What do I do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
What do I do????
3
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:26pm
Well- I've been with my boyfriend since last June (officially) we've been together off and on much longer than that. He loves it when I give head... recently, I've become frustrated because he does not reciprocate. He says it's gross (he'll gag) and he's pissed several other women off before because he doesn't do it... at all. Not even a little bit. So now i'm angry, because honestly, I don't like to give head all the time, I do it because he likes it, and it's not too big of a deal for me, but why should I give him head when he doesn't do anything for me? That's not fair. He's also a minute man, so basically, I'm forced to cum quickly and most of the time he finishes before i do. So... I'm not getting any satisfaction in any way! I can't leave him just because I'm not getting head too, i'm a few weeks pregnant with his kid. I do love him, but come on!!!!!!!!! Give me something to work with! I'm so frustrated. Any ideas that we can compromise on???? Thanks!

Randi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:43pm

If he refuses to give you oral there isn't much you can do about it, you can't force him to do it.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:01pm
Well, just because you're pregnant doesn't mean that you MUST stay with him, though. He'll still be the baby's father and financially responsible whether you're with him or not. Resentment and anger can cause a great deal of damage to a relationship, particularly when one partner is unwilling to listen to the others' concerns and feelings with compassion.

And although, this is a solvable and very common problem, you've said that he isn't willing to work on changing his attitude about cunnilingus so I wouldn't count on any kind of compromise. Have you considered a dental dam? He might use that since he wouldn't actually be touching your vulva. Not sure how much pleasure you would get but at least it would be a start.

However, I don't understand why you're still offering fellatio on demand when you feel so resentful and hurt by this rejection?

All you can do is try and help him understand how this makes you feel. Ask him how he would feel if you reacted the same way to his genitalia. Talk about demoralizing and demeaning!

But realistically, you can only lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink. IF talking and asking nicely doesn't help, then get used to no reciprocation and taking care of yourself, unless and until you're willing to give him an ultimatum. I would strongly suggest couples counseling though....sounds like you could use it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:26pm
Hi Randi,

You have gotten great advice here so far.

The position that you are in is not an unusual one. Having said that, it is also a frustrating situation. One thing that may help with your situation though is to shift your thinking on this. The reason that you are upset is because he won't reciprocate with oral sex. You have given and you feel that he should too (for the record, I agree with you); but, you can't make someone do something or like something. Instead of thinking that when you give a BJ that you are giving something, (because when you give something, you should expect nothing in return) think that you are trading for something...or making an exchange. If he will not exchange, don't give the oral, then you will not be dissappointed, because if you think about it, you are really not JUST trying to make him happy, you are trying to make yourself happy too (absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact that is what sex is all about).

Lot's of women don't like giving oral sex, and most of the posters on this board will tell women that if you "don't want to do it...don't do it." The same applies to a man. However, find out what you like that he WILL do and explain to him that as much as you like giving him pleasure, you also need to have it reciprocated. If he wants oral, then you expect (fill in the blank). Also, if as you say he is a "minute man" than make sure that he gives you yours before he gets his...it's only fair, in whatever way works for both of you. My guess is that he is fairly young, as his actions really say "immature lover", and usually men grow out of this.

One other thing to remember too is that the only constant in life is that it changes...all things change and one day you may be on the opposite side of this argument...happens all the time.

Good luck.

Scott.