Thinking about a MFF threesome....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thinking about a MFF threesome....
9
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 10:44pm

Hi guys. I'm a regular poster these boards, but I thought that I'd get some feedback from you guys for a situation that I have myself.

I'm in a long term defacto relationship - 5 years and we own property together, no kids though. I'm in my mid-late thirties, she's thirty. We've been together through thick and thin and have come through some pretty tough situations. All is very good right now, the relationship is strong, and we currently have a very good sex life.

We got talking the other night, as you do. And the topic of threesomes came up, as it does. I've always said that I was intrigued with the idea (I mean, what man isn't?) but wasn't sure how the reality would pan out. Obviously fantasy is a LOT different from the reality. If nothing else, I've learnt that from seeing many of the posts here on this board over the years. I was also involved in a threesome as a young chap and while it was fun at the time, it had a bit of a sour ending because of feelings that surface - that probably could have been avoided had it been thought out a bit better.

She suggested that she liked the idea of a MFF threesome and would enjoy making love to another woman. I have to admit that I was a little surprised - she's always been pretty conservative in the past and in the past she's dismissed any thoughts about threesomes saying it wasn't for her when the subject came up. I suppose that in recent years she's discovered areas of her sexuality and personality that she didn't know about (or kept supressed) as our sex life has certainly developed over time and she, personally, has changed her image substantially since she met me. I guess you could say that she's developed in many ways, so maybe it's not such a surprise that she's thought about this recently.

She's not interested in swinging with other couples (neither am I), and isn't interested in a MMF threesome (although I'd probably be OK with that, I'm not 100% sure about it either). Cutting a long story short; I know that she could handle being with another woman as she was in a serious lesbian relationship in another country 6-12 months before she returned here and met me. So there is that side to it. Hmmmm. I questioned her and she says she isn't interested in a relationship with another woman but since we're just kicking the idea around, she thinks she would quite enjoy the sex if the opportunity presented itself.

We talked about some of the rules/guidelines that would be required if it ever happened and I think that we're seeing eye-to-eye to this. She hadn't thought about it, but I told her that if we were to get another woman involved she'd have to consider that I would more than likely want to have intercourse with the other woman too. That made her pause for a moment, but she then agreed that it was only fair.

We're not rushing into this. It quite likely will never happen. I have absolutely no idea where we'd even begin to find another woman that would be interested in this. Sure, we've got one or two acquaintances that might be interested but they're friends so I don't think that we're going to go there. But all the same it's interesting to think about.

So, my question. Anyone got any similar experiences or thoughts to share? The good, the bad and the unexpected? The traps and pitfalls? Even ideas about where you'd find someone to join in? We're a fairly average outgoing couple, reasonably attractive, in fair shape, and certainly not the sort of people you'd ever expect to be interested in this sort of thing. I know that this is certainly not everyone's cup of tea - and it may not be my cup of tea either, but it's certainly interesting to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 12:46am

We have done mfm but have not tried fmf. Unless you know a f who is willing to participate it might be a while before you find a single bi f. Most are a part of a couple and if you are not interested in the couple thing then the search might be a bit longer. Anyhow, it sounds as though you are on the right track about communicating. However the one thing to avoid is have the threesome occurring as a spur of the moment especially after a night of drinking. These situations tend to be unpredicatable and increases the chance you will cross the boundries that the two of you have set. Thus, leading to hurt feelings and the possible ending of your relationship. Best thing to do is take it slow, plan it, and then let it happen.

One thing that the two of you should talk about is how to handle emotions for the third person. F tend to be more emotionally centered than m. Meaning m typically can detach themselves from the situation and see it as a pleasurable evening. Whereas f tend to develop emotional bonds and may want to develop a relationship first before anything happens. This could be a danger spot especially if you are looking at a one time thing. The main thing here is to discuss how to deal with the emotions that this type of event brings.

The best place to start is online. There are numerous sites that for this. However the main thing with using the Internet is be careful of m posing as single bi f. Typically they are either transvestites (TV) or desparate guys looking for a quick lay who had no luck posting as single m so they are posing as the holy grail of swinging single bi f in the hopes a couple will overlook their indescretion. Another option would be to find a couple who is willing to share the f with you but be careful they might expect your SO to play with them alone.

Clubs, bars, and other social functions to provide opportunities to find a willing playmate. The chance of success varies with the venue. Friends and co-workers I always say avoid. This is due to the fact once you suggest this to them it will forever change your relationship and if it is a co-worker the repercussions could be dangerous. My final suggestion to look would be swinging magazines or newspapers. With the Internet there has been a loss of interest in this type of media.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 4:10am
Only thought I can share comes from a friend whose marriage was broken up due to MFF experience. Sad to say it was his idea yet when it was over, he couldn't get the images out of his head, specially when it appeared to him that she enjoyed her more than him. She put up with his issues for 2 years before walking out. According to her, nothing she said or did made him change his perspective. Now that years have past, he says if he had to do it over again, he says he wouldn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 7:36am

We used to have a regular poster who was in a polyamory marriage and gave a lot of great advice over time about this. She had another couple for whom she was the 3rd, but it was a long time friendship and she was part of their relationship too, although always very careful to stress that she was the 3rd, not an equal between them.

Anyway, besides the obvious BC and condom usage, some of the things she always mentioned were talking, talking, talking, which you guys have already started doing. The first and foremost things she said was to make sure you realize that the 3rd is a human with emotions and feelings, not a body-for-hire. She's not a body that's just there to fulfull your fantasy. And mentioning that you would want intercourse too is good, so she knows what you and she are expecting. Talk more about that, to make sure she's *really* ok with it, no undoing it once it's over. Is the image of you - doing the things you do to her - but doing them to another woman, going to bother her later?

Make sure all *three* of you know that at any time you can call a halt to the proceedings and there will be no guilt trips or recriminations. It also might be a good idea not to bring the person into your home, into the bed the two of you share, but that's a personal call. Will you do it again, will this be a one time only deal, or will you decide that later? How will you deal with the other person if they try to contact you or keep things going after? And is there anything that is off-limits? If there's anything any of you are uncomfortable with, it needs to be clearly spelled out beforehand.

These are the things she used to ask, the ones I can remember anyway!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 9:01am

I think the most important question is, is it worth taking the risk with your relationship?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for elainetwirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 10:56am
My experience of threesomes is that they promise far more than they deliver. Elaine
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 12:27pm

I agree, they promise more than they deliver and as much as you think you know how you will feel during and after you really dont. A relationship that sounds as strong and fulfilling as yours is not something to be toyed with.

Good Luck whatever your choice.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 1:12pm

Whatever you decide Westie, I wish you the best of luck.

My question is why does this idea seem to spring up just when a couple claims that they're very satisfied and happy with their partner sexually? Time and time again, I read that "our relationship is strong and satisfying but....?" Well, I don't see how that can be the case at all if you're still looking for something or someone else to spice things up.

This type of sexual experiment is always a risk and I guess I'll never understand introducing an unknown element, like another partner, into a stable relationship for no good reason.




Edited 9/5/2005 1:15 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 5:54pm

Thanks for responding everyone.

I'll kinda lump my responses to everyone in this post rather than trying to respond to everyone individually.

Why would we risk doing this in a good relationship? That's a good question and I know that I'm still mulling that one over. I have had a threesome once before and Yes, while I agree that the reality does not deliver on the promise, I still enjoyed it at the time. As for my partner, well, I know that she has enjoyed being with another woman in the past, although it was not a threesome situation. I get the impression that she has enjoyed sex with another woman in the past and adding me to the mix would make it more enjoyable.

Are we afraid of the damage that it might cause? Yeah, I know that I am. I know that she's thinking about it too. But I think that we're leaning towards the idea that because we have a strong relationship and talk things through, that we could, potentially anyway, keep this a positive experience. I know that I'm thinking about this as a way to add another angle to OUR satisfying sex life and how it could make things more interesting for US, rather than thinking about "Wow! _I_ get to screw another woman". I think that I could handle seeing her enjoying herself more than with me because that's kinda what this is about - seeing her having fun in a situation that I can't provide normally. Of course, seeing her get emotionally involved outside the bedroom could be hard to take.

Can we handle the emotions that it would create? Are we aware that the third person has feelings and emotions too? Yeah. We're still dealing with this and working it through. That's probably the part that worries me the most. It's not like we're bringing a blow-up doll to bed. Exactly, what DOES the third person expect and want and what will they want down the track? That could the be trickiest thing of all to sort out and deal with.

As I've said before, this may not ever happen. We may never do it. And if we do, I still think that finding an attractive single bi-girl that meets our criteria will be next to impossible. But still, it's been raised and it's best to get it sorted out one way or another before we find ourselves in a situation where it's kinda happening and everyone is going with it but it hasn't been sorted beforehand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:20pm
Just an update. If you hadn't guessed already from what I'd been saying, we're not going ahead with this in the forseeable future. Primarily because I don't want to, but my partner agrees that after discussing it and kicking around some possible "worst case" scenarios she now has some reservations herself.