HELP: My relationship and M/M/F 3some

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
HELP: My relationship and M/M/F 3some
2
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 3:01am
Ok this is kind of intricate so please bear with me


I was with my gf for about 6 years ...

I am 24, she is 23. I was her first sexually; and her first "serious" relationship as well.

One thing that has always been difficult for her to deal with was the fact that I was in a serious relationship before her and had regular sex with my ex for years; where she hadn't. Having to cope with that caused some issues over the years... she would often say she wished she had had sex with some one else before me so she could have a mental equivalent etc.

About 4 months ago she finished college and moved back to her home state. She kind of distanced herself from me yet stayed in the relationship and told me she wanted to "take a break" and just not have to answer to me. I triedt o cut her off completely but she still was all over with me lovey dovey stuff; and I do love her dearly ... I guess she just wanted to explore and experience but she knows she loves me. She even mentioned that she is just scared because the next step for us to move together and get engaged etc. and she feels as if she has always had to answer to some one, and she has a kind of anxiety like she doesn't wanna regret never experiencing without me and "getting a divorce" 5 years from now etc. Yet she says when she looks at me she can "see the man she is going to marry" but that is what is endearing to her and likewise scares her at the same time. I have said to her that I was willing to give her space etc; just of course wanted the sanctity of the relationship upheld ( i.e. not being with other people ).. she would reluctantly agree and I found her to be frequently "talking" with other people alot on the "Downlow". Now I know her, she wouldn't have sex with them per say but she was pushing the limits and going beyond the boundaries of what our relationship should be. But in her eyes; she claimed we were taking a "break" ( although, how do I alter the intensity of my love for her so I can accept this? ) so it was "ok" for her to do this now and "get it out of her system". Regardless, I'm not stupid ... I was willing to subject myself to whatever because maybe she needs it and in the end it will be worth it.

Well she started going out on casual dates with a couple of other guys; getting a little physical with them etc. ( kissing, going up her shirt, etc. )

Of course this drove me nuts and we argued and fought all the time about it because to me it didn't make sense ... she would be initiating and very like "I love you and wanna be with you .. in the end!" type of deal. And I'm like how can you be doing this if you love me???

But I know her and she sincerely does ... it's crazy

Basically I think she felt the need to go out and experience a lil and see what else is out there... and she wanted to do this but then be able to come back to me when she is "done" . Regardless the situation sucked!!!


Fast forward like 4 months ... so we've kept it cool with each other despite all the drama and we still meet up, get romantic, are lovey dovey ( when we are not at each others throats ) and of course we still have phenomenal sex ( always have ).

So like; the other night we go out to a strip club and this stripper is all over her. I set it up so we meet up afterwards and we end up taking the stripper home and boom ... we're up in a 3 some. It was WICKED FUN! Actually, it was more like they went at it with each other; I watched and then I participated with only my chic as she did stuff with the other girl.

( this was because it was what she said she was comfortable with and I respect that )

But anyway, after it all ... the 3 some had the freakin WEIRDEST effect on us!

It was kinda like .. we had to be mad open and honest and communicate in order to go through with it without a hitch. I was sure to talk about it before, and during and then after about her concerns and needs as well as mine.

Afterwards we all felt good about it plus; there was some kind of appreciation and compassion that wasn't there before. Maybe from experiencing? I dunno why it was just like we were suddenly closer, more open and honest and things that were recently issues with us were no longer.

It was almost like; suddenly we felt like superman ... like no matter what happens in the physical sense, the love wasn't going any where.. it's entrenched in our hearts ... and we were gonna be together! So we talked about it and we agreed to be "together" right now but not that serious at the moment but we will be come 9 months from now ( when I can move back by her .. she just moved away after her masters ). So I kind of said look, you want autonomy and space .. take that, and still be with me. Infact, take it and I will HELP you experience new things WITH YOU. So ok, now its on some wicked I love you and appreciative stuff. How THE HELL did a 3 some evoke that and seem to "fix" some problems we had before?

It was like before; we were stressing this and that but now .. we get to do it and do it with each other. . in a controlled environment and enjoy seeing each other get off. Kinda awesome...



Ok, so then the next few days she makes mention in passing ( probably a joke ) about "so when we doing 2 guys now?". So I'm like, is that something you'd want?

And I talk on it and really talk it up .. and she is wicked turned on!

She is all for it! She can't wait to do it! LoL

I mean its really making us hot now, I have her say stuff as in what she wants to do on him and call his name, ask her to orgasm on him for me etc. It's to the point where she would be receptive to us grabbing her arbitrarily and doing it to her for an entire night... and even it becoming a habit! I have created a monster.

Am I masochistic in that I would enjoy seeing another guy doing her and her loving it and acknowledging it? I mean I love watching her in the 3rd person period ... from her masturbating, dildos, bathtub faucets etc. and then participating. To me this is a genuine fantasy ... I just wonder if I will regret it later. I don't think so but I am a careful cynic so I am trying to really explore my mind.

It's weird cuz like even though I have these wicked strong feelings and love for the girl; I would get off ridiculously knowing she's being pleasured by another man.

And even though some one would be having sex with my girl at the same time as me, I feel like if I do this with her ...

1.) I get to watch and get a kick out of it and participate, verses her going off some day and doing it alone

2.) if I give her this maybe she wouldn't have to go break up or hurt each other to try it later down the road and

3.) she thinks I'm the greatest / is appreciative for being willing to fulfill her fantasies.

So I'm thinking on having my close best friend do it with me. I figure id rather have some one I trust and can set the parameters for afterwards and during; and that I know could go through with it and then afterwards not be weird.

I think we maybe all could handle it; do it and after be mature like it never happened.

And I think it wouldn't have a negative impact on the relationship, and some positive.

BUT ...

I'm not sure.

Has anyone here had a M/M/F 3some in a serious relationship?

If so can you tell me how it effected the people involved.

think I wanna do it ... I just wanna make sure I got my mind right going into it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:43am
I understand where your GF is coming from and she is not alone in her desire to know more about sex. Some people can be happy with knowing only one person and others allways wonder what they missed. The MMF threesome can work for some people and be a real issue for others. I think if she wants to date others you need to date others also. If you are ment to be together you will come back together in the end. I know this a real mental roller coaster for you.

Best wishes !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:31pm
I can understand how she is feeling. She's only had you, loves you but is really wondering what sex with other people is like. She really feels that she has missed out on something but at the same time, can see that she wants to commit to you at some stage.

I think that you just have to be sure that it's what YOU want. Forget about her for a minute. Forget that she is getting what she wants. She's being very selfish in a way because in a way she is forcing you to go along with this situation because she isn't prepared to break up with you. Because she isn't prepared to make hard decisions or bite the bullet and accept that she will only have good sex with one person (you), she is forcing you into a corner with few options.

Forget that MAYBE this will help you stay together if it works. Do YOU feel comfortable with the situation right now? Do you feel 110% comfortable with her having sex with another guy? How do you feel about the other guy kissing her and ejeculating in her?

I can really only see two solutions to the situation: Either you break up and agree not to contact one another for, say, six months so that she can without guilt go and do what she has to do, and maybe get back together with you after that time. Or you continue the threesome thing - which may break you apart of either of you can't handle the dynamics of the situation.

Sounds like the threesome situation is working for you. Sometimes it does, and a lot of the time it doesn't. You've done a lot of thinking and communicating about it. I'd say go for it if you are OK with it.

However, I DO NOT think that you should involve your best friend, or any of your friends, in this situation in any way. I suggest that you find someone on the internet or through personal ads. I just think that involving a friend that you already have a 'relationship' with is increasing the chances of all your 'relationships' getting complicated or destroyed.

Find a stranger specifically and only for the purpose of a threesome. It's quite normal for rules and bondaries to be set out from the beginning as well. Perhaps you could agree to meet at a Motel or Hotel slightly out of your area for the purpose of having sex. That would help keep that little bit of seperation between your day-to-day lives and friends, and a threesome sex buddy.