Being Lied To
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| Sat, 02-26-2005 - 6:12pm |
I love my DH very much and I enjoy our sex life incredibly so..Or I did until I found out he's been lying about his past.
First, I have a rule with all relationships that I call the "Chasing Amy" rule. For any of you out there that have seen the movie, you can pretty much guess what the rule is. I don't divulge past sexual history to current partners. To me, that creates expectations that my partner imagines I need to have met. Of course, my DH is the one that I first had intercourse with, but I did a few things in my past before him.
When we first got together, I didn't want to know anything about his past because I didn't want to have those expectations. He started divulging his secrets to me like where various scars on his body came from, about anal sex, about earning his "red wings," and the likes. I didn't want to hear about any of this because I tend to be a very jealous individual..Magnify it now that I'm pregnant. Well, for starters he lied to me about things that weren't sex-related..Like that skank of a neighbor we had..And how her desperate phone call at midnight wasn't to kill a bug but rather because she texted him and told him she was drunk and to come take advantage of her..He's lied here and there, which bothers me because I feel our relationship should be more honest. I have yet to lie to this man. Why would I? I was always told that being honest was better than to having always cover a lie with another (I credit my mother for that).
The other night he and I were talking about sex during a woman's period where he admitted that he has done it before. I was not upset because he had sex with a woman on her period, though it did take an romantic/sexual thoughts of us together that night right away..I was upset that he lied to me about it and then came clean two years later. He lied to me about anal sex. He said he did it a couple of times and didn't like it. After I give in and do it with him, he says, "I'm so glad you finally understand why I like doing it so much." Ooo, that hurt me that he'd lie to me.
He usually apologizes for lying and uses the guises "I forgot" or "I didn't want you to feel like you were being pressured into doing it." Well, that's why I did it in the first place was because I felt like I was being pressured into it by him. Its really beginning to take a toll on how I trust him because I feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie..
Today he came home from work and was in the bathroom. I asked him who was at the shop with him because he was 20 minutes late getting home. He's on call for work, so he had to be in today all day by himself..No other employees were there. I had dropped lunch off to him earlier before he left for a service call (he fixes commercial food equipment)..I kept getting this feeling all day that something wasn't right with him. When he was in the bathroom standing there to take a shower, I asked him "Who was at the shop today?" He smiled at me and said, "Me." And I said, "And?" He looked a the mirror and looked back at me, "You." and I said, "And?" And he looked down and then at the mirror and smiled that damn smile and said "Me." He's been awfully affectionate, too, since he came back from Ohio (he had to go for a training class). I mean, more so than usual. I asked him the other night why he was being this way and he said, "I realized that I don't give you enough love and affection that you need." Well, holy crap, before he started being more affectionate, he was already more so than when we first got together. He was plenty affectionate before hand..I never had any complaints..
My problem is I don't know how to trust him. He lies..How should I trust him?

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I'm not sure why you are so upset about this lying. There seems to be two separate parts to it. The lying about his sexual history, and then the lying about these other women.
As for the sexual history - you say that you don't want to know what he has done in the past. Yet you had a discussion about sex during a woman's period. Surely, if he has done it, that would be the time to admit to it and share his experience? How can you have a frank and open discussion about a sexual act if a person isn't allowed to admit that they have done that act before?
You are mad that he lied about it two years ago. You mean that you had this same discussion two years ago and he denied ever having had sex during a woman's period?
The question is, why did he deny it two years ago? I think that the answer is that he knew that you had a firm rule about not sharing sexual history. He denied it because you would be mad if he admitted it. You can't tell someone that they shouldn't share an experience, and then get mad later when you find out that they have had it. It seems to me that YOU are being unreasonable about this.
Ditto the anal sex thing. He obviously enjoys anal sex but you clearly told him that he wasn't allowed to tell you that he has done it in the past. He's now got a problem. How does he ask you to try anal sex without admitting that he's done it before? He knows if he admits it your reaction will be bad because, like you say, you are a jealous and insecure person. He's stuck in the middle with you. He can't share anything with you because you'll get mad. He can't deny it because that would be lying, and you get mad about his lying.
Do you think that the same thing is happening with these other women? That he's denying and hiding relatively innocent behaviour because he knows that you'll get mad. Or is he denying everything because he is cheating and HAS got something to hide?
I'm not sure what's going on with the skanky neighbour, but is he really cheating? Perhaps he is not cheating. Perhaps he is hiding her blatant attempts to seduce him because he knows that even that will make you really mad?
And what's the motivation behind your questioning after he was at the shop for the day? Do you think that he had sex with the skanky neighbour at work? I think that he knew why you were questioning him. It's entirely possible that he is not cheating and WAS alone at the shop but doesn't know how to answer your loaded questions. You were basically accusing him of cheating. How is a guy meant to respond to that if the accusations are groundless and the person asking the questions has a volatile temper?
How can you trust him? Well, obviously you don't now. You have to analyse what you've seen and what you know. Is he really cheating? Does he have the time for it? What is going on with this neighbour and her texting? She might be coming-on to him, but is he taking her up on her offer of sex? Or is he saying "No" and hiding it from you because he knows it's not worth the performance if he told you about it?
I think that you have to decide what you want. Do you want the honest truth about things or do you want to continue to demand that he recreate the truth based on what he thinks that you want to hear? You have to stop getting mad about the truth. Once you do that your husband will be able to share it with you without fearing the repercussions.
Perhaps I should have been more clear about this all...
I had just been on the board the night a woman posted a problem with her SO about sex during her period. My DH had asked what I was chatty kathy about here on the board, so I told him. He then said he had done it once before but didn't know at the time because his exW had never said anything. He said it was disgusting and tends to leave one scarred.
As for the anal sex, we had a discussion about it when we first got together. I told him I wasn't fond of it because to me it seemed disgusting and not something I wanted to do. This was when we first got together two years ago and I had just lost my virginity to him. I was still very naive about sex. I just tried anal sex a few weeks ago. We were in the shower, it was feeling good, I went the whole nine yards and found it wasn't so bad. It wasn't until AFTER we had had anal sex for the first time together that he said he honestly did like the act, not the person he had done it with before and that he wanted to share it with me because it was something that we hadn't done together.
As for the skanky neighbor, this was when we first hooked up and it has long since been dead and burried between us. I don't bring it up and I don't like thinking about it. I forgave my husband for being so stupid. I had not forgiven the neighbor for trying to be my friend and trying to steal my husband at the same time. I had my words with her and made it quite clear you can't be my friend and try to get into bed with my SO. I am friends with her roommate.
Do I think my DH is having an affair? I don't know. Sometimes I wonder. His sudden burst of extra affection does tend to make me wonder. After I talked to him about it, it was all of a sudden because he was afraid. My OB had told me I needed to be referred to a cardiologist for chest pains/palpitations because this could be a problem. He started becoming even more affectionate after that because he was afraid that we'd get bad news and he's scared of losing me. Do I trust my DH? Yes, but not with other women. It takes an instant to lose trust but a lifetime to build it back. He broke my trust when he was sneaking off to see that skanky neighbor and its taking time to get it back. It doesn't happen over night. With his apology and the everyday life we lead together and the things we've gone through together, he's getting it back and has gotten it back. There's no sense in holding it over his head now. It was in the past where it needs to stay.
As for questioning him about who was at the shop with him, it's customary. I always ask him about work..Where he's been, who he's seen, what he fixed, how he fixed it. I show a genuine interest in my husband's work. I also needed to see if his boss showed up today as he has a habit of "just dropping in to check the paper work" from time to time (really it's to make sure his technicians aren't goofing off)..His boss fixed our car while DH was gone in Ohio and I've been nagging DH to thank the boss in person for doing so. I know that DH wouldn't have sex with another woman at the shop..Especially since he won't have sex with me there and that place really turns me on! He wouldn't dream of cheating on me with the skanky neighbor either! He knows the fate that awaits them both if I ever find him cheating on me with her...He's knows that pregnant or not I wouldn't hesitate to beat them both down. There is no excuse for infidelity.
Would DH cheat on me? I doubt it. He learned his lesson when we were dating. Does he lie to me about mundane things? No. He's a pretty honest guy, I must say. All of his friends have told me so from the beginning, w/o my asking them for info. DH has called me before to let me know he ran into a female friend of his while on a service call and that they talked for a few minutes and they hugged. She's apparently lesbian and was moving to San Franscico. He told her we married and she was overjoyed that he moved on to a much better person than his exW. There's a strange history between them I know..But, she's a lesbian and no threat to me.
Am I jealous and insecure? Insecure, yes. Jealous? I make it myself. I drive myself crazy. I've seen people around me get burned. I saw my mother get burned. I don't want to end up like her. I think that's a motivator in a lot of the decisions I make. I think that she's part of my insecurities. I know that DH wouldn't do anything to jeopordize our marriage. He says he has it perfect and why screw it up? I agree with him...
I think I solved my own problem..*LOL*
By the way, there's plenty of experimentation in our bedroom. In fact, we both made lists of things that we both want to do with the other and tonight..*rubbing hands together* we are going to the naughty store to find a strap-on for the ultimate in role-reversal. He's making a fantasy of mine come true in exchange for his wedding fantasy..(We didn't get to do it on our wedding night because I had changed from my dress into street clothes because I can't stand being gussied up..And he was slightly buzzed after the beers he had at dinner)..And there's one more that he mentioned but I can't remember..All I know is that we're going to the naughty store and I can't wait to go..I'm counting the hours..I'm willing to skip CSI: Weekends and MadTV to go..I love going there with him..Its funny because I can't go to the Blockbuster and go into the adult movie room without blushing, closing my eyes, and running for the hills..But, I can go into the adult toy store and look at toys..We're even going to get handcuffs and a ball gag..He needs something to keep my mouth shut for once.*LOL* So, trust me, there's plenty of experimenting going on..We have one rule and one rule only: NO OUTSIDERS. Sex is for the two of us to share with the two of us and that's it. We can have fun together..And believe me we do..
I'm confused, on your first post you said he lies, how can you trust him and on this post you say he is an honest guy and doesn't lie
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>>I think you put way too much pressure on him and it is obivious from the posting you do not communicate with him. It also seems from your posting that is trying to get you to open up and make a connection with him. However you are so wrapped up in following your 'rules' that you are pushing him away and he is beginning to look for affection elsewhere. Either drop your guard and open up to him. Otherwise, let him know you don't want to be married to him anymore.<<
I agree with this 100%
And I'd like to add that there is only one way to ensure that your partner is completely honest: You need to give EVERYTHING he says complete acceptance. Don't criticise the things he tells you when he's being honest - past or present, and don't say "I didn't want to know that". Don't ever make him feel like he has to justify what he says, and he won't feel the need to lie.
Of course your MIL has to be and should be involved in your life, the life of your daughter and the
Dear Jennie,
I've read the other replies and feel that they are right on target. It's ALWAYS best not to make assumptions. You are connecting dots all over the place to create dramas that are no there. There are two problems here: 1) you don't clearly communicate with your husband (the odds are also pretty good that he doesn't communicate clearly either). What I mean by that is that you are sending him all sorts of mixed messages and assuming all sorts of things based on looks, or smiles or whatever (the mind ALWAYS likes to create the worst case scenario...always...the mind likes drama). Those things could mean ANYTHING. You are afraid he's lying, but a two year relationship is VERY new and he is still learning to trust you (sometimes it takes 10 years to fully trust another). You told him that you did not like anal sex and he was afraid that you would judge him if he told you that he did. Now you tried it with him and he is pleased, feels that you are not judgmental about it and feels safe telling you that he likes it....but he likes it with you...that's a good thing.
2) There is also a special sort of insanity that comes with being pregnant :0)...nuff said?
Peace.
Scott.
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