Can only reach climax when masturbating

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2005
Can only reach climax when masturbating
3
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 4:26pm

Ever since I was probably 8 or 9 I have been masturbating,( I'm 21 now). I have NO idea what made me want to do it, or even how I came up with the way to do it, but ever since then I have been doing it the same way and it seems to be the only way I can have an orgasm.
It has never really bothered me until now because I always felt like I could enjoy sex without having to climax, which is true. But I really think that if I could, I would like just really enjoy it a lot more than I am and I would want to do it more often. Having sex was a big problem in my relationship with my husband because I just never wanted it or thought it was important. Now after having my baby and realizing that it is important and we need to have that sexual bond, we've been doing it a lot more, and i've found myself wanting it more often, but still not being completeley satisfied. This makes my husband feel really bad, and it makes me feel completly horrible. I feel like something is wrong with me and that it is all my fault, especially since I'm the only woman he's been with whose says she has never had an orgasm.
My husband knows that I masturbate and the way I do it and he has even tried to do it for me, but it dosent feel the same. There is no penetration involved, all i do is massage the pubic bone right above the clitoris. Because I've been doing it like this for so long it almost seems like i've lost all other possible g-spots, like I've become numb! Even when he performs oral sex. Ihave read many times that women have to know what they like and that they should try exploring with their fingers to see what feels good, and I've tried that too. We've tried many different positions to see if any would hit it and every once in a while it feels like I might be coming up on an orgasm, but then I loose it and cant reach that point again. We've even tried different toys :O(
It just rips me up inside to know that lots of other women are really enjoying sex with their husbands, and while I'm enjoying it too, I dont get to experience it the way I really should be able too.

Has anyone ever experienced this before or have any advice on this??? Thank you so much for your time!!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 5:40pm

I think what you've described is much more common, with both women AND men, than you realize. Many of us have problems learning to orgasm with a partner in the beginning. That's NOT unusual, if you think about it, and there are emotional aspects to the problem besides the physical.

IF you train yourself to respond to one very specific stimulation, of course you're going to have to expand on that with a partner, if you want to respond to different stimulation. No partner can perfectly simulate or replicate what you do for yourself so it's about expanding on what you've already learned about your body.

I would suggest not masturbating for awhile. Save partner sex as your only source of sexual stimulation and see if you begin responding more easily with time. Your hormones should help! Be patient though. It took time and experimentation to learn to respond your way and it will take time to learn something new. But you've got all the time in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 11:32pm

As Katmandoo says, you've got yourself trained over the years to only respond to what you're used to. Also, when you say "sex" if you mean "intercourse"....are you aware that 80% of women do NOT have orgasms from intercourse alone? That's because there's very little feeling inside the vagina, with the exception of the "g" spot. For most women, to have orgasms during intercourse they need clitoral stimulation at the same time. You can do it yourself, he can do it, or your position can do it. Woman on top is great for that, plus you might get some "g" spot action at the same time. Doggie style is also good for "g" spot stimulation.

Part of your problem is also that you're making orgasms a goal. That's one way to make sure it's not going to happen! Orgasms are spasms of involuntary muscles. Involuntary, meaning you can't MAKE it happen....it happens because you're relaxed enough to ALLOW it to happen. The more you think about it, the less relaxed you are. The more you think about it, the less you're concentrating on the pleasure you're having. If you will forget orgasms and concentrate on pleasure and good feelings....the orgasms will happen, either from intercourse, or from oral, or even manual. But you have to allow it to happen...and it won't happen if you're worrying about what's NOT happening.

Orgasms don't make sex good......good sex makes orgasms happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 4:12am

hey, i think you sound very similar to me sexually. i also learned to masturbate really young by massaging above my clitoris. the usual favorites like oral sex do absolutely nothing for me... but i've learned to incorporate this into partner sex in a number of ways...

one, have my partner stimulate me in some other way while i masturbate myself (him sucking on my breasts for example). it really intensifies the climax to have my partner participating, even if he doesn't completely *cause* the orgasm himself.

two, teach my partner give me an orgasm by masturbating me. it takes some practice to train him, and to train myself - by moving my hips just right to get the stimulation i need from his hands.

three, during intercourse, i reach down and touch myself while he is thrusting. it works best for me in the missionary position. again, the sensation of him thrusting intensifies the orgasm, even if it doesn't cause it.

another thing you should practice on your own: getting yourself off by grinding against something underneath you, like a bunched up blanket or a pillow. (no hands allowed!) try doing this when you're lying on your stomach, legs straight, arms propped up on your elbows. if you can get the hang of it, you should be able to do the exact same thing on top of him, only grinding against his pubic bone instead of a pillow.