was weird and wanted to end it.

If you do go to see him, bring a friend. Best of luck.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:05am
Of the millions and millions of people on line, not ALL of them are weirdos, perverts, or liars. Some of them MUST be decent people. It seems as though you've put him to many tests, and he's passed them all. He is probably ok. But, it's a LOT different seeing them in person than it is writing back and forth, or even talking on the phone. It could even be little things, like he doesn't bathe regularly, or doesn't brush his teeth, that could turn you completely off.

A while back one of the cable stations had a series of programs that followed people who were meeting face to face for the first time. Most of these couples were VERY long distance.....like the US and England, or other places in Europe. Before they met, these people were "in love". MOST of them, in the end, didn't work out. They remained friends, but they realized they were NOT in love. A couple of them, even though their visits were planned for a week, left after a few days!

I think you'd always wonder what might have been if you DON'T meet him. But I wouldn't go there first. It's only a few months, like 8 weeks, till he's willing to come to see you. You need to be on YOUR home turf, so that you know your way around, and you know what's safe, where to meet, etc. See how he fits into YOUR life, with your friends and family. Be safe, have fun, and I hope it works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 7:48am
Angel,

I myself was in a simlar situation... I talk occassionaly online, but never anything to write home about ya know. One day I got an IM from a guy I had matched with on Hot or not. He and I started talking and it was an immediate happiness he gave me. But when I found out that he lived in mississippi I told him that I only talk to people that live close to me ( i live in ohio). Eventually he talked me in to a why not situation.

But let me make a long story short, He and i talked everynight and on memorial weekend I flew out to meet him. Although we were already together before I went out there and I knew i loved him. I flew 1000 miles and it was worth it. As I walked down to the baggage claim, got my bags and turned around there he was.... wow (in my head "am I really seeing him after all this time") I dropped my bags and gave him the biggest hug ever as he whispered that he loved me in my ear.

I would say go for it... What do u really have to lose? You know you trust him, and if all else fails you can get a hotel near the airport and stay there till you are ready to leave. Things will be akward for the first lil bit, but it will be all worth it. I told Will before I came down that if I felt weird i wanted him to take me to a hotel, he agreed.

I think you should consider it, and have fun.

*~* Jenn *~*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 7:55am
Angel,

I didnt read these posts before posting my inital post.

I TOTALLY disagree with what they are saying to you... Yeah, he can be a crazy guy... But whos to say that the guy you met at the coffee house a week ago isnt a married man thats 35. I met a guy at Cup of Joe who in my opinion couldnt be 30... Turns out 35 Married with a kid, obviously I immediately turned him down.

But what I am saying is that anyone you meet can turn out to be someone there not... Look at the craze now, its internet dating sites, thats where everyone is meeting people. I think you should have an open mind, and if you really want to be positive about this guy have him go to wal mart and buy a 20 dollar web cam and communicate via yahoo messenger where he and u can turn on your web cam. Before I met will I asked him to buy one, and we talk on the phone and just look at each other.. Sometimes it sounds weird, but sometimes it feels like Im there with him.

*~* Jenn *~*

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:46pm
I agree with the webcam idea. I recently got a set of two for $40. Kept one and gave the other to my honey. It seems kinda silly at first but it can be A LOT of fun, depending on how you choose to use them... :)
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:59pm
"Yeah, he might be a crazy guy?" Well, doesn't common sense dicatate that you should take the necessary precautions then?

Gossip was the only one to say that she PERSONALLY would not do it. But no one said that it's any riskier than meeting someone in a bar, etc.!

Meeting someone and going somewhere alone with them is risky in ANY circumstance! So, why not be safe and NOT do that until the guy can prove he's trustworthy and sincere?

Yes, have an "open mind" that utilizes common sense so that you don't have to be sorry for it later.


Edited 6/11/2004 1:02 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 1:35pm
My opinion is wait for him. First, August is not that far away. If there's any true connection, then a few months won't harm it. And second, its just safer. Stay in your element, have your friends and family around. That way if you're in a situation you don't like, you don't feel isolated and alone.

Go into this with an open mind on both sides of the issue. Don't expect true love, but be open to a connection. I've only once ever met someone in person that I originally met online. This guy and I happen to be in a chatroom talking about a mutual hobby. We were 1200 miles apart and had no intention of things going beyond friendship. Neither of us were into online or long distance relationships. We talked for over 2 years and we began to develop feelings for each other. We never called it love, but we really cared about one another. So we decided to meet. I just turned it into a vacation. A good friend and I went to the state where he lived. He drove the 2 hours to the town we were staying in and spent half of our trip with us. It was amazing. We had so much fun and the chemistry was amazing. While things never developed into a true relationship (neither of us was willing to do the long distance thing), it was a wonderful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

If you let him come to you (and you are safe about meeting), then worst case scenario, you don't like each other and he goes home. Best case scenario you get along in person even better than online and fall in love. Odds are it'll be somewhere in the middle. But IMO, its worth a shot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 3:40am
Thanks to everyone who responded...I feel a bit better about it now.

Katmandoo...I feel the same way, as far as it really not being too much more risky than meeting guys anywhere...I mean I've had some creepy dates with guys I met in coffee shops etc. And its nice to know someone agrees...if I told my friends the truth and asked them they would flip and never agree with me.

Malice...nice to know that sometimes it really does work out...

Gossip...yeah I NEVER would have thought I would have either...thats just not me and I told him that time and time again, but he wouldn't be put off and in all that time I've just kind of forgotten how I met him, but thanks for giving me another example of when it has worked out...I don't have my hopes up but its nice to know I'm not wasting my time entirely.

Greenteabag...yeah I don't have my hopes up too much, or I'm trying not to. Hadn't caught that TV show but thats amusing...theres nothing they won't make a reality show about anymore is there haha. But yeah the "what if..." is the big thing I'm trying to avoid, I dont want to always wonder.

Jenn...thanks for the encouragement, and the webcams a good idea, due to where he is right now it won't work, but I'll remember it for future reference :-D

Nuclover...again nice to know it can work out all right...and yeah I think I'm probably going to wait, especially since I would fly and if he comes out he'll drive...I can always kick him out if need be (haha) couldn't exactly just run home if I fly out there...

Thanks again everyone!

Angel