Seeking advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Seeking advice
2
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 3:31pm
I wasn't sure where to go or who I could talk to, but I need help and guidance without judgement. I am 28 yrs old and have been married to a wonderful husband for almost five years and we now have a 4 month old son. I first had sex when I was 17 and loved it. I have only slept with him, one other person once and my husband. When we first dated we did it quite often and then it stopped. We didn't even have sex on our honeymoon and he didn't push me. Our lives changed last year and I had to leave a very stressful job to follow him to his new job. After the move I focused on improving our sex life and I got pregnant, which was a good thing. Now he is ready for us to start having sexual relationship which I want too. But I am not interested in sex, I never think about it, I don't like touching him or being seen naked or being touched myself. I don't know how to begin to be and think more sexual. I feel like I have been mentally screwed up somehow and don't think about sex the way I should and could. I talked to my Dr. about it and he said a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. I just need some ideas and suggestions on how I can figure out what is wrong and move past them. I love my husband and I would hate to loose him because I can be the perfect wife in every way but in the bedroom.
Thanks.
Allison
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jolley6
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 4:24pm

What you've described sounds soooo familiar. And it's also so normal.

You just had a baby. Your hormones are out of balance and so your libido is nonexistant right now. Totally normal. This happens much more often than we're told after pregnancy and childbirth. And few OBGYN's warn you about the possibility, mine sure didn't! It can take up to 18 mos. for your body and hormones to recover, so be patient with yourself and with your hubby.

Learing to live together is stressful, moving is stressful and on top of the physical aspects of pregnancy and childbirth, you add the new roles you each have of being mommy and daddy. This is a huge change in your lives so it's to be expected that you'll both need to adjust. Explain all this to your DH and ask him to give you some time to get back to normal again. IF he understands that this lack of desire is normal for many new mothers, he'll be less likely to personalize and be hurt by it.

But he still has physical needs so maybe he'd be happy with a handjob or oral sex instead of intercourse right now. Let him know that your lack of desire has nothing to do with him but that it's a byproduct of the pregnancy. You have plenty of time to work together to get those fires going again though.

Mutually satisfying sex takes both partners to achieve so stop putting this pressure on yourself at a very stressful and exhausting time. Your main concern has to be the care of this new baby and to recover from this arduous year. Doesn't mean that you ignore your hubby, but you can devise a realistic plan of action that you both can live with. Just be patient with yourself! That's the best advise I got---release yourself from those expectations and just do the best you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jolley6
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:18pm

I agree with Katmandoo about your situation right now......after having a baby, it's not uncommon to lose interest in sex. That's nature's way of allowing you to care for a helpless baby before you get pregnant again.

But, it sounds like you do have a problem. Why did your doctor suggest that it was because of your upbringing? Did you tell him something specific? Many parents can't discuss sex with their daughters.....and they give the impression that it's "not nice", or "nice girls don't like sex", or even worse.....it's "dirty and/or disgusting". Then there's religion. Some religions preach that sex is for procreation, not for pleasure. These things can leave a bad impression, and even though you're an adult now, it's hard to just "shrug off" childhood teachings. Often the parents tell their daughters these things trying to discourage them from having sex while they're too young, or to keep them from getting pregnant when they're young, and THAT's not such a bad thing, considering how sexually active and irresponsible young girls are these days!

If that's what's causing you problems.....then you have to be an adult and look at it logically. Sex isn't a bad thing, and as a married woman, you can and should learn to enjoy it just as much as any man does. Not only for your own pleasure, but for your husband's pleasure. Our parents teach us many things when we're children.....and some of them are right, and some of them are wrong. When we become adults, we have to start thinking like adults, and realize that we don't have to do what our parents told us. We did when we were children, but when we become adults, we have to form our own opinions. This is something that you have control over. As an adult, you control your thoughts and feelings, and shouldn't let things from our childhood control you as an adult.