Why do guys care about girls sex #?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Why do guys care about girls sex #?
17
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 9:57pm
I am a 24 (male) and have slept with 22 girls, only 1 was in a relationship, a few in casual relationships, but most one night stands. i'm dating this girl (22) now who has slept with 4 guys, two were out of relationships (people she was seeing), zero were one night stands, but i feel like i can't be with her. This feeling went overboard when i found out she did a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend. Now i just see her as no different from the rest of the girls i've been with. She really seems perfect for me, but my ego/mind isn't letting me be with her the same way i was before i found out about her past... I know i'm wrong, anyone got similar problems, or insight into my issue?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 11:03pm

Have you heard about the military thing.... information is given on a "need to know" basis? That means that if it doesn't concern you, you don't need to know. You are a perfect example.

You've been with 22 women..so you're St. Will, correct? She's been with four guys, which makes her no better than the other women you've been with? Doesn't say much about your selection of women, does it? Since you now think she's some kind of immoral woman, do her a favor, and move on.

And, in your next relationship, don't ASK, because you don't need to know. The only thing that should concern you is NOW, not the past. You thinking badly about her is what I'd call the "pot calling the kettle black"! Someone who's slept with 22 women has a lot of nerve condemning anyone, let alone someone who's been with 4 men.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:01am

Maybe it's just time to grow up. Women love sex, too and face it, if they are older when they become serious with one partner, they'll likely have had several partners, just as men do.

IF you throw this good relationship away for a hypocritical point of view, then you'll probably regret it. And the older you and your partners get, the more this will become an issue. I think I would start working on the double standard issue, if I were you.




Edited 2/7/2005 11:02 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 7:23am

The past is the past, let it go


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:42am
Your feelings are your feelings. Most of the men that I know that FEEL the way that you do, don't change. Move on.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:26am
The only thing lacking here is his ego...he doesnt want a woman who can compare his abilities to anyone else. Id say, in this day and age, this woman has been pretty respectable, more than I can say about his activities....Normally Id recommend to a person is that if a sex# is going to be an issue then you need to find someone who has the same value system you have...But with this fella, I cant..he is the typical double standard.
Remember in todays society, to have many sex partners is neither right nor wrong. It depends on your values and beliefs.
You can look at it a couple ways. One is they werent looking for a committed relationship. They may have been trying to bury a broken heart,some prefer short term rejection because they are fearful of a long term rejection. Sometimes it can be trying to build a self esteem. The excuse that they just love sex and need it often with different people,..I and many others dont buy that excuse.
Men dont go out and see how many women they can have sex with, there are a host of "reasons" they do it. there excuse is they like sex.
To have an occational fing is one thing, but to make sleeping around a lifestyle, that is
a totally different issue.
Personally Im more attracted to a personality type that feels they have something more to offer another than just sex..But thats just me.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:30am
I agree, hump.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:44am
You see Hump, I wouldn't even NEED to know the reasons why he slept around, because his double-standard attitude towards women would be enough. Do you think that this type of attitude doesn't permeate throughout a man's character? I do.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:07am

Willaz,

Let me start by saying that you are very conscious of what is going on inside you. Often times just witnessing the judgments that you are making against your girlfriend will allow you to transcend it. However, calling yourself "bad" or "wrong" will only make those judgments of her hang on.

The difficulty you are having is seeing your GF as a multi-dimensional being. This is more common actually with newly married men and to a lesser degree women. Before marriage, some men see their girlfriends as sexual and it's okay to have all sorts of different kinds of sex. However, after they marry them, their wives now take on a new "pure"status...in a way they become a representation of their mothers (this is not conscious) and they have a difficult time having sex with them or if they do, it can only be missionary etc. or in a very disconnected fashion. These are often the types of guys that see hookers or cheat on their wives because they cannot express their sexual side within their marriage.

If the husband cannot get past this archetypal view of his wife, her can never truly love her. Because what he "loves" is only a caricature of a person, not a real person.
Also, when his wife show aspects of herself that do not fit the archetype that he has created, then the man becomes resentful and angry, as if he were betrayed by her. He may call her hurtful names or resent her for "betraying" him. When she in fact, did not betray him at all, she simply expressed her "dark Angel". That angel is incredibly beautiful and is the zest of a sexual relationship...but he misses out because he can't get past his projection.

In reality, women have all aspects to them (as do men): Mother, whore, lover friend, angel, demon etc. etc.

If you can accept that she (and you) are all of those things, your relationship will be much deeper and the joy that you receive from each other will be a million fold. Interestingly, the "dark side" (for lack of a better term) of our natures is ONLY a problem when repressed, because repression doesn't make it go away, it forces itself to be expressed in ways that are often hurtful to themselves and their partners (affairs, one night stands, porn addiction, etc.) The "dark side" is a wonderful gift when fully accepted and revealed to our partners. It is the playful, naughty side of a person that makes them fun and sexy and great lovers.

The only way that you can be intimate with someone is to love all aspects of them and to realize that those same aspects are part of every human on the planet.

Observe the places where you judge her, because it is the places where you judge yourself. On some level, you are not comfortable with the fact that you slept with women outside of relationship (re-read your original post and notice the "tone" of it). If you can accept that those sexual adventures were just part of growing up and your own education, you will be less likely to judge them in her and more likely to enjoy her "dark Angel".

Good luck.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:25pm
Wow, let me start by saying that almost everything replied to my post was incredibly right. Post 9 really seemed to hit the nail in the heart. And whoever said something about why my sex partners were so high, was right, i got screwed in a relationship when i was 20, found out the g/f was sleeping around in a real hard way. I became a male whore after that and I know i'm guilty of the double standard. For girls i'm friends with i encourage them we're no different but then when i get with a girl in a serious relationship it bothers me... Not as much as it used to now that i've been with so many girls. The video thing bothered me a lot i guess because being a jerk that i am, after things went wrong with the first serious relationship i got into watching a lot of porn, mainly because i didn't want to think intimately of my ex, so sometimes i see my current g/f as one of the porn girls, which my heart knows is simply not true. I think the whole thing is a mechanism for me to try not to get serious. A lot us guys are dumb, we look for bad things, magnify them, and have reasons to dump someone so we don't risk our emotions. To everyone who replied, don't know if you'll ever read this, but thanks so much. Help comes from strange places i guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 2:09pm
I've read a couple of your answers... and I must say thanks for keeping things simple and real. We need more people like you on iVillage.

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