Young Woman New to Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Young Woman New to Sex
2
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:44pm

I'm 20 1/2 year old female. I haven't been sexually active for long or at least on a regular basis. I lost my virginity when I was 18 1/2 to a guy that I didn't know very well. It was just a one time thing, and for quite a while I didn't have sex of any kind.

My previous experience with sex before I met my boyfriend was bad. I had met a guy who was very insensitive and didn't really take time to get me lubricated enough thorugh foreplay. He would just tell me to open my legs and he'd try to jam himself inside of me. He never penetrated me and the entire experience was just painful.

Since then I've moved on and finally met a guy who really cares about me. the problem is that everytime we have sex I don't get any pleasure out of it; intercourse that is. The only thing I enjoy is him performing oral sex on me. once we get to the sex part it sucks. At first I feel pain because we don't do it on a regular basis but once it is in there I feel discomfort. I tell him to go slowly because if he moves around too much or go too fast the discomfort just gets worse. For some reaosn I just cannot get used to that feeling and I dont understand it. He tells me after awhile it should start to feel good but it doesn't. And there's another thing he comes a bit too quickly. Just when I think I'm getting used to it, he's done.

I came to this forum because my friends don't really know what to tell me. They don't seem to have that problem which makes this issue for me even worse. Everyone says that after the first few times they enjoy sex; but that isn't the same for me. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 1:50pm

You have a couple of problems going on here, and it seems your b/f, considerate though he may be, also needs to learn a few things about women and their bodies.

Sex shouldn't be painful, whether you're doing it on a regular basis, or just once a year. The reason for the pain and/or discomfort is lack of arousal, and lack of lubrication. Nervousness also plays a part in it. You had a bad experience a long time ago, and you've got to put that out of your mind. It shouldn't have been that way, and when you learn to relax and "go with" it, it won't be that way.

No matter HOW regularly you have sex (intercourse), you always need lots of foreplay, oral and manual stimulation of your clitoris, to be fully aroused and well lubricated. Arousal allows your vaginal muscles to relax, and allow penetration. You also need lubrication, and as long as you're nervous, and worried that there will be pain, you won't be lubricating naturally....so get some lubricant (KY, Astroglide or something similar) and use it. Eventually, when you've learned that there won't be pain, you'll lubricate more yourself, and it won't be necessary to use it.

Unfortunately, most women don't get a lot of pleasure from intercourse alone, because your vagina has very few nerve endings, and your vagina isn't your main sexual organ....your clitoris is. That's why you enjoy oral sex more. During intercourse, you or he, or your position should be stimulating your clitoris. Then you can enjoy intercourse more. Lots of young guys don't know this, and they seem to think you should be enjoying the intercourse as much as they are, but most of us need that clitoral stimulation at the same time. Try "woman on top" which is a great way to get the stimulation, by rubbing against his pubic bone.

For more information on how female bodies work, you and he should both check out www.the-clitoris.com

Something else that you need to understand: No matter how experienced you are, sex with a new partner is a new learning experience. He doesn't know your hot spots, you don't know his, and it takes time and practice for it to be the best it can be. Be patient, it will get better! Read the web site, and talk to each other. Don't "expect" him to know what you like, and don't try to read his mind.....talk to each other...communicate. If you can do it, you can talk about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 4:39pm
Everything is ok. You obviously don't like the intercourse part of it because the first time we do something can ruin it for the rest of the times. Even worse, you may not know it, but your body obviously doesn't like it because of the first time, too. Make sure your current bf is wearing a condom with lubrication. That will help you stay moist throughout and it can prolong things with him. Maybe you should try and do some oral (and make sure he knows what he is doing) and then right when you are about to cum, have him go at it really slow inside. Little helpful hints, like try having him already inside you, but not moving, and he can lick your breasts, lick your ears, or if he is behind you, have him working his fingers on the top while he is in there.