Sexual Difficulties with Boyfriend
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Sexual Difficulties with Boyfriend
| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 5:32pm |
I've been dating this guy, 33, for about 1 year. I'm a bit confused about what is going on w/him so maybe some of you can shed some light.
I know he is very preoccupied with the size of his penis, which is probably below average. I have never said anything to him about it or shown any displeasure in his size. He won't let me touch him (he says manual does nothing for him) and rarely lets me do oral (and when I have, it is very difficult). It's intercourse or nothing and even now, that is dwindling. In the beginning he would always want to do it twice in one day, now I'm lucky if he wants it even once.
We don't see eachother much because of our schedules but when we do it seems he really isn't interested in sex. If we do start fooling around, he'll just want to please me and it seems he relys on that to get him aroused (since he won't let me touch him). But lately, that isn't even getting him turned on. If we're lucky, he'll have an erection but I've noticed that it takes him a long time to orgasm and lately he seems to be losing his erection inside me. Just yesterday we were laying together and messing around. I was on my period so nothing could happen. He did have an erection and put my hand there and I was rubbing him over his flannel pants but within about a minute, he became soft. I can't help but blame myself because I just don't know the sexual history of this guy.
I did say something a few days ago, just asking him if he is attracted to me. I didn't want to get too deep into questions because I don't want to put more pressure on him
I know he is very preoccupied with the size of his penis, which is probably below average. I have never said anything to him about it or shown any displeasure in his size. He won't let me touch him (he says manual does nothing for him) and rarely lets me do oral (and when I have, it is very difficult). It's intercourse or nothing and even now, that is dwindling. In the beginning he would always want to do it twice in one day, now I'm lucky if he wants it even once.
We don't see eachother much because of our schedules but when we do it seems he really isn't interested in sex. If we do start fooling around, he'll just want to please me and it seems he relys on that to get him aroused (since he won't let me touch him). But lately, that isn't even getting him turned on. If we're lucky, he'll have an erection but I've noticed that it takes him a long time to orgasm and lately he seems to be losing his erection inside me. Just yesterday we were laying together and messing around. I was on my period so nothing could happen. He did have an erection and put my hand there and I was rubbing him over his flannel pants but within about a minute, he became soft. I can't help but blame myself because I just don't know the sexual history of this guy.
I did say something a few days ago, just asking him if he is attracted to me. I didn't want to get too deep into questions because I don't want to put more pressure on him

But you HAVE to talk about it. It's the proverbial pink elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. Something's going on with him but until he is willing to open up and discuss it with you, then you can't really be supportive, much less understanding.
No one ever solved a problem by avoiding it. And his could be caused by something simple like stress OR something serious like past emotional or sexual abuse.
Sounds as if he's very controlling in the bedroom, too, which will eventually cause frustration and resentment for you. And if he thinks he's hiding his size by not allowing you to touch it, then he's fooling himself. This restrictiveness must be discussed since it affects your enjoyment of sex. And it is your sex life, too!
It's possible that he's experiencing erectile dysfunction or depression which can cause a lack of interest in sex but the only way to know is to ask him. If you haven't shared much of your sexual historys, after a year together, then it's definitely time.
Good luck and I hope you get some answers!
Edited 1/25/2005 12:58 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
I agree with everything Kat said.
Tish and Kat covered the communication issue.......and I'd like to comment on your reaction to his difficulties.
First, if he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't have been with you for a year. Having or not having erections has nothing to do with a person's feelings for you, or attraction to you. It sounds like he's got some kind of hang-ups about his own sexuality, or his size, or possibly some kind of medical problems. You have NOTHING to blame yourself about. This is a problem that he has, and only he can do something to take care of it,whether it's physical or emotional.
Start that communication going. Since he already has hangups, concentrate on how YOU feel....or what would make you happy, rather than what he's not doing, or the problem he seems to be having. Tell him that you WANT to give him more oral, that you enjoy doing it! (it doesn't matter that it takes forever to finish him.....you don't HAVE to finish him....it's just foreplay!) Tell him that you LIKE touching him, and you want to feel free to do that, just as he should feel free to touch you in any way that he enjoys.
If he has feelings for you, he'll want you to be happy. It also might open up the conversation about what his problems are.
Edited 1/25/2005 12:02 am ET ET by greenteabag
I will talk to him but I wonder what is really going on. Is it hangups about his size, low self esteem or maybe more.
I would say a man that never wants to be touched and never wants to touch his partner and nothing about being touched or touching a women, there is something going on with him.
There's no "normal" or "abnormal" when it comes to sex. This is "normal" for HIM, I guess.
He's very self centered about the whole thing, it seems. He doesn't like something, so it doesn't matter if you do. HE wants you to have an orgasm, so you're supposed to have it "on command" because HE wants it to happen. "Self centered" is the same as "selfish". The only thing that matters to him is what he wants, and what he likes. Your likes, dislikes, and feelings don't enter into it, as far as he's concerned.
In a "normal" relationship, or I guess I should say a "good" relationship, there are TWO people.....and both of those people have feelings, and both of those people care as much about the other person's feelings as they do about their own.
He says he doesn't "get anything out of" being touched, so you're not supposed to touch him. How about if you WANT to touch him? Whether or not he gets anything out of it isn't the point, it's the fact that he doesn't CARE that you want to touch him. So what if he doesn't get anything out of it....you're not HURTING him in any way!
I don't get much out of my nipples being rubbed or sucked. But if my partner loves doing that, then why shouldn't he? It's MY pleasure to give him that pleasure.
As for the "other" women he's been with.....maybe you need to burst his bubble, and inform him that most of them were FAKING.....since it's a known fact that 80% of women do NOT have orgasms from intercourse alone. Men like this don't believe that they can be fooled, but trust me, they CAN, and they often are. You could start pretending to have orgasms tomorrow, and he'd NEVER know the difference. Please DON'T fake it, but be aware that you could, and most of his other partners DID.
Just a word of warning. I don't know where you expect this relationship to go, but if you're not happy with the sex now, it's NOT going to get better, because he doesn't WANT it to get better. If he's insecure, and it sure sounds like he is, that makes him a controller, and eventually, it will come out in other ways besides the sex. Sex isn't all that there is in a relationship, but if it's not mutually satisfying, it will BECOME a major factor in your happiness.
What it all boils down to is that he doesn't care enough about you to consider your feelings, or your pleasure. He only cares about #1, himself. If you examine your relationship, I will BET that he's controlling in other ways, too. Maybe just small things, but as he gets more power over you, it will become bigger things.
You can't make an insecure person secure. That has to come from him. I know, I was married to an insecure man, and it wasn't fun! We've been divorced for almost 20 years, and he STILL tries to control me in some ways. (It doesn't work, and it makes me laugh when he tries it!) Before we were married, I was so "in love" with him, I didn't see how he was already controlling me. After I was divorced, THEN most of my friends told me they could see it all along, even when we were still single.
I've learned the hard way....if you're not happy in a relationship, it's better to get out and have NO relationship. Think about it.
Sounds as if his issues are serious and that makes it even more crucial to discuss what drives his phobias or aversion to touching. As I said above, it's possible that he was molested or abused when he was young. IF he wants to keep you in his life and have a healthy relationship, then he needs to open up and be willing to face these problems.
EVERYONE needs to be touched though...unless they have been conditioned to associate it with a negative feeling or reaction.
Edited 1/25/2005 12:21 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Well, if he wants to share his life with someone, then he'll have to talk about all the things from his past that will also affect his partner. And past abuse definitely would.
As far as his possible guilt goes....my DH and I are Christians, and we indulged in premarital sex with no real guilt or shame. Not what we had planned but we loved one another and found it very difficult to wait until we were married. I think of God as an understanding and forgiving God, not a tyrant who's only concerned about ironclad obedience, which of course, we'd all fail to accomplish anyway. I think slipping up is just a human frailty, if it's not a way of life. So, unless he's confused or conflicted about his beliefs, I doubt that's it. He STILL needs to inform you of that, though.
And as far as men and porn go, my DH has never used porn in all of our 28 yrs. of marriage. He feels it detracts from our relationship and is exploitive. So, there ARE men who refrain from using it for all kinds of reasons. But "all" men don't do anything.
Just don't make assumptions or try to figure this out on your own, talk with him and offer your help and support. That's really all you can do.
Edited 1/25/2005 6:25 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Hey dreamlovrs. I'm in general agreement with what the others have shared.
Your use of the term really does indicate that you simply have not communicated effectively enough with him. HOW you do it is obviously up to you two, for it is YOUR unique relationship and only you two will figure out how to effectively discuss this unless you plan to seek professional counsel...which is NEVER a bad idea IMHO.
I myself use to be pretty much like your gent as you describe him. My issues back then were traumatic events and impossible schedule problems. Doesn't sound like you've narrowed down what the issue is with him.
As the others have indicated though, he NEEDS to know that you have concern about your relationship in matter. MOREOVER, he NEEDS to understand that this isn't about just the sex, but its the intimacy in the relationship. Either he trusts you enough to share his hang up with you, or he doesn't. You're his lady, go find out, go deal with it. Thinking carefully here, if you're unable to address this with him , what will things be like for you two in the future?
Is he on meds? Do they cause mood swings or even performance problems? Are you CERTAIN there isn't anything weighing down HEAVILY on his mind these days?, such as work or finances or the like?, or is it just his size as far as you know? YOU are his lady, go find out whats going on, grab the heck out of his hand and MAKE him understand that he is to trust you since he is, after all, .
Ahem, worked on me when Mrs. Para did it, lol, just an idea for ya. Keep us posted, I mean it. Good luck!
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