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| Thu, 03-17-2005 - 3:42pm |
Wow, so I posted to this board like 2 days ago because I was having problems in the bedroom with my boyfriend of a year and a half. He and I weren't communicating and he had pretty much stopped doing anything sexual for me and it was all for him. I started to feel like it was me having to do all the work to initiate the sex, and I started to feel annoyed and frustrated and not sexy. So I posted here and tried to get advice for how to tell him that i wasn't feeling "satisfied" without hurting his feelings and a bunch of people gave me GREAT advice on what to do. So I felt confident and I talked to him about it. Wow, I opened up a huge can of worms...and its worse than I ever thought it could be. I need an opinion on how bad this is and if this situation can change.
So last night, with advice from ivillage members, after I tried to initiate sex again, and he said "no babe, not tonight," I had had enough! So I asked him, "is there something wrong?" and he just unloaded! He said, "well babe, in the past couple of weeks, I've been stopping initiating anything because I don't feel driven to have sex because sex has become liek work to me. I wish you would do some of the work because you never do." So at that point, I had no idea that was going to come out, so I tried to stay calm, and i told him that I would try and fix it...so he thought we resolved things.
After that, I didn't sleep at all last night. All I kept thinking was how inadequate and awful I felt that I was to him. I mean, I never thought anything was wrong sexually and I thought I was doing all the work and now he says that I dont do any of it. But I couldn't be mad because well, i knew that this was important to him and that he was communicating his needs to me. But I still felt awful. So when he woke up this morning, I didn't even want to touch him or be near him and he sensed it. So we started talking about it again, and it got worse.
he said, "what's on your mind, let's talk." and i said, "well, i don't know what to think about last night's talk and I'm feeling really uncomfortable." and he unloaded again and said, "well, I know you're leaving this summer for two months and then I don't know where you're going after that and where we'll be so when I see that I'm too attached, I'll detach myself." In fact, I have a job for two months away from him that I already committed to but after that job I was going to move back to where he was and I told him that. Then he said, "So sexually I was and am pulling away because i feel like you're leaving." Then I said, "I'm coming back here after I'm done. BUt sexually, right now I feel completely and totally confused and pathetic and inadequate. I feel like I'm not sexy to you and not desired." And then he said, "well you know I desire you, but sexually, yes you are inadequate. Our relationship outside of the bedroom is great and wonderful, but in the bedroom, i've always felt it needed work" By that point, I just shut down. He tried to save what he said by saying,"well you can learn and you can change..." but now ahhhhh, i dont know what to do.
I had absolutely no idea that it was that bad. I always thought it was perfect and great. He rocked my world, and i thought that I did enough and that he liked doing most of the work. Now he's telling me to go get books and to practice moves. I feel like such a loser. I don't even want to think of having sex with him rihgt now...or ever. i'm completely at a loss for words. Is it wrong to be mad? He was just voicing his needs to me. I feel like every time in the past now that we've had sex that I've been awful and that disgusts me and now I feel so silly to change because now there's sooooo much pressure for me to perform and I'm at the point where I just either want to shut down and avoid sex OR i want to save myself teh embarassment, not change, and leave. Its been a 15 month relationship though! Is there any way to get through this, anything that i can hear that might make me not feel so embarassed and non sexual? Will I ever feel sexual towards him again? HELP

It's understandable that you feel hurt and embarrassed....most of us would, at first. But it's up to you to decide if this lack of communication has hurt your relationship enough to leave.
I don't think your guy handled this problem wisely from the start. IF he wanted you to be more active in bed, if his needs weren't being met, then why not just SAY that from the beginning rather than withdrawing? That only made things worse.
Tell him that you feel hurt right now and that you're going to take some time to decide how you feel about the relationship. But don't throw away an otherwise good relationship because of hurt feelings.
Edited 3/17/2005 5:11 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Ouch. So sorry to hear things went so badly. But I think the answer to your heartache is in what he told you in your second conversation.
"He unloaded again and said, "well, I know you're leaving this summer for two months and then I don't know where you're going after that and where we'll be so when I see that I'm too attached, I'll detach myself."
The fact that you're leaving, even if it is for a short time, is obviously bothering him far more than he admits. So not having sex with you, "detaching" may be his way of punishing you.
Just curious -- did the sex drought begin shortly after you decided to take the job?
Calling you bad in bed sounds like further punishment, so I wouldn't take it too much to heart. Besides, if you were so bad, why didn't he try to encourage you to try new things, or guide you? He sounds rather passive-aggressive. Do you really want to put up with that?
Good luck to you!
--Fran
I agree with the others - there is a good chance that you are not nearly as bad in bed as he says. He's used this opportunity to hurt you with words because he doesn't like the idea of you going away for those two months. That's something that the two of you are going to have to work out on your own. I must admit that he does seem very hurt over what is a relatively short period of time away. Two months isn't a long time to be away. I guess that he is feeling insecure about how the two of you will relate to one another after you return - or even if you really will return.
As for being bad in bed? It would have been nice if he'd said or indicated something before this. Do you really feel that you have been that bad in bed? Are you really that inactive and passive? Do you feel that you initiate sex and have an interesting and varied repetoire in the bedroom? I honestly think that he is probably being a bit harsh about this and if he is unhappy a large part of the blame must be put back on his shoulders for not communicating to you his specific and particular (and they may be VERY particular and specific) desires. You're not a mind-reader and need his guidance to find what really makes him happy in the bedroom.
Dear MN,
As Fran and Westridge said, I think this is MOSTLY about you being gone for two months. I think he's angry and maybe a little afraid and the "little boy" in him is striking out with things that are hurtful.
His communication on these facts was absolutely dreadful, but I suspect that is what's going on.
Sexual problems are usually red flags to problems with the relationship. Kat's advice to take time and think before discussing this is great advice.
Good luck.
Scott.