Cheating question

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Cheating question
7
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:36pm
I've been lurking around here a little and see that you are all pretty honest, so I was wondering...Of those of you who are married (or serious relationship), what constitutes "cheating" in your book?

I would NEVER actually do anything physical with another man, but I find myself flirting and getting really turned on by attention from other men.

I've been married now for 7 years and I have 2 kids. My husband is a homebody who is very quiet. I am a talker and miss contact with adults! The little rush I get from flirting makes my relationship with my husband even hotter as I carry my fantasies over to him. I would never tell him this, of course, it would hurt his feelings.

Where does it cross the line for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
In reply to: adaemi
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:52pm
I feel the same way. While JT isn't so much a homebody, he likes to be with me and me only. Anytime I mention going and doing things with my friends, he finds an excuse as to why he doesn't want to go and sometimes why I shouldn't go. But if it is his friends, he's all for it. I have gotten accostumed to going out with my friends by myself, which I find is good because I need to have a life outside of him as well. I enjoy the attention from other adults, male and female. But as far as what crosses the line, with me, anything that JT would get seriously mad at me about if he was around. He has told me that I am a natural flirt and I can't help it...apparently I flirt right in front of him and he has gotten used to it. But hand holding, hugging in more than a hello or goodbye type of way, saying things that I know I shouldn't say, certain body language suggesting that I am available - things of that nature are all cheating in my book being this far into the relationship. Maybe some of them are ok when a relationship is newer and you are not so sure what course the relationship is taking. But just flirting and then bringing those feelings to bed with you SO, as long as you are not constantly fantacizing about other men, IMO, is fine. I say constantly fantacizing about other men because I know some people occasionally fantacize about other men but when it comes to doing this regularly, it is not fair to your SO. I myself have never thougth of anybody else when having sex with JT, but everybody is different. Just my two cents on your situation and I hope I helped at least a little bit.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: adaemi
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:55pm
I'll tell you, it's very weird and funny the way I feel about this. I do not like when another woman flirts with my hubby. That really sends me over the top! He doesn't flirt back, but he is pretty charming in general and lets face it, when a girl flirts, a man's ego soars. If my hubby were to receive a BJ from a hooker, that would bother me also, but I don't consider it cheating. Weird, I know. If he were to take someone else out to dinner and wine and dine them, etc. - that would be cheating. And then, of course, the obvious, if he were to sleep with her - obvious cheating. I don't have to worry about that, thank goodness. R doesn't cheat. And he easily could.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: adaemi
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:44pm
I think flirting CAN be harmless as long as you and the flirtee know that it's not serious. The problem is when your partner doesn't approve or would be hurt by finding out about it. It can also appear disrespectful to your DH if you're doing it at work or with mutual friends, etc.

What if someone told your DH that you were flirting? Would you stop or continue doing it?

And would it bother YOU if you knew he was doing the same thing?

My DH and I agree that flirting innocently with strangers is harmless but in the workplace or with people we both know, it's off limits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: adaemi
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 6:01pm
So do you think that it has to do with "intentions" behind the actions that would make it cheating or not? My intentions are to never put myself in a position to temp myself into acting on stray feelings. I look at it as getting what I emotionally need without nagging him into conversation.

I know you play with fire when you are not very careful. I would never go off with single women because I know how they would be acting, and let's face it, a few drinks and no husband around can make for trouble.

If my husband was flirting at work, I wouldn't be bothered. I would be surprised! Women flirt with him all the time and several come to him with "problems" and advice. I know it pumps him up, and to think that other women pay attention to him makes me proud that he's mine. I'm never jealous.

If he got a blow job from a hooker, I'd be pissed. But I can see where you are coming from...If my husband were having a loving relationship with someone else, that's cheating and unforgivable.

He would say that if I slept with another man it would be worse than having a flirty relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: adaemi
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 7:10pm
I don't know. I don't like other women flirting with my R, that is all I know. We've had a couple doozies - maybe that's why. I thought one girl was going to grope him right there in front of me. I was so upset and pissed! He didn't bring it on at all - she was just being a slut. That was very intentional on her part. I hate when other women act that way.

If he were to get a BJ from a call girl - I know she isn't trying to get my man, she's just looking for money. (Not that he goes out and gets that - in fact, never since we've been married, but probably while we were only dating).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: adaemi
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:37am
The rule with me and my SO is that anything we do with someone else we can't do with each other. If he kisses someone else, he can't kiss me... etc. Flirting is excused becuase neither of us get too into it, though we do flirt. Anything physical, well we can... but I would rahter kiss him than anyone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
In reply to: adaemi
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 2:08am
So, if he kisses somebody else, then you will not kiss him that night or never again?