talking about sex with daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
talking about sex with daughter
14
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 5:06am

My wife and I were talking about sex and young girls. We have three daughters and have always told them straight up about sex and reproduction. We live on a horse farm with alot of male horese so it's nothing new to them. But here is my problem. My wife wanted to talk to our oldest (12) about sex and maybe things she might have heard in school or camp. When I said i would also talk with her she (my wife) flipped out. She said she would have rather died than have HER Dad talk about sex with her. I'm feeling a little left out. I think it would be good for my daughter to have the MALE point of view. Or am I being TOO sensitive. Would you ladies have liked your fathers to have these talks or would it have been too embarresing as my wife has said.
Please give me your point of view

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:00am

I tend to agree with you on this.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for imblushing
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:26am

Obviously


Sharon

A friend is the person who kn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:31am

i didn't have the sex talk w/ my parents
but if i did...i would be SOOOOO embarassed to have my dad sitting there lecturing me about using condoms b/c he doesn't want to be a grandpa.

i like to think that my parents are oblivious of my sex life (even though i'm away at school and live on my own...i really hope they dont think about it)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:19am

I agree w/ Sharon that your presence could inhibit dialog at this early stage. I think that time might come later...my son is 11 and not going through any changes but my friends w/ daughters the same age indicate that there is a lot of embarrassment about changing bodies, etc. and that's a difficult time.

I watched that special the other night about teens and sex...one thing that one of the "experts" said at the end of the show was that teens were likely to talk w/ their parents about sex IF there had been ongoing dialog about other related issues...relationships/dating, peer pressure, the agony of not being "popular" etc. I think that's where you could play a critical role right now--in the car maybe, if the subject comes up you could share your middle school/high school experiences about crushes, being shy around girls, dumb things you did, whatever. Be sure she knows she can ask you questions when SHE wants to and you might be surprised in a few years.

The best thing you can do is let her know how wonderful she is. Girls w/ self-respect tend to stay out of trouble, I think. My dad never said much (and wasn't even home much when I was a teen, he was in the military) but despite being short, skinny, smart and shy (a depressing combination for a high school girl!) I had a lot of self-respect because my dad thought I was the most beautiful, most wonderful girl in the world who could do anything I wanted to w/ my life. When I decided to have a sexual relationship, in college, it was on MY terms.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:43am

I agree with your wife! This is a very self conscious and sensitive time for your daughter and she doesn't need to be inhibited by your presence. IF she wants to ask you anything further, particularly to get the male point of view, then she should be encouraged to do so. But this initial talk should be between her and her mom alone.

I remember being mortified when I found out my mom had informed my dad of my period, as if it were a breach of trust!




Edited 1/28/2005 10:48 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:03pm

I have to agree with your wife. I would have been, and would still be (21) mortified if my father decided to talk to me about sex. My mom did that. But I guess it would depend on your relationship with your daughter. But me and my dad have the typical daddy's little girl relationship. He loves me above all else, and me him. But he doesn't like to think about me having ever grown up, and he CERTAINLY doesn't want to think about his little girl having sex. So in our case, he would have been uncomfortable and I think I would have DIED if he'd tried to have that talk with me. But like I said...it depends on how your daughter sees you.

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:36pm

It looks like I am out numbered in my way of thinking.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:22pm

I'm inclined to agree with the majority of the others here. I think that your wife should be the main point of contact as far as the talk goes - but at the same time it should be indicated and made clear that you are available to talk about sexual issues or provide advice about boys if your daughter wants a man's point of view. She's naturally going to relate better to your wife, but she should also get the impression that sex is a natural thing and that she shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed about it or about asking you questions about it if she wants your point of view. I also think that having both parent's present during "the talk" would be intimidating too.

Perhaps as a compromise you could be floating around in the living room while your wife has the conversation/s with your daughter and any questions that DO need a male point of view or answer could be directed at you - your wife could say something like "Well, I don't know that one. How about we ask Dad for his point of view?" You can answer the question and then head back out and leave them to it again. I don't know if that would actually happen like that, but it I think that it would be a very good compromise and better than you being present the whole time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 3:25pm

Thanks for all your help! I guess at this stage I'll let my wife do the talking. I have always tried to give all my girls all the self esteem I could. We talk about being physically strong and mentally smart. I support them 100% in all their activities and in school. They all ride horses at a competition level for their different ages. It seems these animals give them a great sense of themselves to girls. To have control over such a large animal gives them a great self worth. It seems the biggest issue I have at hand is not sex but weight. Alot of their friends already talk abot dieting. I have always tried to give them a good view that their body is a tool and need to be strong not thin in order to do the things they want especially with their riding. I guess if they have a good sense of who they are they will make the right choices. I will take the back seat on the sex thing unless asked

Thanks again!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 4:13pm

My Dad was the only one who could clue me on how the young male mind functions and that definitely should not be neglected as part of the continuing sexual education of a daugher! I was a daddy's girl, as well but I felt less comfortable as my body began changing. I also noticed a slight discomfort in him, too, particularly when this subject came up. From what I've heard from friends and family, that's pretty normal. I think you had an unusual comfort with your Dad.

I'm not sure that boys feel the same degree of discomfort with their changing bodies that girls do either. My boys didn't seem to be as self conscious as I was at puberty.

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