3Some

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
3Some
44
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:57pm
I've been happily married to my husband for 4 years and we are together for 7. We are both 26 and are planning to have a baby in the next year or two.

A few years ago my husband brought up the idea of 3some with another girl. Although I was intrigued by the idea of it, I was hesitant and very nervous. Last year for Christmas I figured..WHY NOT. My husband never had any interest to have sex with these girls, he was just interested in sensual and erotic experience of the 3some (kissing, touching, etc...) I felt very comfortable and at ease and so we began exploring our options.

We started out by going to Strip Clubs and he would buy a lap dance for me. One thing led to another and we ended up in a private room with a stripper, making out. The following week we had an amazing experience with an escort.

As the months went by, this suddenly became the sexual fantacy that can now be fullfilled whenenever we wish. Unfortunatley, I was starting to feel very uncomfortable with the idea. My husband was very absorbed in it and he was trying to find a girl for us. He also asked me to talk these girls and see if we would get along. This was so uncomfortable for me.

For some strange reason I was begining to feel less sure of myself and not at all confident. Today, my husband told me that he would like to have a 3some again and I don't know what to do. I am not sure if this is good for a marriage. If anyone has similiar experiences that they can share, I would greatly appreciate it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:34am
Threesomes are always risky and can sometimes make or break a relationship. My advice to you: talk to your husband about it AND don't go through with ANYTHING that you are not comfortable with. Set boundaries and limitations if need be. But most importantly, if you do not feel comfortable with it anymore, then don't do it. That will only make the relationship go sour or cause complications and I am sure that is the last thing you want to do. Some relationships just flat out are not built up for this type of situation and that's ok. Like I said, you take a lot of risks when threesomes are introduced into a relationship and feelings can change very quickly when the fantacy turns into a reality. I think that you may have also been fine with it for the first few times because it was such a rush to be doing something like that and it was new and exciting. But remember what your fist instinct was when he brought this up to you beforehand... <> Fisrt reactions to things are rarely wrong in the end. Just talk to your husband about all of this and get everything out in the open and go from there. If you decide you just don't want to do it anymore, he should respect that and leave it as it is. He married you after all, and just you should still be enough for him, without the third person whatsoever. Good luck and keep us posted.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: lena2028
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:47am
Lena,

Have to agree with Sweetbutterfly. Your instincts are right. Your husband is just caught up in the excitement of the whole thing. It's usually best to indulge this type of fantasy only in the realm of the imagination. You can role play etc., but living the fantasy can be dangerous to the relationship...Especially when one of you is reluctant...that is a red flag and should not be ignored.

Good luck.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 3:20pm
It appears that you had a great time with these too.

>>The following week we had an amazing experience with an escort.<<

What happened to change your mind? Is the hubby getting carried away with it? Is he making you feel less attractive, less sexy? less adequate? Are you beginning to feel uncomfortable with your feelings over it? What happened?

My SO and I have done a MFM, and while it did not go perfectly, it still left us wanting more. She is excited about doing the MFM again, and I am looking forward to doing a FMF. She is apprehensive over bringing a woman in, and so I am talking to her, and trying to figure out where the issue is. If she is going to be happy about another guy, then she needs to at least try another female, but at this point she is unwilling, so there will not be any more threesomes for us at all, and that got her moving. She is thinkig about the FMF more now, and trying to figure her own issues with it out.

If it was fun to you, and you enjoyed the experience, then let go, and have fun. There is no need to over think these things, and that is where to many people go wrong. If you over analyze everything then it will only cause tension and problems. Just my two cents, but if you enjoy it, go for it. Have you ever done a MFM, and if not talk to your hubby about it. If he says NO WAY, then I would cut him off too. But if he allows it, then go for it and have two men. It would be a blast for you, that is for sure, and he may get a better idea about what you go through with the FMF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 5:20pm
I'm just guessing here, but maybe you enjoyed the adventure with the stripper and the escort, because it was so anonymous with them? Because you had no relationship of any kind with them?

The situation your husband wants to pursue now is to have you find a girl that you "get along with" as if this will become your friend and this will be a regular thing. Is that right? Maybe that is the difference and what is bothering you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 7:46pm
I love what you said and it definelty makes sense. This was exactly the type of reply I was looking for ..THANKS :).

My husband has made me feel beautiful and important and I have never felt that after the 3some he would suddenly change his mind about me. If anything, this brough us together so much closer and we have been very open and comfortable with one another. I guess, I started overanalyzing it and instead of talking to him about it, I kept it all to myself. On Saturday we spoke and both decided that, the night we had the 3some was absolutley amazing and there is nothing wrong with doing it again. As I said earlier, this was not about the 3rd person it was always about us.

If your wife enjoyed the MFM, I would defintley recommend doing the FMF. At first, I was trying to figure out if this I would be considered bi or a lesbian and then I realized that I just enjoyed a woman's body and all the labels were insignificant. This was one of the things that I had to resolve in my head. Also, she should feel confident and know that you love her and this is only sex. The other thing that I would recommend is finding a woman that is interested in a 3some w/out being emotionaly attached to the two of you (keep it fantasy).



Again, thanks for the cool reply.!!! Defintley made me feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 7:49pm
Yes, that is exaclty right.

I spoke with my husband about all this on Saturday and we decided that if we are to have a 3some again, we should keep it a fantasy with no attachment to the person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:12pm
I am thrilled to hear that you were able to use the advice, or opinion I left for you. Thanks for the advice in return. My SO and I are not giving up on the idea. We have many issues still in our relationship, and have kind of put the FMF on the back burner. She is all excited still about doing another MFM, but wants to wait for the FMF. I get angry over that right there. If you can do one, what's the difference with the other? Well, It is a woman, and she has to accept that I will be having sex with another woman, right in her face, and she has to be able to let it go, and just have fun. I don't know if we will survive it, if we do it, but that is a risk we are going to take, eventually. I am tired of the double standard she has over things like this, and over so many other aspects of our lives. We talk about it all the time, but little changes. I do not know where our relationship is headed at this point, but I will say that I would like to keep it together, but not at the expense of happiness, fun, excitement, and total love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:33pm
Wow, I may just be weird but I find it very unusual that she would rather do MFM than FMF. I know that my opinion on MFM is totally screwed up because of my past and will never mentally be able to handle a MFM, but even before all that, I would have and will do FMF over MFM any day. If you two ever do find a solution to her having a double standard for everything in your life, you need to pass that advice on my way. EVERYTHING has a double standard in JT's point of view and it drives me CRAZY!! Sorry, just wanted to comment on your post as I really don't know else what to say to the original poster.


Edited 6/15/2004 2:35 pm ET ET by sweetbutterfly36
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:40pm
The answer I have come up with for double standards is to face it. Make it known that you feel that is a double standard, and confront the person with the info. If they can see it, then they are able to rationalize it through, and see there error. If they cannot, then there is little hope for them. My SO does not see her views as being a double standard. She sees them as her preference and dislikes, and because she looks at things that way, she refuses to see my side of things. It is completely infuriating to try and point out the issues when the person you are pointing them out to is blind to there own short comings. But, I think we are making some progress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
In reply to: lena2028
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:21pm
My situation exactly!! And when I try to point things out to him, turn the tables and swap our places, he comes up with some bogus reason and makes it in his favor again! Drives me up the wall. For the most part when I can't get him to see my point of view after a few tries, I just give up and keep my mouth shut. All too often I forgive him when I have done nothing wrong or just don't mention it again to keep the waters calm. But yet if I am the one with the double standard, he jumops all over my case about it and won't let it go until I see where he is coming from. Sometimes, I think he is hopeless. LOL But I love him and my love continues to grow still and that's the important part after all, isn't it?
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