No Desire

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
No Desire
4
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:05pm
DH and I have been married for 10 years and have, overall, had a good relationship. We've had a very active sex life which we both enjoy, however for the last few months I have had no desire for sex. I haven't told DH about this, but I'm sure he is starting to wonder what's going on. It's not that I'm not attracted to DH, I just have no desire whatsoever. I don't feel anything toward any other men, I have no desire to masterbate, nothing. I find myself finding reasons to avoid sex with DH. When I do have sex with DH I go into it with the attitude of "let's get this over with." Afterward I have enjoyed myself and in the end I'm glad I did it, but the next day I go back to having no desire. I know there have been previous posts on this subject, but I never paid attention to them because they didn't pertain to me. I am a SAHM to two small children and I know that has something to do with it. By the end of the day I'm am worn out and tired of having the kids hanging on me all day long. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can increase my desire for sex?
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: newtoitall2
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:30pm
I think you've answered your own question.

>>By the end of the day I'm worn out and tired of having the kids hanging on me all day long.<<

Alleviate your tiredness and you will likely solve your problem. You have to get some "me" time so you can get some rest and get in touch with yourself (outside of the mommy role) again. Is it possible to discuss your needs more directly with your husband? Maybe he can take on more household responsibility so you can get some time to regroup or maybe you need to get a sitter to come in more frequently. I think talking things out with your husband will be helpful, then it's not just "your" problem, it's both of your problem and you can work toward a solution together.

Needing down time does not make you a bad parent. Recognizing your needs and making an effort to accomodate them makes you a better parent.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: newtoitall2
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:42pm
I think most women, mothers in particular, can sympathize and relate to your dilemma. I know I can. Sometimes, we become so engrossed in our children/job/other responsibilities that we turn off our sexuality subconsciously. OR we simply stop making time for our selves, in every way. Sex is usually the easiest thing to put on the shelf.

What worked for me was to continue having sex on a regular basis, whether I physically desired it at the time or not. As you said, you're usually glad you did after it's all said and done. And we still need the physical intimacy and affection from our spouse. Not to mention that your DH still has desires and would likely feel rejected if you regularly refused him.

Go back to the basics and start dating again and take some time to be totally alone, at least once a month. I know what turned me on again was thinking of ways to turn my DH on....in other words, taking the emphasis off my lack of desire.

If you need to, explain how you've been feeling to your DH and reassure him that it has nothing to do with him or your sex life and then start working on "flipping that switch" back on by spending more time thinking about sex and planning for your evenings together. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
In reply to: newtoitall2
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 8:47pm
Hi new! I agree with the replies so far and wanted to add a couple of cents too.

Now I don't have answer for you, but I do have an idea for you to think about and even try. Whats worked for me AND my wife is the tantrics that involve sensual massage. We don't have children of our own, yet, but we do have very exhausting schedules regardless. So many times, I get so tired that NOTHING can get me erect...and the Mrs. gets extremely tired herself. Our typical week is very life draining and we don't get to see each other that much either.

So...even when we have no intention to initiate love making, we massage each other anyway, as often as we can. Usually we'll take turns one night or another, whenever we get a chance to be together to do that, lol. These massages at times have become so relaxing and pleasurable, that we at times end up even when we didn't plan to.

For sensual massage techniques that just might work, maybe you could try the advice from Dr. Patti:

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/experts/sexcoach/articles/0,,166919_25676,00.html

Hope the replies are helping.

:)

:)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: newtoitall2
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:35pm
Oh, I hear you! I remember those days, when not only are you physically exhausted but emotionally too. I remember driving to work at 6am with the window down in winter to keep myself awake, and I remember when the slightest touch of DH's felt painful on my skin, almost like every nerve ending was multiplied a thousand times. Sex is nothing more than lost sleep time when you feel like that. Nothing like a little mother exhaustion to kill any sex drive.

I will tell you, it passes. I promise it does. In the meantime, the advice of the others is good. Give yourself time, both time away from *everyone* and couple time with DH. It is not selfish. If you don't nurture yourself, you can't nurture anyone else let alone your marriage. And get some more sleep, whether it means laying down with the kids in the afternoon or going to bed with the dishes undone. If the kids aren't on a regular, earlier bedtime, now is the time to start working on it, so you and he can have an hour or two or uninterrupted adult time in the evening - and not necessarily for sex every night, just adult time. Exercise is also something that will give you more energy, so if you're not doing it now, start, even if it means taking the kids for a walk or leaving DH with them so you can do some aerobics or take a brisk walk yourself. You'll feel a lot better. And saying yes even if you don't feel like it sometimes is still good. It's not always quality but it still keeps that bond going.

And like I said, this too shall pass. It's a hard time in a marriage but if you both understand what is going on and work together on it, you'll get through it.