need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
need advice
4
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 1:07pm
Very recently my bf and I broke it off. He was my one and only lover ever. I have started a new relationship with someone. First off he's 16 years older than me so it's kinda weird. i don't really have an issue with the age thing. But I will admit it's different. I do like him and am very attracted to him. we've made out a lot and got just a little touchy feely. I'm really nervous about having sex with him. I've just been used to the same guy for 4 years and am really nervous to be with someone new. I don't know how people do it! It's just so strange for me to think about being with a new guy. What will he like, what will he want, expect, what will "it" be like. What if I don't like it. The sex that I had with ex was so awesome, although I do realize I have nothing to compare it to!! I'm just scared. In one way I can't wait to be with new guy! But I just am scared I guess, don't know how else to describe it. Feeling very insecure and confused.
Advice?......
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 2:05pm

Every time you're with a new partner, it's always that way. That's why you need to wait until you're comfortable with him, and comfortable talking to him. Don't let age and "experience" worry you, because neither age or experience equals "expertise". Men can be with lots of women, and still not have a clue how to give a woman pleasure. He'll probably be just as nervous as you are, too. He'll have the same feelings that you do. He'll be wondering what you like, what you expect, if he'll "measure up" to your last lover.

Whatever you do, do NOT discuss your ex, and don't make comparisons, even in your mind. No matter that the sex was good with your ex, as you said, you have nothing to compare it to......this one might be 10x better. OR, he might not be as good, but he can always improve with your help.

The first time will definitely be "tame".....because neither of you will be sure what the other one is expecting, or the other one is used to. It will get better as you both get more comfortable. This is where the "talking" comes in. If you want him to do something, you'll have to ask....he won't KNOW what you like. And, if he doesn't give you "direction", then you can ask him what he'd like, also.

If you're comfortable with the "making out" and the "touchy feely".....you'll get more comfortable about everything as time goes by. Don't rush it, and don't do it just to please him if you're not ready yet. Just remember that he's as nervous as you are, and relax and enjoy yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 3:35pm

There's not much more to add. Greenteabag summed it up very well.

While this new b/f of yours may well be more experienced and have slept with more women, he hasn't slept with you, and he doesn't know what you like, how you like it, or quite what to expect at all. He should be a little nervous.

As already said, it takes time to figure out what a new partner likes, and although he might have some tricks up his sleeve that he thinks you will like, that's not a given. The two of you have to learn together what each one likes. That's where the talking comes in. Talk to him and encourage him to do the same. Although you might find talking about sex with him slightly embarrassing (many of us do) even though you have managed to get naked and jiggy with him, try to overcome the embarrassment and talk about it. Talk about what you like, ask him what he likes, as him if he's enjoying this or that, tell him what to do as he's doing it. Even simple communication like "Higher", "Lower", "Faster", "There!" can be a great help.

And finally, DO take your time. There is no rush to have sex. Get intimate and feel comfortable with him before you finally take the plunge. If you plan on being with him long-term there is no rush and you can take weeks or months until you have sex if you like. This is one time where you should ensure that you are comfortable and ready and where his expectations take second place to your needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 2:11am

<> - just relax and take it one moment/touch at a time. GTB said it best, but being/feeling comfortable with the person is most critical. If your man is anything like my XH (17 years older than me), he'll take it slow and not rush you. He should also be able to listen to you and not go beyond your point of comfortableness/readiness.

Nervous is being with one person for 17 years, then having 8 years pass before your next partner. Comfortable was our first time (he told me later he was surprised by how comfortable I was) and intense describes us six months later. Good Luck!

PS: sex with XH was wonderful and finding it just as good did concern me. However, I now have it ten times better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 10:57am
Thanks to everyone for the replies! I do appreciate it. It's just so weird to me sometimes. I feel like I'm walking through someone elses life. Then all of a sudden I pop backt to reality and realize, yes you are sitting here with a different man, no you don't live with him anymore. I haven't really had these thoughts until recently when i started seeing this new guy and spending time with him. After my ex and I split up we were still "seeing" each other for a while. I thought I could show him that I loved him and it would change things. Anyway, it turned into a lot more hurt and pain. I finally realized that it was a stupid idea and I don't think he feels the same way about me anymore. I've finally come to the conclusion that it's just not going to work with him and I need to move on. This new guy is very sweet. He knows that I need time and patience and is willing wo be there for me. I didn't expect such a nice, sweet and understanding guy. Expecially so soon! I didnt' want to get into anything with anyone because I just didn't think I could handle it. But so far, he's wonderful! I'm afraid I'm going to get too wrapped up into it too soon for the sake of being with someone. I know I should just take my time but am scared, just like anything else.
Anyway, thank you for responding and being so straight forward. I appreciate all the advice.
Thanks :)