how to break it to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
how to break it to him?
11
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:20am
I have been with a guy for about 3 months now, he is 25 and I am 22. We started having sex quite soon after we started going out(about 2 weeks into the relationship). The thing is, I cannot orgasm just thru penetration, only when receiving oral sex or by stimulating the clitoris with a finger...

now, to avoid making him feel bad, I have been faking an orgasm every time. I have not allowed him to give me oral sex yet (he is more than willing) and he isn't much for the fingering. So now I feel like I should tell him that I actually can't cum through intercourse so that we can change things a little bit. But at the same time, he is HUGE on honesty(I am too but I lied about this to not make him feel bad) and I am quite afraid he will be very mad at me for lying to him like that. So I am not sure what to do. I don't want to tell him but at the same time I want to make sex more pleasurable for me as well...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:59am

Explain to him that most women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone without clitoral stimulation or unless he's directly hitting your g-spot.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:09am
Many people tell "white lies" to protect themselves from embarrassment or to protect others from getting hurt. Many men will lie through their teeth and make all kinds of excuses why they don't want to have sex, if they're having erection problems. Would you hold that against him? Of course not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:49am

Why lie in order not to hurt feelings or


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 12:58pm
Oh, I didn't condone it, I wanted to let her know that he'd most likely be understanding, not that anyone "should" lie. Although the lie is believed to be the better route to take by the liar, the truth of the matter is it's not. In the case of ED, a woman may be more hurt and imagine worse things if a man keeps making excuses not to have sex with her. I agree with you that lying is not the best for anyone in the long run, but since you already gave that advice, I didn't see the need to repeat it. Only giving her encouragement that people make mistakes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:47pm
Instead of telling him that you've been lying, or by telling him that you can't orgasm w/out clitoris stimulation, I would just bring up the fact that you would like to add something extra to your sex, and one of the additions would be for you (or him) to touch your clitoris. I also wouldn't tell him that you've been faking either! As far as that goes, if you fake it, he will always think he knows how to make you orgasm, therefore, he will continue to do the same movements as he was doing at the time of your 'orgasm'. And you definately don't want that!

So, for sake of hurting his feelings, I would just sorta start fresh and just say you would like to try something new, then tell him or show him what you would like to 'try'.

Maybe this will work!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:57pm
Tish,

I totally agree with everything you just said. It is something that just happens sometimes, and if both partners trust and understand each other, than they will understand this. Not everybody can be 'perfect' like the people in porno flicks either! It's definately not a perfect situation every time, and as long as both people understand each other (and expect them to just be themselves), there shouldn't be anything to be embarrassed about.

Sometimes my fiancee just can't orgasm while having intercourse. He will make sure I get satisfied (which doesn't always happen!), then I will either finish him off by doing oral (if that's what he wants to do), or I will just 'pay him back' another time.

Sometimes if I'm just not into having sex (cramps, crappy day, etc!), I will just give him oral and make sure he is pleased because I know that he will always take care of me another time. It just goes both ways, and we both totally understand what is going on w/each other because we communicate.


Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:29pm
You are like 80% of women who cannot orgasm from penetration alone. My wife who is a very honest person faked orgasms when we were first married because she felt that she was not like other women and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Finally she confessed and that was the start of my attempts to really satisfy her. While she still and never will orgasm from penetration alone, she has a VERY satisfying sex life filled with explosive orgasms.

You should tell your BF that you are really not having orgasms and you faked them to avoid making him feel bad. He will understand and do all that he can to satisfy you in other ways. But you have to be open and honest from here on as to what your needs are and how he can best satisfy those needs. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 12:22am
Your first mistake was assuming that he'd "feel bad" if you didn't have an orgasm. Hopefully he's knowledgeable about women, and knows that they don't always have orgasms. Some women NEVER have them! And most women are just like you, and they won't have them from intercourse alone....we need clitoral stimulation.

Your second mistake was faking, which you realize now. You have two choices.....be honest, and tell him what you did and why you did it......or figure out some way to introduce clitoral play along with the intercourse.

If it was me, I'd be honest. He'll get over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 1:38am

I've gotta admit, I would find a man lying about ED totally unacceptable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:04am
Amen again, gigi.

I agree with the direct approach more also when it comes to sex talk. Hopefully the men involved are the type that will recognize that it simply is a myth that allll women enjoy orgasms from intercourse and that they (the men) really CAN produce those incredible orgasms in their women but just in other ways.

Sometimes I think its just best to grab some of these men by the ear lobe and drag 'em over to the monitor so they can learn some of this stuff themselves, LOL. I'd like to think they'd be receptive to learn some of these things from actually. ;)

These are great replies here.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

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