Please help...... I hate sex!
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| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 9:19pm |
I am having a big problem and I hope that one of you may be able to help me. I have been on the pill for two and a half years now and almost from the very beginning I noticed a drastic decrease in my sex drive. I have had no other side affects that many others claim from the pill such as weight gain, headache, nausea, etc. I have tried switching brands at the suggestion of my doctor starting with Mircette, Nortrel and a couple of others. I am now on Kariva and nothing has changed.
At 23 and recently married, I am very depressed with where our sex life is currently at. I am extremely attracted to my husband and he is a very attentive, very giving lover. This problem I am having is in no way a result of anything he is, or is not doing right. At first the excitement of being in an intimate relationship was enough to get me through and It would be fairly easy to get me aroused after much foreplay. I would enjoy sex and I would feel sexy as we were making love. A while ago it had become extremely difficult for me to get aroused but once I was I could enjoy it for a long period of time. Now it has gotten to the point where I’ll get aroused but cannot stay aroused once sex starts. I get dry and irritated almost immediately and intercourse becomes very painful for me. (I have tried every kind of lube on the market and none have really helped.) I often times grit my teeth and bear the pain for as long as I can while trying to reassure my husband that I really am enjoying myself. (If I told him how much it hurt each time he would want to stop, but then we would NEVER have sex!) The doctor has ruled out infections or other conditions that may be causing me pain, it is strictly due to the fact that I am physically unable to get aroused. I don't physically desire sex and I NEVER initiate it. I look at it now as more of a chore than anything else, and I look forward to the week each month when I get my period so that I won't have to worry that my husband will ask for sex. I feel absolutely awful and have had many talks with my husband about what is happening. He is very understanding and tells me he knows that it is just the pills and that’s why I never initiate sex. I have not told him how much I hate having sex as it would absolutely devastate him, and of course it is not his fault.
I was wondering if there is anyone else who has had this problem and found a pill that didn't destroy their sex drive. By the way, I have considered using other forms of BC but have found more cons to these other methods than I care to think about. Other hormonal methods would have just about the same effects, and non -hormonal ones are not effective enough. My husband had to take a drastic pay cut at work due to downsizing at his company, and with a new house and bills from the wedding, this would be the WORST time to start a family. Please help! I would really appreciate any suggestions.

If you are sure that it is the birth control and not some other problem, why don't you go off the BC and have him use condoms to see if things change or not.
I agree with Tish. You've been checked for every physical possibility, and have been assured that there's nothing wrong with you physically. That leaves mental or emotional problems. You've got yourself convinced that it's because of the pill. So, take yourself off the pill temporarily, and use condoms instead, to see if that makes a difference. I understand that you don't want to get pregnant, but if used properly and carefully, along with spermacide, you won't get pregnant. You could also ask your doctor about the diaphragm...it's used with spermacide, and then a condom besides, you'll be safe.
You've got yourself convinced that it's because of the pill. But, no matter what's causing it, you're in PAIN, and no one could look forward to being in pain! What's wrong with telling your husband that it's painful? There are plenty of other things you can do to satisfy him besides intercourse! This is a catch 22 situation.....whether it's really the pill, or it's a "self fulfilling prophecy"......you're in pain. The only way for you to figure out what's going on is to get off the pill, and see what happens. I think it's more the pain. No one is going to look forward to sex if they know there's going to be horrible pain! The fact that you expect pain is causing you to not be able to be relaxed and aroused.
The doctor told you there's nothing wrong with you. Now it's up to you to play detective, and try to figure out what it is. Tell your husband, and take a break from intercourse. I'm sure he would be more than willing to do that. Satisfy him orally and/or manually, and he can do the same for you. Get off the pill, and see what happens.
I had gone off my pills for two months at one point after affirming with my doctor that my problem was not due to any other cause. Within the first month I regained a completely healthy sex drive which is how I know that it is not an emotional problem.(I am also not on any medications that would alter my sex drive, the pill is all I am on) I was really excited when I heard that the sponge was back on the market figuring that would be the answer I was looking for so I didn't have to take the pill again. Unfortunatly I learned the hard way that I am allergic to spermicide, which of course also prevents me from using a cervical cap or diaphram. Neither my husband or I feel particullarly safe with just using condoms alone.
He has been so good with me. So patient and understanding. I have told him it has hurt me before and he always stops immediately. We do please each other in other ways than just intercourse, however like I said, if it were up to me we would NEVER have sex, and thats not really acceptable. I WANT to want to have sex. IWANT to enjoy it and initiate it all the time. Hopefully I will find something that agrees with my body. Thanks anyway for your suggestions.
Hello adeena62,
Have you asked your dr. about a mini-pill (progesterin-only pill)? It has no estrogen, which is usually the cause of a decreased sex drive. It is almost as effective as a regular pill *IF* you are good about taking it at the SAME TIME EVERY DAY. I think there might be weight restrictions (under 150 lbs).
I always used pills too because I had bad reactions to spermicides. When I switched to the mini-pill my libido went from zero to 100 in about a month's time. If you are worried about effectiveness, you can use a condom with the mini-pill during times you are likely to be ovulating. It might be worth a try. I'm guessing an IUD is out of the question since you haven't had children yet.
Good luck.