Friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Friends with benefits
23
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 9:29pm
What do you guys think about freinds with benefits,(no strings attached, good clean fun)? Or having two friends with benefits who both know about eachother and don't care?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 9:46pm

Just my opinion, but I could not do a FWB.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 9:57pm

I'm new to sex, and, so far, I can't say that I would be able to do it just for fun. As much fun as sex is, I like knowing that the person I'm with really appreciates what we are doing. I mean, its such a great feeling to know that you are able to give somebody you care about so much pleasure and also recieve it from that person. And besides, all the touching and kissing makes it so intimate that (atleast for now) I need some emotional attachment during the whole act. I mean, my ex and I would make so much eye contact, and even when I would be giving oral, I loved to look up at him to see his reactions and just to 'connect' more. You know what I just realized? I hope that sex (for me) always involves kissing and cuddling-- I REALLY hope that isnt too much to ask for.....

I honestly wouldnt care if I knew people who were FWB. I mean, if they're having fun- but being SAFE- all the power to 'em!

-sammy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-1998
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 4:07am

<<>>

Sammy,

Honey, I hope that it always does involve kissing and cuddling for you. That certainly isn't too much to ask for. I was married before you were born and as much as I like sex, it still just would not be right without a lot of kissing and cuddling. It is all part of the same ball of wax as far as I am concerned. You can also do it in a lot more places.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:37am

I've never understood the point of sex with no emotional attachment. That reduces it to a kind of "exercise" that can't be fulfilling emotionally. And with out that fulfillment, why bother?

Most women cannot handle it, because women become "attached" to someone they're having sex with.....(in fact, I think that most of them WANT that attachment, and think they'll get it thru sex!) The next thing you know, they're complaining because the guy isn't "there for them", or won't take them out in public. That's not what FWB is..it's sex, a booty call, and nothing more. It also usually turns out to be when HE feels like it, not when you want it. Also, when it's more than one partner, that's just begging for STD's. Not all of them are prevented by condoms, and if they're with you, they're probably with other women, too.

Sex in a relationship is wonderful. Personally, if I'm not in a relationship, sex is the furthest thing from my mind. I'd rather put my efforts into finding a relationship, and having GOOD sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:36am

I know many people in FWB situations and there ARE emotions involved! Friendship alone isn't exactly emotionless. Many young women settle for a FWB relationship with a guy, and it keeps them there in limbo, neither with all the benefits of a relationship and not really looking for anyone else because they've got each other, it's comfortable, it's safe and convenient. And I think too many young women do feel alot for their FWB but are afraid to scare him off and be alone so they settle for what he wants, which is being a handy sex partner.

All of the people I know in a FWB thing are older women, in their 50s and 60s. They aren't looking for a permanent thing, they've raised their families and don't want kids, they are financially secure, and aren't looking for marriage. They are all widowed or divorced. They like their freedom of being able to come and go whenever they want, do just what they want *when* they want, and don't want to answer to anyone. They've all BTDT. But they don't want to be celibate for the rest of their lives either! They are still very sexual human beings and enjoy the comfort and closeness of another body. So they have their 'male friend'. One of my former coworkers and best friends is 59 and she has a FWB. They go out dancing occasionally, they have traveled a few times together, they've spent the night at each other's homes, and they have a very satisfying sex life but they maintain their own homes and lives.

I see nothing wrong with what they're doing. They both know the score, they're not expecting anything more than what they have and they are both content with that. I think it *is* doable, but I also think it's more doable when it's a situation like theirs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 12:56pm

Yes, I posted before on this thread, the woman I'm speaking of is late-50s, separated, very attractive, very sensuous. Perfect target for a booty call.

Her Mr. FWB keeps her in limbo. Its not even comfortable, safe or convenient. He shows up about once in 6 months and expects her to drop everything. She doesn't want to be celibate for the rest of her life, she is still a very sensual human being. She enjoys the comfort and closeness of envelopping another body. So she keeps this one special male friend, unfortunately all they have is the sex. She can't even sleep over in his hotel room.

I have offered her more but ...

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 1:01pm

For me, personally, that arrangement has never and would never be an option. And I have had wonderful male friends who I have loved platonically, all my life, but I've never been sexually attracted to any of them. For me, it would be pointless, since the sex wouldn't be satisfying anyway. It would be like kissing my brother!

I really doubt that most people would be able to sustain this type of FWB for very long since typically,someone almost always becomes possessive and wants more from the other, eventually. And I think that's usually the unspoken agenda for one of the parties involved, if the truth is known.

We know that we begin to bond with those we are intimate with so remaining content with a commitment- free arrangement would become more difficult as that bond grows. Particularly for women.

I have to wonder why someone would choose to be in such an arrangement rather than pursue one with someone they could love. I wonder if it's not an excuse to avoid emotional intimacy.

I do realize that some probably look at it as a temporary alternative to the optimum situation but it could also keep a person from pursuing a more permanent relationship, as well.




Edited 1/23/2005 1:18 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 4:00pm

Just to stick in my two cents:

I have had a friends with benefits relationship. Up to a point. I had my limits and while he was not a virgin (I am), he respected my boundaries. We never had actual intercourse. He was a good friend of mine that I had known for a couple of years. But beyond being friends, we really didn't have that much in common, as far as values, detailed interests, future plans, etc. So neither of us ever wanted more. Which is why it worked out.

However, I have two friends who are doing the FWB thing. Only with no limits. And they have some MAJOR problems with it, because they don't have the same expectations. He is (sadly, because he's really not attracted to her) embarrassed by the fact that they are sleeping together and insists that no one ever finds out. He just wants sex with someone he cares about. She other the other hand is hopelessly in love with him, and always has been. So she keeps hoping that it will someday lead to a relationship. It surprisingly has yet to destroy thier friendship, but she's miserable, hes fine because hes getting what he wants and is completely oblivious to her pain. I mean, in my eyes its her own fault going into the FWB thing hoping for more. You can't do that. You have to have all expectations on the table before hand, or its never gonna work.

There are only two ways a FWB can work out:

1) Neither of you ever want anymore that what you have and you both understand that and you both understand the arrangement could end at anytime because of other people. (this was me and my friend. We messed around for a year, then I got a bf and we stopped, then that ended and I let him know and we started up again...you get the idea.) But whether we were currently friends or FWB never mattered, it was never awkward or uncomfortable and no one ever had any expectations.

2) You both want more and it works out to your advantage and eventually becomes a relationship. But in my eyes this one is risky. If you both want more, why do FWB...why not be bf and gf?

But overall, I don't think there's anything wrong with it so long as you can keep your feelings straight...it relieves sexual tension and distracts you from bad break ups. lol

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 10:08pm

Sounds quite different from the friends I have who have a FWB thing going on.

However, if she wants more but settles for this, she is keeping herself in limbo, not him. SHe's not a victim here, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 10:27pm

I'd like to respond to some posts:

"Many young women settle for a FWB relationship with a guy, and it keeps them there in limbo, neither with all the benefits of a relationship and not really looking for anyone else because they've got each other, it's comfortable, it's safe and convenient." - tally33

And katmandoo about why you would choose to be in a relationship like this )is it avoiding emotional intimacy)..

I was in a very successful FWB relationship for about 6 months. We met on a dating website but realized we would make really good friends but in all honesty, neither one of us was looking for anything serious. We had both gotten out of serious relationship and were casually dating. After being fairly good friends for a few months, we realized how well a FWB relationship would work for us - we both had the same sex drive, we had talked very candidly about our sexual encounters before, so we knew we were compatible.

Like I said, for 6 months it went well. We were still really good friends. We hung out - we would go out for drinks, we would have dinner at each other's houses, we would hug goodbye, but there was no emotional attachment other than that of a good friend. We told each other when we dates with people, I would still be excited for him when he met someone he thought he liked, and vice versa. When I got into a serious relationship, everything but the friendship ended. And we are still good friends to this day.

I think that's the point of a FWB relationship - you don't really want anything more at the time, its all you need at the time, if you can handle the lack of a relationship then it can be a very powerful tool - because I didn't have a lot of pent up sexual energy lol when I starting dating someone I wouldn't have sex right away, I wasn't having casual sex, I was having one sexual relationship with one person.

And I do agree with the poster who said that most women can't handle it. It is hard to detach sex from emotions sometimes.

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