HELP - Sad about lack of sex and passion
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:23pm |
Hi,
I am a 38 and have been in a relationship for 12years. We used to have a sensational sex life though over the past few years it has become very average. I have spoken to my partner about this and he just clams up. THE problem now has become NO sex. It has been over 12months since he has touched me, I have tried to initiate sex and been knocked back many times. I told my partner I was not going to initiate anymore as continually knocking me back hurts and that his lack of interest and desire is making me feel ugly and un loveable. Like many men he can not communicate in words his feelings (he has always been like this) He says he is not having an affair and he dosn't know why he has no sexual desire.( I believe him and know he loves me) I am now so hurt, angry and sad that our intimacy has died that I am now living with a defence barrier up and we can not even have a laugh. The really bad thing about this is the tension in the house, we are not fighting but are just going through the motions of living together wich I do not think is a great envireoment for our beautiful 6 month old daughter.
Does anyone have any idea what may be going on or what I should do. I really am geting very depressed over the whole situation.
Thanks and regards
Lisa

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Is this your first child together? It's possible that he's experiencing some sort of emotional conflict about becoming a parent. Or dealing with the fact that his lover is now a MOTHER.
It's very hard to say what's going on in his mind but encouraging him to talk with a dr. is a good start. He could be depressed or suffering from an underlying condition which is affecting his drive.
SOMETHING is wrong though and after ruling out a physical cause for this lack of desire, then marriage counseling would be in order! Just don't let this go. Frustration, resentment and anger are marriage destroyers.
I wish you the best.
I have spoke to him about the things you say and he looks at me like I am stupid. When I have tried to push the conversation, he gets snappy and says he doesn't know why he has no desire, when I've suggested councelling again I cop a look, then he goes into his cave for a couple of days.???????????
First thing I notice is that you DO have changes in the household. Being pregnant and then adding that child to the household within the past year fits the bill here pretty perfectly.
I am VERY sorry you're going through this and wish that we all could just go ] him and make him talk, but its YOUR show to deal with.
You two are quite clearly ripping further apart each day, and having been through break-ups in my own past, it may very likely feeeel like , and yes I know you're nodding your head too, LOL! ;)
Listen, until you DO get professional counseling, always always ALWAYS remember that you DON'T have to respond to the situation in ways that only hurts it even more. Don't stop being nice to him. Keep being friendly and TALK to him about anything he wants, but DON'T raise issues too much that you KNOW he'll be uncomfortable with. When you are sitting in the same room together, try to remember to sit to him if you're able to. Keep doing nice things for him too. Send that fragile but peaceful message that you may be hurting but you still him rather than letting him think you're simply angry with him. See the difference?
You see Lisa, these tactics are often referred to as tactics. You're not pressuring him, you're remaining peaceful and friendly with him, and in effect, you're making him COMFORTABLE when you're around rather than accidentally making him feel 'pressured' to change his ways.
I stress again that this is only the strategy until you get counseling, and this is NOT the way to resolve your problems. Do NOT force him to conversate, you'll only discomfort him and push him away even more.
REMINDER!: YES I know this is completely unfair to you, which is exactly why this strategy is referred to as you making the first move. In counseling AND psychology class, not one single time did we study any relationship having a chance if at least one of the partners didn't make a peaceful first move.
PLEASE seek counseling, even if he's the type that won't go. It may still help make more efficient moves regarding your situation with him.
Just my two cents among the many others out there. VERY good luck to you! I'll even send a prayer your way as well. :)
C H A R A C T E R
Lisa,
I fully agree with all that the previous posters have written. All of it is very good advice. However, I just wanted to take it a step further.
You mentioned that he goes into his cave when you raise issues. I would suggest that if he refuses doctor and/or counselling - then he does not hold high regard for either you or your marriage. Also his caveman act would be a terrible role model for your beautiful daughter. Naturally, you don't want her to grow up believing that his behaviour is acceptable.
I truly hope he will address the issue. However, if he won't, please consider leaving him. If not for yourself - then do it so that your daughter doesn't learn from his bad behaviour.
Well, it's pretty difficult to hold a marriage together without communication though. And you have emotional and physical needs that are being severely neglected at the time when you need him most. Most importantly, you have an infant to be concerned about right now. That already requires so much of you as a woman.
Giving you the silent treatment for days is manipulative and a way to control what's discussed. If you're "punished" for bringing it up, then you won't bring it up anymore. He hopes. I just don't buy the "cave" analogy though. My DH, nor my dad, ever felt the need to hide for days at a time when they were upset, hurt or angry. If YOU were doing this, it would be called what it is, avoidance and immature pouting. When men do it, we're supposed to be understanding? I don't think so.
But ultimatums DO have their place when every other reasonable effort has failed. Your DH needs to face his problems and do what it takes to get help before he destroys your family. You've already lost a year and that has done it's damage.
Edited 2/2/2005 10:46 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
Dear Lisa,
The first thing that you may want to consider is to remember that this situation and his lack of sex drive is NOT about you. Try not to take it personally. When we take things personally we completely lose the ability to look at situations objectively and so usually exacerbate the problem.
Put the lack of sex issue on the backburner for a while and objectively review the rest of your relationship. Are you intimate on other levels? Do you share with each other new parts of yourselves? Do you talk about your future and past? Sex is often times a "canary in a coalmine"; in other words, it is a little red flag that can tell you what part of your life and relationship needs more attention. Intimacy is primarily in the realm of the heart, not the genitals and if you take care of the heart the physical part will spontaneously follow.
You mentioned that when you talk about this situation that he "goes into his cave"...that reaction is VERY male and part of the way that men process things. Let him do that, but also get him to commit to a time when he will discuss his feelings and thoughts with you. This problem could be any number of things: depression, stress, fear of a new situation (parenthood) and the odds are pretty good he doesn't really know what the problem is. So it's best not to make assumptions. The most powerful thing that you can remember is that NOTHING IN LIFE IS PERSONAL...no matter what he says or does, it is not really about you...it's about his own personal drama and his own personal issues of which you will never be able to completely understand, nor will he ever completely understand you. So notice when you begin to take it personally, i.e. "I'm not pretty enough...sexy enough...loveable enough, etc." Those thoughts are just your ego trying to make this about itself...it never is.
If the problem persists encourage him to see a counselor and if he is completely resistant than go to one yourself. You can never make anyone change you can only change yourself...but often when you do the other changes too.
Good luck.
Scott.
I agree that it's hard Kat. But if she can turn it around in her mind and really realize that the problem is his and not hers; that there is nothing "wrong" with her, it will be easier to come up with a creative solution.
Nothing wrong with being angry and assertive (in fact this situation may well call for that), but taking it personally leaves you stuck on that emotional roller coaster that is no fun and of little value to helping her resolve this situation and get her needs met.
Peace.
Scott.
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