my daughter needs help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
my daughter needs help
8
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 2:20pm
I'm not sure if I'm in the right place, but I'll give it a try. It's my daughter. She's 18. She's in trouble. She has sex with different men(some old enough to be her father and even her grandfather) several times a week. She goes out, hitches rides with complete strangers and finds men to have sex with her. She's very open with me about all of it, of which I'm grateful. I have her in therapy, but there's little more that I can do. I'm just about at the end of my own rope. I have no other support(no family or husband). I knew she had low self-esteem and she's very immature for her age, both intellectually and emotionally. Has anyone ever gone through something like this and if so, tell me that there's hope at the end of this tunnel. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 2:39pm

There is always hope.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 2:44pm
Dear lfh,

Your daughter is very young. It's amazing how much she will change and grow. I think the best thing that you are doing right now is getting her into therapy and loving her.

You didn't really say what her background was, but in some way she may be looking for a father, or father figure to love her unconditionally. Sexuality can get all messed up in kids that age because it is such a powerful drive, and girls learn very early that they can get men to say and do just about anything by using sex as a weapon or tool.

So sorry that you have to go through this. Continue to love her and support her unconditionally. Also it really helps to know that this is your daughter's own drama, that you didn't create it...even if you think you did. Let go of trying to control the situation or 'fix' her and you will free up huge amounts of your energy to be there for her. Be gentle with yourself, the hardest thing for a parent to do is to let go, but it also, sometimes is the most healing for both of you.

Often times the hardest things that we face in life are the ones that forge us into the person that we are meant to be.

Love to you both.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:37pm
Thank you for such a quick response. Yes, there is always hope, and right now that is all that I have. She had agreed to go to therapy(after I plead with her and she saw me crying uncontrollably), but she barely goes and when she does, she does not acknowledge anything the therapist says(although she is honest with her). I know that I can't force her to do anything, and I have had her tested, but what good is it, when she's having sex so frequently with so many different partners.

Yes, she was sexually abused by not one, not two, not three, but FOUR men before she reached the age of 10(this has all recently been revealed).

I'm so fearful of her safety that I will do everything in my power to keep the lines of communication open, and that includes not judging her. Thank you for the best wishes. I was hoping that someone else has gone through this and had at least a fair outcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:49pm
Yes, she is very young. She's a little slow(although not mentally challenged). Her umbilicle cord was wrapped around her neck wen she was born causing her to lose oxygen. She's very immature. I hope that she will change, but it doesn't look promising now.

I don't know if she's looking for a father figure or not(she's never met him), but she was molested by four adult men at a very young age which probably skewed her view of men. Love her? I love her more than my own life and I may just lose her(she attempted suicide). Therapy won't help if she doesn't go. I feel as though I'm losing the battle and there's little that I can do but sit by and watch.

I don't think this is about her sex drive or using sex as a weapon or tool. You don't know the half of it. She's not just servicing these men, she's being abused. She comes home with bruises. She tells me they defecate and urinate on her. They pull her hair and rip her anus to shreds and she consents. Her aggression is turning in towards herself. She has fits of rage and screams on the top of her lungs how ugly she is and how much she hates herself and wants to die. I can only sit by and cry with her and hold her and tell her how much I love her. It breaks me.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but blame myself for not recognizing this sooner. I work two jobs now to support us and it's hard doing it on my own. I'm falling apart with worry and hanging so that I don't lose my job. You don't understand. I have to fix her. If I don't I'll lose her and then I lose the only thing I have. Thank you for your kind words.




Edited 8/31/2004 4:51 pm ET ET by lookingforhelp2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 5:34pm
Phew! Have you considered therapy yourself? Just as a way for letting off some steam and helping you cope with all of this. A therapist should be able to help you figure out ways of handling your daughter outside of therapy and will be able to provide someone to talk to.

Obviously your daughter has been badly scarred and damaged by the abuse at a young age and therapy, although slow, is likely the only hope that she has of sorting it all out in her head and healing herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 5:59pm
When I was 15 I was the ultimate hell child. I did all of the things that your daughter is doing now. I know its hard to watch your daughter do all of this but, you can't stop her and you know that deep down inside. Pray that she didn't do this sooner. For about 5 months I dated a married man. I know it was wrong now but then, I didn't care. It was exciting and wonderful. But, now that I have grown up so much and am finally engaged, I am thankful that his wife never found out. I do regret everything that I have done but, it's in the past. I am engaged and we are now trying to become pregnant. All you can do for your daughter is hope that she doesn't continue in this and she learns from her mistakes. I know I did. I hope everything works out with her and I hope that she becomes a better person because of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:18pm

<this sooner.>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:45pm
I feel for you. My stepdaughter, although not going with strangers, has bounced from relationship to relationship (if they can be called that), always with the new partner before the old one has ended. She has lived with 2 men, already been married and divorced, and just had her 3rd child in 3 years.

It has been very hard for all of us, her mom, her dad and I because we all wanted more for her than this. At some point, we needed to unsnare ourselves from her mistakes, take a step back and say "This is not what we would have chosen for her, but this is what she is choosing. She is an adult, she has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences." That is the most absolute, without a doubt, the hardest thing to do when it comes to your child and their wellbeing. It is heartbreaking to watch your child destroy themselves, or at the very least make choices that are going to affect them in negative ways. The one thing I have learned is that you cannot make another adult change. No amount of pleading, begging, tears, threats or promises can do it. They have to recognize the problem (hopefully in time) and make the change themselves. They have to want it to do it. And that is the hardest thing to do - to do nothing.

Perhaps therapy would help her but at her age you cannot force her to go. If she has a family Dr, maybe you can convince her to go for an appt (and you can privately give the doc some background via a phone call before. He/she won't be able to discuss her with you, but they can take the info you give them and use it.) They can at least advise her as an adult, on protecting herself and her health, and maybe do a counseling referral. And you should probably seek counseling yourself, if for no other reason than to have a trained professional that you can talk to and who can advise you on ways to help her or learn to live with her choices without destroying yourself in the meantime.

I wish you the very best of luck from the bottom of my heart. This is tough.