Should I just let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Should I just let it go?
7
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 3:51pm
Hello all! New to the board. So yesterday I happened to walk in my bf of 2 yrs, typing away on a forum. He looked a little surprised so I asked him what he was up to , he says nothing, all defensive. So i checked out what it was and he's responding to some woman's post about her " wet p***y in a thong ". His addition to this thread was about how he loves oral sex and about how he's getting hard reading the thread. I got upset, he insisted it's nothing, and then he had to take off right away as he was late for work. So after he left I searched his other posts to this site, and I hacked into his email - found nothing. So after thinking about this, I feel like I should let it go, I'm pretty open minded, our sex life is great, he adores me, and I'm fairly certain he's never cheated on me. But then again I wonder - should I be worried? Is he just waiting for the opportunity to get some action elsewhere? What do you think? Would you be concerned?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:28pm
Do you have a reason not to trust him, has he cheated in the past? I've read some of the guys on these boards say that some of the stories and comments made here get them excited. It's not a big deal, unless he was asking the girl out. My main concern here is that you so mistrust him that you hacked into his email! If my SO did that to me, I would be livid. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it would show me he did not trust me. Talking to your SO is the best way to find things out. Hacking into someones email is WRONG! Both my SO's email and mine is on outlook express, if I open outlook not only can I check my mail, I can get his. DO I? No, I could care less what he gets, unless it's a good joke, then I want him to share. He NEVER goes into my email either, unless I tell him to go look at something. To me that is a sign of mistrust, and I think you were wrong to do that. Reading his posts from a forum, is different, if you post it, then anyone can read your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:51pm

"I've read some of the guys on these boards say that some of the stories and comments made here get them excited."

A bit of a difference, they(the men on LTAS) are speaking in general terms and *not* to any specific person. It is also not as explicitly as worded as the OP described. I am not saying this is a huge issue, but maybe time to discuss where their boundaries should lay.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 8:46pm

I agree with Leticia.

Posting to these forums is quite a bit different from using really explicit language and "personal" interaction between members on another forum. I don't think that it's probably a big deal though. Sounds like he enjoys or gets his jollies from talking dirty on some anonymous messageboard. If it was regular and he was encouraging a real life meeting, then Yes, I would be pretty darned upset! But if it remains anonymous and is just a bit of "fun" here and there, then No, I really wouldn't worry about it much. There is such a thing as making a mountain out of a molehill.

Personally, I'd be kinda interested in seeing or sharing what he does, checking it out a little, and if it's harmless enough, just let him do it. After-all, it could just be a little masturbatory fantasy that he's indulging in or a perfectly harmless outlet for all that energy. I mean, if it's not hurting your relationship or your sex-life, then let it be.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 10:51am

I don't think you should be concerned but you should make sure that there isn't something else that he's doing to cause your insecurity and distrust. Does he flirt or show undue attention to other women? If not, then this is pretty harmless. IF the wording was as raw and blunt as you posted, though, then I'm not familiar with that type of board. My DH and I just don't go there.

His responding to a general message on a board is the same as privately fantasizing, IMO. Someone put the thought in his mind but his response isn't really directed at a specific person but that thought or idea. But as Leticia mentioned, if this feels like he's straying outside the agreed upon boundaries of your relationship, then it deserves to be discussed.

I wouldn't recommend hacking into his emails or anything else for information though. It's disrespectful and I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy about that and neither would you.




Edited 3/7/2005 10:55 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:21am

finmin,

You have gotten some good advice here. Hacking into his e-mail is very intrusive and if he were to do the same to you I'm sure that you would be furious.

Having said that, your boyfriends behavior, although probably no big deal, can be a bit of a slippery slope. You know him better than we do and if you feel that he is the type of person that can be a bit addictive, then you may want to discuss and reaffirm your boundries. A good way to find out if it is outside his boundries is to ask him if he would be comfortable with you writing similar things on a website to anonymous men (not threatening him, but allowing him to check in with his feelings). If the answer is 'no', than he may want to look at his behavior as being less healthy. If the answer is 'yes', he would be just fine with that, then you need to check in with your feelings...is this outside your boundries? Then negotiate in order that both of you find a common boundry that is comfortable for you and where you can both get your needs met. If you hacked into his e-mail, my guess is that this is outside of your boundries...but I could be wrong.

If my wife were doing similar things, I would be uncomfortable and since that is the case, I would not engage in the type of internet banter that your boyfriend is doing. This could also be a onetime thing and if that is the case, again no big deal.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 5:16pm

I think that this is a perfect opportunity for you to bring it up to him as a topic of conversation.

You can tell him that you saw the message rom the message board and it made you think about where the boundries should be in your relationship.

John

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 6:45pm
Thanks for all the input, it actually saved me from a huge blow up( I tend to overreact ) I actually did confront him, we had a little talk about 'boundaries' and to my surprise he apologized profusely, agreed that it was inappropriate and said it was momentary lapse of good judgement and wouldnt happen again.
And you know, perhaps I am a little too distrusting ( you know, hacking into the email and all) I've been through my share in the past, and I think I'm bringing some of my baggage into this one. and undeservedly at that, since the guy's been completely loyal to me.
Hey thanks - a little reality check is always apreciated!