Tender vs. Rougher Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tender vs. Rougher Sex
12
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:54pm
I had sex for the first time the other day with a guy I've been dating for a while. We connect mentally but sexually, I'm not so sure. Now, I've only had two previous sexual partners and their lovemaking style was gentle and slow, with lots of foreplay and tender kissing and licking, and this is what I like. I used to undress for my exes slowly and they knew how to savor every moment of lovemaking.

This new guy, well, he is rougher. He took my clothes off for me sooner than I could say go and seemed so excited to have sex that he started fingering me and giving me oral sex right away with barely any kissing and carressing, which is what I need to get aroused properly. I told him that I am not used to this kind of lovemaking style and asked him to be more gentle as he seems to have a rough touch with his mouth and hands, but I don't think he understands. The sex was good I must admit because it was very intense and spontaneous, and he is more assertive in bed than my previous boyfriends but the foreplay was too rough and brief for my liking. He also likes to bite playfully, which is not my thing.

How do I train him, so to speak, to make love to me the way I enjoy it without insulting him? I told him it is different that what I am used to and that every woman is different but he said that he was actually trying to be more gentle than he usually is. He's also more experienced and older than my previous lovers. I'm curious to know whether most women find this lovemaking style enjoyable or do most of them enjoy the slow, gentle kind. I would think it is the latter but I may be wrong. Would demonstrating what I like on him be a good idea? Plus, how do I make him calm down when he is around me and not get so excited about getting straight to the sex? I have no problem telling my lovers exactly what I like so that is not the problem. I just don't want to insult him in the process since he seems pretty confident that what he is doing is sure to turn me on. Any help would be appreciated.


Edited 6/16/2004 2:57 pm ET ET by lorlene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:18pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:19pm
haha. Sounds like he was just really horny! Maybe it had been awhile for him and he just dove in. I'll bet that the next few times are softer and slower. (Do you know how long it's been since he last had sex?) If it's not just that, then tell him you like to go slow. Give him a nice gentle touch, take your time on him, show him how you like it and have him return it to you. "Show him" - don't talk about it too much, "show him". Just a thought.

I personally like rough sex - but with an experienced man who knows how to handle my body in just the right way (my hubby does not bite me in any fashion), but I also enjoy soft, gentle sex as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:30pm
Just be blunt with him, yet gentle at the same time. Tell him that you need more tenderness in your lovemaking. Tell him that while rough is good, you prefer gentle loving sex. And make sure to tell him that what he does to you works wonders, but you also want to be treated like a rare jewel. Something precious, that he doesn't want to break. Be easy with your critique, that is for sure, but you also have to be honest. He will respect that more than your compliance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:32pm
I see the benefits of both. I mean I love to be touched and held and caressed, but other times, I want to be (pardon me) F***ed like an animal!!! So it all depends on your mood. If you're used to the gentler side of lovemaking, then tell this guy how to satisfy you. If you don't, he won't know.

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:58pm
Maybe he was just excited and horny. Hopefully, he'll slow down as he gets to know you better.

What was the old song about:

"I want man with slow hands,

I want a man with an easy touch,

I want somebody who will spend some time

not come and go in a heated rush

when it comes to love I want a slow man


Edited 6/16/2004 7:49 pm ET ET by taoistnovice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:36pm
Actually, he has had sex quite often before meeting me but has had no sex since we started dating a few weeks ago. He told me he's a very horny guy which I can tell he is. Oh, don't get me wrong, I like rough sex some of the time but most of the time, I like it gentle and slow. Yeah, I think showing him is the best way. That's what I plan to do and what I did a little bit of this first time we had sex, but I don't think he got a full flavor of it. Maybe he has not been exposed to that kind of lovemaking and will end up liking it. Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:38pm
Yes, good luck with your horny man! I have one of those too! hee-hee! They're quite fun!
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anonymous user
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:45pm
I had the same exact problem once!

I'd tried to tell him a few times, and even tried to show him, but he wasn't understanding what I ment.

Here's what worked for me:

When he started kissing me once I told him to relax and follow my lead. I had him lie on his stomach and gave him a very sensual massage using oil, removing clothing as they got in my way. I took of some of my clothes too so I could press my body to his as I was massaging. When I was finished with his backside (from head to toes) I had him roll over and proceded to massage the front of his body just as slowly and thoughly. When I was finished with the full body massage we were both naked and I let him take over from there. After that we had lots of slow sentual sex and he couldn't get enough of it! He said he didn't know what he was missing out on before I showed him the wonders of sensual sex.

We still had the rough and urgent kind too though and through our relationship I came to really appricate that. It was really great because we both taught each other to appriciate a different kind of sex!

You may have already done something like this, but I just wanted to give you another idea incase whatever you were doing wasn't getting the message through to him.

Let us know how it goes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:58pm
What difference does it make what other women like? The point is that you DON'T like it. I don't understand why you're concerned about "insulting" him. If he's as "experienced" as you say he is, then he must understand that some women like it one way, and other women like it other ways. Don't mistake "experience" for "knowledge".

As for "showing" him......If you preface it with "THIS is what I like", fine. If you just make certain moves, or stop him from doing certain things, are you sure he'll "get it"? Most guys aren't mind readers, and if you want to make a point, then SAY what is bothering you, and make it clear to him. If he's "insulted", then HE has a problem.

You said he hadn't had sex in two weeks? Does that turn a man into an animal? If he jumps all over you, then STOP him, and tell him to slow down. If he can't do that...then there's something wrong with the man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 1:57am
How's your counseling going?

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